PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Women Who Don't Want Children

I never wanted kids, probably because I was the oldest of 6, 10 years older than my youngest sibling. Three girls, three boys. We were blue collar, lower middle class in the US, as were most of my many friends. As I grew older and wanted to do reasonable things, I always heard two words: "the kids." Because of the younger kids and their needs, there was much I could not experience and enjoy. As I became a young adult and many of my friends became exhausted parents, I dropped many friends. I had two girlfriends who said they didn't understand or want kids left me for taller, higher earning guys and had kids. Fine, and fuck you. Yes, I like kids. For about 5 minutes. Nothing honorable about bringing children into a world suffering from far too many humans. That's selfish.

Roger Hayden

I feel you David. Maybe you can create something like a non judgmental environment like how you would ask a woman’s past, be cool about it and see how it goes? And through observation and asking/testing, make sure she is a high quality woman as well.

I think it’s interesting you brought up personality type. Me, who never wanted kids... I am INTJ... I’m sure there are INTJs who have kids - but if there is any correlation there it would be fascinating to know.

Good job tackling a tough subject! There is a dark side to this though that men need to be aware of. Women won't tell you the truth. If you prefer not to have kids, and a woman sees you as a great catch, she will tell you what you want to hear, then one of two things will most likely happen. Either she will have an "accident" and get pregnant, or she will simply change her mind once you are completely vested in her or worse yet, married. Then what do you do? Millions of men are confronted with this. Simply talking this through and coming to some agreement means nothing to a woman. Here is a simple test. Once you have both agreed that children will not be part of your relationship, tell her how relieved you are to know this, because you have had a vasectomy. Her reaction to that news will tell you everything you need to know. I had a vasectomy when I was 30. I waited that long to make sure that I was sure. I was way to naive to understand how that would play out. Essentially I never found a quality woman willing to continue with me once she found out, even when we had discussed this and agreed that having children was not in our future. As soon as she found out that she could not renege on what she agreed to, the relationship was over. If you are a man who wants kids you are in luck! 99.99999% of women will want them too, regardless of what they say. For women, the biological drive is so strong, that I don't think any decision making is even possible.

Great video, thanks for uploading. Could not agree more on the importance of communicating this topic early in the relationship. I have a family friend who always wanted kids but never did because he and his wife (who didn’t really want kids) was infertile. Turns out she was secretly using birth control and managed to convince him that the doctor confirmed she was infertile. She is not. This poor guy is old enough to have had grandkids but doesn’t know his wife has deceived him for decades. As you can imagine, she’s really high quality lol. Talking of the biological wiring for procreation: The very physiology and biology of the act of sex means we are wired to have kids whether we want kids or not. It’s a catch 22. You want to have sex and you don’t want to pull out, in fact your climax makes you push deeper. Sure you can look at this from a sort of vestigial caveman brain mechanism and that in this modern age we can make a conscious choice but it still doesn’t answer the clear biology. It’s the same with how a woman lays on her back and spreads her legs, she is submitting herself to you physically, mentally, emotionally; she couldn’t get more vulnerable than this and she wouldn’t do this without utmost trust in you. That very action being the receptacle is submissive and is parallel to female evolutionary psychology. Just like with sex and having kids, we cannot separate that fact. I think the fact that we have contraception in abundance is in some way affecting the logic in whether people can separate sex from procreation. Would people still have the same opinion if their were NO contraception? The entire dating/ relationship dynamic would change. Big topic, worth exploring. Selfishness: is having kids selfish or is not having kids selfish? How much of ones desire to have kids so that there is someone there to look after them when they’re old is motivating their desire? How many people just sort of fall into the “default meaningful purpose” of having kids and rationalise this as biological urges? This is a serious question: having kids means growth, contribution, love and significance: that’s 4 out of the 6 human needs according to Anthony Robbins. I think a lot of people’s sudden urge to have kids is amidst the exploration of existentialism and finding fulfilment in life, the sudden idea of having kids wells up certainty in purpose (certainty, the number 1 need according to Robbins). Are they having kids for “the right reasons”? Is my desire to not have kids selfless? Conclusion from my perspective: I’ve always wanted kids, naively thinking I would find the right woman and be happily married with 3-4 kids by the time I was in my late 20’s. As I got older and learned more about the world and how opposed I am to it as a Christian, the less I want kids. I would either end up over sheltering them only to send them out with a “so uh yea, good luck” knowing how hard it has been for me or I make the bet that exposing and raising them within the world would work out ok. I think my life would be shortened to see my kids suffer like I did. I’m still on the fence though because despite my cynical forecast I do believe from my own personal philosophy of the world/ meaning of life that I should have kids despite the risk, even if all of them were to stray away from how I raised them. My position on the fence teeters on the last question of “am I willing to brace for that impact”. I am unsure. I feel obligated to protect them yet at the same time don’t think I can. Should I still have kids in light of that realisation? I’m still thinking. I believe that we are wired to have kids but this modern context with how the way of the world is as well as individual personality and desired life style overlay that desire for kids and create some conflict. There are some women (almost always extraverted - think of ESFJ personality types as far as MBTI goes) that want kids and have basically wanted to get pregnant as soon as feasibly responsible.

