PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Why You Shouldn't Buy Her A Diamond Ring

The diamond engagement ring was an invention of greedy moralless people (a British businessman and an American advertising company) and it's less than a 100-year-old phenomenon. When I lived in America, diamond rings were ubiquitous so the scam worked. As a counterpoint, while I'm sure they exist, I don't remember seeing anyone in Colombia with a diamond ring. I think they are largely for people with too much money/credit and too little sense. https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/

Jeff Winchell

Diamond rings are such a scam. Diamonds have little actual worth, & are so boring. Why be like everyone else AND waste your money? And it’s not fair that women get an engagement gift but men don’t - or at least not in our current civilisational state. I always said I’d just want a custom garnet ring (I am really into crystals & gems, but mostly semi-precious ones), but nothing fancy or expensive. My late husband’s mother died 2yrs before we met, & she’d given her ring to him for his wife. It wasn’t my style (multiple diamonds & yellow gold, claw setting), but I loved the sentiment, especially as the main diamond had been his grandmother’s. So I had that stone put in a custom setting that costed a few hundred dollars. I wanted to get my husband something too so I got him a silver replica of the necklace Arwen gives Aragorn in LOTR (he was a huge fan & got me into LOTR). I think a nice watch would work well for men as an engagement token if there isn’t a more personal option. Something unique & meaningful >>> overpriced diamond ring Weddings shouldn’t be extravagant either. Spend that money on your future life together not one event that’s mostly just an excuse to show off.

RhodiumMaiden

Except that diamonds aren’t actually very valuable. Their worth is artificially inflated. An heirloom precious metal ring with a unique stone would be much better.

RhodiumMaiden

When I proposed to my ex-wife, I worked with a jeweler who we both knew. She really liked his designs, and I worked with him to design a custom ring using our birthstones (not diamond). It was unique, special for us, and surprisingly cost significantly less to create this... than buying a traditional diamond ring. I think that was a pretty good middle ground between what Alexander suggests and going fully traditional with the diamond ring... but the important thing was that it worked for us as a couple.

Ozi Darklighter

The expensive ring is for the man, not the woman. The woman might think it's for her, but really it's a show of strength/power by the man to claim a high perch within the greater social hierarchy. It's the same reason one buys an Aston Martin instead of a Nissan. When you pull up to a business dinner or social function in an Aston Martin and with a wife sporting a 4 carat diamond, you get immediate social clout and respect as a man (ceteris paribus). Doors open for you.

Trey Tepichin

I am going to pick out a ring with my boyfriend, I don't think there is anything wrong, he gave me a budget. Think it's a red flag when someone starts pressuring their partner to go over that budget as it is pushing a boundary and also saying that what they are offering isn't good enough. Otherwise, if a couple stays within their agreed budget then I don't see the problem, I am a minimalist and I am very controlling over everything I wear and a ring that is going to be on my finger for the rest of my life is a big decision to me.

Alisha

There is a good question that a man should ask a woman about marriage. That is, what do you like more, the idea your wedding or being married and living a married life. The answer is obvious that if she likes the idea of being married and not living a married life than you should not get married

Anthony S

As with any 'cultural expectation', don't do it unless the act aligns with your personal beliefs and values. Actions taken to please or appease don't serve you in the long run.

Margaret

Thanks Jennifer!

Blair

Jennifer, thanks for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it. I'm curious, what moves you about the fact that your now husband asked your father's permission to marry you? And how old were you both at the time? If you had been older (say 30s), would you have felt the same? I get the impression most women nowadays see that as part of "patriarchy", and wouldn't like it.

beret-doppelganger

Blair, I meant it’s a red flag that she sees the ring more as a status symbol/image thing like discussed in the video and less as the traditional/forever/investment type symbols I mentioned. I didn’t necessarily mean it as a red flag like one shouldn’t marry her. Probably shouldn’t have used that terminology knowing the context it is usually used. Sorry about that. And I am more on the traditional side myself so I can’t relate to the practice. After 19 years married, these are the things seared in my brain and still make me emotional when I think about the wedding process: 1) the fact that he asked my dads permission 2) the fact that he picked out the ring himself (and the proposal itself) 3) the look on his face when I walked down the aisle, and 4) being in his arms for our first dance as a married couple. The rest has kind of faded into the background of memory. It’s why I question some of the more superficial/commercial decisions when it comes to proposals and weddings. All that said, people are different and a couple having shared values is what’s most important.

Jennifer Barry, thank you! For this issue I’d love to hear the perspectives of more women who are generally fans of Alex’s points of view. Jennifer, why is it a huge red flag if the girl wants to pick out her own? Many men are going through the motions with the diamond engagement ring, and all they care about is that they don’t spend too much money and that their girl likes it. If she picks it out, we know she’ll like it. Help me out on this.

Blair

I know there are some women who think of a diamond engagement ring as you suggest in your video (if they want to pick out their own- that’s a huge red flag). But I also think you are missing some things women see it a symbol of: 1. tradition - it is a cultural norm and there is something... comforting and exciting at the same time to know that moment you have when he proposes and you see the ring for the first time was felt by your mother and grandmother and great grandmother and so on... 2. It’s a forever stone. As much you don’t want to believe it, you’ll forget the details of grand gestures when you are old. Practical items will break down and fall to disuse - a diamond -or other stone - is symbol that your love is forever and will last your whole life and it something you can pass down from generation to generation. Or - for those who don’t have that ability can take it to the grave and to them it’s that symbol of eternity together. 3. They are expensive and the fact that a man would plan and save and buy it - that he is showing you are worth that kind of investment - it hits those “I’m going to be safe and protected and loved” kind of feels. There are other things but this is getting long. I would say this though - if you don’t plan on getting a ring - make it known well ahead of time - and frequently - how you feel about the practice in general so she doesn’t have any expectations for it.