8 Sexless years, now considering an affair

I’m sorry you went though that. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I agree that it’s probably not something a lot of women in theirs 20s face. Still, to know this can happen has broadened my perspective.

Blair

In my experience, classic methods don't work well with this. Red Pill got this area right, people get bored sexually in long term relationships and women more so. Slightest suspicion you might have other "options", turnaround will be 3 times more dramatic and real than any talk or counceling. Maybe its the self confidence you gain, or testosterone boost, from having "options", or she simply realizes you are not 100% guaranteed, it does the job better.

I feel that there is a lot of information missing in the initial post. Such as: How did they get into this situation? Did the guy talk about it with his wife? What was the response? Why is his wife low on libido? Did she try to solve it? Is it even a treatable thing? What would be the legal obligations/circumstances of a divorce? Why now, after all these years? My opinion on this would be to try to solve the problem with the wife first, considering any other options later. Not because of having moral high ground, that's wrong motivation. It assumes that the relationship goes wrong and then, if someone asks you, you could always say that you tried to solve it and you did everything you could. It would be technically correct per se, but the motivation still makes it wrong in my eyes. The right motivation is talk with your wife because that's the right thing to do, because you love her, and because you want to solve it with her. By extension, if this motivation doesn't hold, if you don't want to solve it with her or love her, it makes no sense trying. Then it leads to divorce. It is my opinion that being in a wrong relationship is worse than being in no relationship at all. What part is really important here would be for me whether the wife acknowledges this as a critical problem for the relationship. If yes, there is still hope. Be it treating of her libido or "consented affairs". If not, then I don't really see many options here.

Far be it for me to judge you for your decisions Donald Pump, but, as I'm sure you're aware, the amorality of affairs centres around the breaking of trust between the two partners - trust being the backbone of all good relationships. My fear for you is, regardless of all your forward planning and risk management, the chances of getting caught out these days having an affair is extremely high. It only takes one small oversight for your spouse to transform into the greatest detective the world has ever seen. So my question is, WHEN you do get caught, and control of whether or not your family stays together is taken away from you, do you have some sort of emergency plan?

Communicate With Confidence

I dont expect empathy or thumbs up, but I am (still) happily married and had some affairs. It was exactly because i didnt feel desired at home, with lack of sex. For the duration of the affairs, even my relationship and sex life at home improved. Sorry to say, but my opinion here is i will never break the marriage for the sake of kids. Ethics aside, affairs have difficult logistics and risk management but are better bet for you mathematically than break up before-hand. Maybe you manage to save the family and still fulfil your needs, maybe you will find out the world out there is full of low quality women, which you really dont want to have anything more with, than sex.

Awesome post.This happened to me. I was in my early 20s, and my now ex husband was ~10 years older than me and psychologically abused (you're right Alex, it is *abuse*) me by withholding sex from me to maintain control in the relationship. This experience was awful, but it has forever changed me and allowed me to have greater empathy for men than I would otherwise. I don't think it is something a lot of women in their 20s experience, so women in this age group are likely more incensed when they hear about husbands cheating on their wives. It must be hard for men to talk about and thus - r/deadbedrooms.

True... but being a man means taking personal responsibility for tough choices and dealing with them instead of being in constant emotional imbalance and not doing anything to fix it. So the TL;DR is sack up and do something about it.

Polygon Masterworks

Cowards. Good for you man

Alexander Grace

"Withholding sex is abuse." I was in a sexless marriage for the last 3 years. During that time my wife and we saw 4 marriage counselors and not one of them could come close to saying that. Five months ago I initiated divorce proceedings.

DC

You could be right. Maybe 8 years ago she contracted a contagious STD. She’s deathly afraid to share it with her husband. Then he’ll find out she had an affair.

This guy is a simp... simple as that. His wife is definitely getting dicked down by someone else!

Great content. I agree with the Bald Man that men are in a really in bad situation here with family laws being do much in favor if women.

David Koerner

I agree that a sexless marriage is abuse. I don’t think he should have an affair. I think he should divorce her. It’s OK that he loves her—he can love her from afar...while he’s starting over in a relationship that involves sex.

Sure, stand up for your needs and any man will be trapped monthly for child support and alimony, let alone the huge risk of not seeing your child anymore. I'm afraid you overlooked that issue. It's not always so easy to leave when kids are involved.