Feedback for REND rewrite blurb/summary
Added 2025-04-28 02:31:29 +0000 UTCI'll resume writing REND in a couple of days. But before that, I'm also preparing the blurb/summary of REND for the rewrite. Blurb is very important because it (along with the title and cover) attracts new readers. I'll really appreciate it if you give feedback/suggestions to the blurb I've come up with below:
"When the wrong person gets superpowers...
Erind Hartwell knows she’s not normal. She’s a first-year law student, a film enthusiast… and a psychopath. One of those three isn’t like the others. But she's still relatively normal in a world where superhumans battle eldritch horrors that turn people into monsters.
Erind doesn’t bother others (and by 'bother,' she means anything from a minor annoyance to destroying reputations) unless they bother her first. This is one of the self-imposed Rules governing her actions, some of which are quite arbitrary, like her rule to eat ice cream only if it’s melted. Unfortunately, her efforts to avoid being bothersome mean she rarely gets to be the highlight of the movie, which is her life.
Her wish to become the main character was granted when a voice in her head offered her powers—it was one of those otherworldly entities. Becoming a monster doesn’t sound like how a main character should be, but Erind didn’t have much of a choice because she got impaled by a spike and was slowly dying.
Not even a minute later, Erind makes her first kill. That was in self-defense, mind you. The cop shot her first. Finding a potential new hobby, Erind must figure out how to provoke others into bothering her so she can return the favor, with the definition of 'bother' expanding dramatically. As superhumans, monsters, and other factions battle for Earth, follow our endearing psychopath in her own shenanigans, affecting the greater conflict without meaning to.
Comments
Here my take on the blurb: Mostly what I did was remove the exposition. I don't think we need explanations on the blurb, just facts to keep us interested. No need to say what her rules are, only they are arbitrary stuff like that. Also no need to put in the blurb she's out and expanding the definitions. That is best learned in the story after we also learn what her rules are. "When the wrong person gets superpowers... Erind Hartwell knows she’s not normal. She’s a first-year law student, a film enthusiast… and a psychopath. One of those three isn’t like the others. But she's still relatively normal in a world where superhumans battle eldritch horrors that turn people into monsters. Erind doesn’t bother others unless they bother her first. This is one of the self-imposed Rules, some of which are quite arbitrary. Unfortunately, her efforts to avoid being bothersome mean she rarely gets to be the highlight of the movie, which is her life. Her wish to become the main character was granted when a voice in her head offered her powers. Becoming a monster doesn’t sound like how a main character should be, but Erind didn’t have much of a choice when the alternative was dying. As superhumans, monsters, and other factions battle for Earth, follow our endearing psychopath in her own shenanigans, affecting the greater conflict without meaning to.
Berj
2025-04-29 08:34:09 +0000 UTCagreed on every point
Karp Paul
2025-04-28 07:20:58 +0000 UTCI took the liberty of editing/rewriting this extensively. Here is the text with my reasoning: "When the wrong person gets superpowers... There is an idea of an Erind Hartwell... A first-year law student, a good friend and her mother's daughter, a psychopath, and a self-proclaimed film enthusiast. Erind has the Rule. She doesn't bother others unless they bother her first, and eats ice cream only if it's melted. Erind is not normal. But what is normal in a world where superhumans battle eldritch horrors that rend through reality and turn people into monsters? Erind loves drama, and her wish to become the main character is granted: on the brink of death, an otherworldly entity offers her powers. Becoming a monster was never Erind's career prospect, but there is not much of a choice when you are slowly dying, impaled by a spike. Now, Erind has to kill to protect herself. And those who bother her... well, let's just say she can now bother back with teeth! And for some reason, many now want to bother her. Or do they want to become her food? Follow an endearing psychopath and her shenanigans trying to retain herself in the middle of a battle between superhumans, hi-tech government agents, monsters, mutants and wannabe heroes for Earth and the future of humanity. > I've made it shorter, going straight to the point - MC is a psychopath. And I moved the psychopath to the second to last point in the list for some comedy effect - this is the vibe I get from REND in general, a little bit of millennial writing. > I included the reference to American Psycho and changed a setting-describing sentence to a question to provoke readers to think and to establish one of the central questions of the text (the way I see it) - "Is it ok to be a monster?" > I added the word "rend". It should be somewhere in the text. > I removed the explanation of what "to bother" means - no need for it. BTW, there is an issue with the Rules: if they are to keep Erind out of sites, then the ice cream rule makes no sense - it only makes her stand out. Some other rules, too. > I moved the rules up because they broke the flow of the text. > I removed the cop part entirely - too much of a spoiler. > I rewrote the ending to be more concise and added some hints to the gruesome nature of some parts of the text.
Karp Paul
2025-04-28 07:20:07 +0000 UTCI'll really appreciate it if you give feedback/suggestions to the blurb I've come up with below: -> I feel like the first two paragraphs and the logline are pretty good. I feel like the third paragraph and the fourth one can be merged / shortened? Like the following lines: Becoming a monster doesn’t sound like how a main character should be, but Erind didn’t have much of a choice because she got impaled by a spike and was slowly dying. Not even a minute later, Erind makes her first kill. That was in self-defense, mind you. The cop shot her first. -> I'm not sure it's necessary to include the whole intro plot here. It could be made more efficient by changing the first line of the third paragraph to "On the verge of death, her wish to become the main character was granted by one of those eldritch horrors, which offered her powers at the price of becoming a monster." Now those other lines aren't needed. I'd recommend using this guide: https://disambiguation.medium.com/the-council-of-the-eternal-hiatuss-guide-to-royalroad-blurbs-for-beginners-72cfdb6e48e4 and see some of their examples too: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_OWB8dRZW2E6oeXiRrinMUfTFE8ItE-bx3qWudabGR4/edit?tab=t.0#heading=h.bilskkav7orm Based on the guide you have a good character and setting hook, but the plot hook seems too long. Although I'll say it's better than the old version's blurb since the old one made Erind seem like a very reactive protagonist, rather than a proactive one. This one clearly sets up what Erind is intending to do.
OmniHumanist
2025-04-28 04:31:52 +0000 UTC