Craig

I know someone that dated his high school sweetheart steadily for 9 yrs, and they broke up right before their wedding because she wanted kids and he didn't, so I think you are giving people solid advice.

Great explanation. For me I've known my whole adult life that I don't want kids. In my 20s I didn't really know why, so I gave alot of excuses. Now I know that I'm not fit for the stress involved, and Alex is right - things did go very wrong early in my life and on top of that I never had a father - not even a step-dad, which I wanted badly. I'm generally not well either. I will assume the same about the future girl of my dreams who don't want kids.

Alexander is correct, my ex-girlfriend did not want children because her mother died at her childbirth. She thought the same thing would happen to her. She married someone else and cared for 3 dogs instead of having children with her husband.

I met a few women who always says they didn't want children, until they found a relationship in which they were fulfilled.

Bro, seems like a perfectly reasonable perspective to me! Thanks.

Blair

I agree with this one but from my perspective, the social and biological motivations can co exist and build off each other

Alexander Grace

I have to disagree with this one. When women see babies, they faun and melt. They are experiencing their biological desire to reproduce. I have felt the desire for sex and the desire to have children. I dont think these desires are mutually exclusive

Alexander Grace

2) As social animals we are wired to be influenced by our social groups. If we live in a society where everyone is having babies by 30 years old we feel a very real pressure to fit in. This is the same phenomena that happens to teenagers who become obsessed with getting a certain brand name shoes (for example). There is no biological drive to get the shoes but to fit in. It’s about belonging in our groups because it was dependent for survival.

Love all your content and I have agreed 100% with you up until now. I feel you are still working out this whole concept in your head. Here are a couple of points I feel are important to consider: 1) We don’t have a biological desire to reproduce, only to have sex just as we don’t have a biological desire to get nutrients from only to eat because eating is pleasurable.

Yeah I think a lot of men go through this

Alexander Grace

You and your husband have awesome self awareness and it seems to have served you well :)

Alexander Grace

I’m 43 and never wanted children. And if it helps at all, I didn’t take offense to anything you said. I fall in to the bucket of “I don’t like kids at all.” I never want to hold babies or be near children at all. Didn’t want to play with baby dolls as a kid. Never felt a “biological clock”. Put me anywhere near a dog and I turn into a cooing, mass of mama goo.... but with kids..: not even close. I’ve always wondered if it was something environmental or whether it was some brain chemistry screw up that happened in the womb. One of many reasons I partnered with my husband was because he also did not want kids. We married at 22/23. Talked seriously about the kids thing again when we were 30 - did some real soul searching and we were both still big on the nope. That said, my mindset is rare so I tend not to talk to young women about it. I don’t want to encourage them thinking the no kids lifestyle is great because I do think it’s important most of them be prepared for when that maternal desire kicks in hard (as it will for many, if not most, of them).

Its a great video! Keep up the great work. Before I was nervous about having children and with time i realized that it was a dumb idea to think of not having any. Now ive grown to a point where i would like a big family of them! But thats if im succesfull u enough to take care of many.