PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Young Guy Was In A Toxic Relationship But Now Worries He Is Too Judgmental In Dating

I think that the advice you've given him, Alex, is wonderful. I remember when I was 20 years old and I had a somewhat similar thought process to him when it came to women. I was badly burned by a woman who was just using me as an emotional tampon, and once she was done, she ghosted me, got married, and then called me to tell me about it. Talk about being a completely evil and Satanic bitch! I've honestly had to really learn to forgive this witch, and if I ever see her again in person, I don't know what I would say. I have no respect whatsoever to such individuals, especially when they are victims but then they victimize others. My sympathy for them just evaporates and disappears, but we must not get lost in the emotional turmoil of that situation. I wish I'd gone to therapy when that happened instead of trying to "tough it out". I think that this young guy is going to learn that there is plenty of fish in the sea, and that he shouldn't be basing a long term decision on a short term failure. I can understand the reasoning behind it because he can think this will make him safe, but it won't. It'll make him even more resentful and hate everyone around him, never ever trusting anyone even when it's unfounded. I think that it's important to get more experience in this area before he jumps to conclusions. I don't think that he needs to either stretch himself too thin or suspend his logic and not learn from his lessons. This experience with others will give him timeless wisdom, and I think that since he is smart, he should be able to gather relevant information and base his decision on that rather than on emotion or ideology. I wish him the best of luck.

Anosh Orahim

I’m genuinely curious. Have you thought through how you would handle it if your boyfriend/husband regularly posted provocative pictures of himself on Instagram? Not just a guy playing football without a shirt on the beach - but intentionally sexual poses and facial expressions intended to garner likes - that also drew a bunch of women to comment (and potentially message) him privately. Would you question to what end? For what purpose? And consider the short-term versus long-term ramifications? Or if a good friend came to you and said her boyfriend was doing such a thing and getting messages from a bunch of women - would your advice be similar to what you posted here?

Alexander. I sent you a message about a situation in private messages. Would appreciate if you’d check it out!

I do this myself. To a degree one issue I've found is that it causes me to hone in on negative behaviours. It makes you an expert at fault finding but you can miss the good things. It's a delicate balance to be made. Good on you for challenging the initial read and coming back later to reassess.

I am so sorry for your situation with your mum and the fact that you are worried about ending up with someone who fights badly. I personally don't think the changing the track thing is anything to be worried about as I would do that and it isn't passive aggressive or anything like that, I wouldn't be offended if someone changed my tracks either, everyone has songs they don't like. I think if she reacted badly to you changing her tracks then that is a bad sign. That is strange you go for people who you can't get to into to avoid heartbreak? Why do you really think you do that? I think when looking for someone who fights fair you need to ask yourself when you are in a conflict is there aim to resolve the conflict or is it to have some sort of control and superiority over you, if they do the latter you can bring this fact to light and straight up tell them that they are not being fair and the main aim should be to resolve the conflict. We women are unfortunately emotional creatures and I would be lying if I told you I was the perfect person for resolving conflicts with my partner although I am getting better. Most conflicts in women (in my personal experience) is applying hidden motives to my partner even if that doesn't make much sense due to his character. The other creation of conflicts involves my own insecurities and my crazy imagination, eg my partner not doing housework therefore he is lazy and sexist and expects women to do everything. Jumping to conclusions is a problem for me anyway. Haven't done it in a few years though! My partner is very good at dealing with me though, good at grounding me and bringing me back to reality, he is rarely angry in a conflict. Good luck xxx

Alisha

Both my husband and I do this thing with coworkers where when we meet a new one we take initial data from the first meeting and talk about what kind of person we think they are. Then down the road we talk more and determine if we still think our initial perceptions are valid. It’s an intellectual game of sorts that’s helped hone our ability to quickly understand people’s characteristics and how to deal with them. We’ve done this so much professionally speaking it’s definitely blended into meeting new friends as well and we have a pretty good track record of gauging people correctly pretty early on. Do men ever do something similar with the girlfriends of their friends? Like meet a girl and based off that initial meeting make snap judgements of her personality, watch how they interact with one another, and listen to what the friend says about her and the relationship itself over time? I’m not suggesting using initial snap judgements to pigeon hole a person, but rather to test your own initial analysis skills , validate where you are right, refine where you erred, and acknowledge when you need to hold off on assessment and dig deeper - on a direct, conscious level - without the biases that come with being the one in the relationship yourself. Building that skill may help your confidence while dating.

