Chase's Diary, Entry #31: Goldie's Guide 2

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Greetings once more, dear devotees of storybook delights!

It is I, Big Gold, returning yet again to you, as I have some more thoughts about classic fairy tales and how best to present them to you in a thoughtful and informed manner!

When I mentioned my last entry to my family, they were very impressed with my nuanced explanations of classic tales of adventure. It gave me yet another brilliant idea: why not gather some of my loved ones’ favorite tales as well, and add them to my own expert treatise on the subject?

Here now are some classic stories that best appeal to my family and friends, in their own words! Thanks again to Master Deacon for transcribing.

Rapunzel

Rating: Silver Approved!

This classic tale of tower living is a cautionary story, warning against the dangers of having no stairs or safe fire exits from your home. With only a window as her escape should any home disaster strike, our heroine Rapunzel is at a great disadvantage! Luckily, she is soon rescued by a young gentleman whom we can only assume marries her and takes her to live in a house with more that one exit per floor. Safety first, Rapunzel!

Silver says, “I like this story because in the original tale, a woman craves a kind of wild lettuce called Rampion and steals it from a witch’s garden. The witch then takes the lady’s baby in return for the stolen lettuce. The baby is then named Rampion, after the plant in question.

I like this story because rampion is very pretty. It has star-shaped purple flowers when it is in bloom, and a turnip-like root that humans can eat.”

A fine bit of fictional gardening indeed! Thank you, sister!

Next, we have Bronze’s favorite story!

Hansel and Gretel

This terrifying bit of folklore concerns an old woman who wakes one day to find her home being devoured by peasant children...a regrettable thing, as she is not insured against such damage! From this we can learn that we must always carry the proper insurance for all child calamities, and never forget to be vigilant. A cautionary tale, to be sure!

Bronze says, “I can relate to the witch in this story. Humans like to eat chickens, and I worry they may try to devour my house too. Which would be terrible, as I am good friends with

my house.

But I wouldn’t mind a house made of peanut brittle. That would be fun to eat.”

Well said, Bronze!

After much quizzing, Miss Prunella was able to choose her own favorite tale!

Red Riding Hood

This deceptively simple story seems to relate a rather straightforward and short narrative, wherein a little girl walks to her grandmother’s house. It becomes a tad more complicated when the girl meets the wolf who-

...IT IS HERE I MUST WARN YOU THAT IF YOU HAVE NOT YET READ THIS TALE FOR YOURSELF, THEN CONTINUING ON IN YOUR PERUSAL OF THIS PAGE MAY RESULT IN YOU HAVING THE CLIMAX OF SAID STORY “SPOILED” FOR YOU, AND THUS I AM BY LAW OBLIGATED TO GIVE YOU FAIR WARNING BEFORE YOU PROCEED. THANK YOU!

-was not actually as good friends with Red Riding Hood as he previously pretended to be. Scoundrel!

Miss Prunella says, “You don’t just talk to every weirdo on the street that bothers you. Red was pretty dumb about this. I would’ve called the cops, or thrown the basket of goodies as a distraction and then run in the opposite direction.”

Wise advice, Miss Prunella!

Finally, I asked Master Chase to weigh in with his own favorite story. I originally asked Master Deacon as well, but Master Chase said not to, as the answer would probably be “some kind of nerdy smoochy book.”

(note: it WASN’T. God. -D)

The Ugly Duckling

This heartwarming story of mistaken identity involves a duckling who, unbeknownst to his family, is actually a swan. Which would imply there is a swan family somewhere missing their child, thought this is never confirmed for the reader.

Master Chase says, “even the scrawniest little duckling who may be perfectly average height for his age, give or take a few inches, can someday become a beautiful swan and go on to sell out concerts globally.”

An important lesson, to be sure! Thank you, Master Chase!

Ah, and my sister wishes to add her own thought to the last story.

“Swans are pure evil and no one should pity them.”

Well said!

This is all I have for you today, fair reader, but fret not! I shall return again someday with more exciting tales of classic adventures! Until then, I remain your humble narrator,

Big Gold!