I was in a situation where I was on holiday with my brother and his gf and a female friend of hers. She was modestly attractive and had her shit together financially which got me interested. My own mother is bad with money and I prefer a responsible adult. I had the feeling that she was on the road to becoming quite emotionally mature. This got me quite interested. Anyway I grew up with a step mother who was very controlling and quite neurotic in some ways. I definitely do not want to end up with a woman like this. So I test women to see who they are. There was music playing in the car whilst we were all driving somewhere. I was the driver and the girl was in the front seat. I knew the next song was going to be a metal song and I wanted to see how she would react. She instinctually turned it off, pure instant reaction with no thought. I can interpreted this as her being bad at handling conflict but I let it slip by. Later that day we'd been out to the beach and had swam. Her and I sat on a log looking at the waves and we got to talking. I asked her if she was good at dealing with conflict, she said she was. I then mentioned to her about the metal song and her instinctual reaction to turn it off, saying it made me think she is bad at conflict. I'm terrified of ending up with someone who fights badly, I want to be able to resolve differences and conflict in a way that leads towards peace. However most humans are bad at conflict, it's a skill that takes time to develop. I think I was too harsh in making this judgement call because almost everyone is going to be bad at handling conflict. This girl washes her dishes immediately and even if she has guests over makes sure everything is clean right after dinner, instead of waiting for the evening to end and then dealing with the dishes. A part of me feels like I'm too picky and thus I never end up in a relationship, or I pick relationships that I know have no future. ie someone a bit fat and therefore I'll never get too into them. I haven't dated anyone beyond 3 months yet I'm 32 now. When I was younger I was simply looking for experience and was more open to trying things out. Now I'm more interested in settling down but I think potentially my shit tests are not fair. I may be overcorrecting now and finding reasons not to date someone that aren't based in reality.

Great response Alexander. I think this guy needs to enjoy his freedom for a bit and good on him for realising that this relationship wasn't serving him, it takes a lot of mental strength to call the shots in those situations are narcissists are good at breaking people down slowly. I worry for this guy that his reasons for him not liking the girl who had an Instagram and wore revealing clothes are rooted in insecurity and past trauma. I wonder if his ex was like that? If he is reading this then I am going to be honest and tell him that I don't think he should be worried about Instagram and revealing clothes if she is great and has no red flags in other ways. I am not into revealing clothes and although I do have Instagram it is private and has only close friends and family. However, there was a point that I was "modest" and I thought I was better than others girls. It was really immature and all rooted in insecurity. The truth is, I have a few friends who wear revealing clothes and have open Instagram and they are amazing people and have healthy relationships. I used modesty as a crutch because I was insecure and insulting other women in my mind and sometimes to other people in private gave me a feeling of control over my insecurities, I am still modest but I am happy for all the other women and the way they chose to express themselves. Of course he is allowed to have preferences though, if it is definitely a deal breaker then I ain't shaming, I am just offering a challenge to his thoughts on relationships. But yeah, Alexander said you are young and he is so right. Make female friendships first and this will help you in so many ways. Do it organically though, if you are desperate for a relationship (which I would argue you shouldn't be) then maybe college or uni would be a good option to surround yourself with women and you can get to know them organically without the dating expectation, if you like someone ask to go for coffee in between classes and don't frame it as a date, the best thing is that she won't feel too pressured in this scenario as she isn't going out with the intention to impress you so you will be able to figure out who she really is. You should not find this process daunting (I am sorry if it is) but imagine when you are doing it that there is a possibility that whoever you mean could be the one you settle down with for the rest of your life and therefore you should enjoy the freedom and choice as much as you can because you will never get it back, time slips through your fingers so why spend the time you are alone miserable? Enjoy being alone! Focus on meeting friends and finding you who you are and what you like outside a relationship. If you could save up money and travel you should do that and stay at hostels. Explore the world now. Treat the current moment as precious no matter your circumstances, even if you get into a happy relationship, never take any moment for granted and always be thankful, I wish you the best though! xxx

Alisha