PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Why I Don't Talk About Female Narcissists

Thank you, I am a 78 year old widower of 3 years. Watching my brilliant nurse spouse deteriate caused by injuries and medication and cigarettes , causing personality change , was traumatic, so I am trying to understand it all.

From watching Vaknin, the gist I get from him is that modern feminism is modelling itself on narcissistic and psychopathic men. So these toxic tropes will be seeping into mainstream female culture greatly....

Emiliana Tan

I think that's a smart move. I thought I was pretty clued up on narcissism and cluster B after a year of solid study... Not just pop psych articles and videos but reading the Psychoanalytic theories of Kohut, Masterson, Kernberg etc and dozens of papers a week from all areas of psychology research and clinical perspectives. Another year in and I felt like... Ah, no... Now I get it! It actually took about 5 years of this to really understand it and to be able to differentiate NPD from the myriad of things that can look like it at surface level..it requires overcoming a lot of biases and defences of your own and working through your own narcissism to get to a genuinely objective view, and for obvious reasons most people with something to say on the topic are living with unhealed trauma from their own encounters, even if they have at least made some sense of what happened on a cognitive level. In fact I got into the psychology of female nature and intersexual dynamics for this very reason - I was at a point where it felt like ALL females were pathologically narcissistic, which rational me knew was an unlikely truth! There are plenty of people who do promote that idea in the manosphere and YouTube in general though, so it would have been easy to adopt it myself. As a student of "proper" psychology first and a red piller second, I'm very grateful to you for the amazing work you do from the same in a league of your perspective....you're really in a league of your own in that regard so well done and keep it up!

These pockets/knots of energy that exists in your psyche that you have mentioned are called Complexes in Psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysts help their patients by making them aware of these complexes and working on taking the power away that these complexes have on their personality.

Hardik Gupta

I am going to slightly disagree with Alexander here. Yes it’s crucial to differentiate low quality woman, everyday narcissism and npd. Especially so for women. The defining characteristics are refusal to accept criticism, lack of empathy, projection, black & white thinking, gaslighting, cycles of valuation and devaluation, attempts to destroy confidence of others rather than traits associated with everyday narcissism. Some characterize npd as a false facade with the true person being in some way dead. That is all the good side is fake. This is rather than the benign interpretation that the true person is deep down good but stressed, depressed having pms or whatever. Understanding that the person has become wired differently, and how deep rooted and unreachable and unfixable this is was life changing for me. Yes there are degrees but saying it’s a spectrum is in danger of mischaracterizing it. You are truly dealing with a different type of creature and it’s important to be aware. Having watched many YouTube videos specifically on npd (and sometimes bpd) I was able to understand and divorce my ex wife.

Andy

What do you think is a more healthy alternative?

beret-doppelganger

Great video. De-mystifying women is my goal here too. One thing I would add to this is that Psychopathology and the DSM-5 does view everything as a spectrum. There are degrees of disorders outlined within the DSM -5. There are also personality traits that constitute a syndrome but do not rise to the level of a disorder. I think the vast majority of women could be best described as having a narcissistic syndrome. The extent to which our personalities can change is a question wholly dependent upon what theory of personality one is using. The less controversial assessment of a person who vacillates between a syndrome and a disorder is more dependent on external changes. So, the difference between a syndrome and a disorder is more due to life circumstances or changes in life circumstances and whether a person is able to cope with those circumstances. Someone living in the Canadian tundra with arachnophobia might be considered to have a syndrome. Transport that same person to a hot rain forest and that phobia can quickly become regarded as a disorder solely due to the external change and their ability to cope with it.

Todd McDaniels

At the bar the other day and the bartender was talking to some guys about the new house he and his wife just bought. He made a comment about his wife putting together a list of things that needed to get done for their move. One guy commented something like “the honey do list will just get worst from here on out.” Then another guy commented “wait until she gives you page 2 as you’re walking out the door.” Then a third commented “it never ends.” And a fourth said “welcome to marriage and home ownership.” They all cringed and shook their heads in shared solidarity- but resigned acceptance. My husband and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. The “honey do list” has become so normalized it’s culturally accepted as a standard female behavior. Which is unfortunate because you know the jokes and cynical acceptance are thinking of the more extreme versions of it - where women take advantage of and manipulate the nature of men and their tendency to show love through acts of service. And it is not just narcissists or women with BPD who do this. The way it is joked about, it seems very widespread… and very sad.

Yeah I completely agree. I even see on social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram, girls I went to school with posting memes that are actually abusive to their partners as a joke. The amount of females slapping males on TV as well is shocking, it is almost as if violence against men is okay... xxx

Alisha

I totally agree 💯

Jonathan Ansley

From the timestamp 7:30 to 9:30: This is exactly why I watch AG's content and why I think his materials adds unique value amidst an already ostensibly saturated theme. There are wayyy too many "dating coaches", "relationship gurus" or what have you on all kinds of social media platforms but AG stands out in my eyes for the reasons he explained there AND because he goes into the why using a framework that is grounded in evolutionary psychology among other things. This way, I get some fish and learn how to fish so I can use that framework to make my own arguments even when they don't align with AG's stance on them. Also, Kevin Samuels has been making a lot of noise of late. He's another great guy to look into!

Ashwin Srinivas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQR4v43DtTc "This is The True Cost of Sleeping Around" This is the one you're looking for, if I'm not mistaken.

Ashwin Srinivas

I think that’s a good decision. Members of the community dealing explicitly with narcissistic personality disorder are regularly also emphasising that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter whether it’s properly diagnosed NPD or some kind of “toxic” behaviour. For the victim it’s relevant to address the specific issue and take initiative for themselves. Rumination around whether a partner being actually “narcissistic” or not is already an indicator of an unhealthy relationship that needs change. People with NPD cannot be dragged to the therapist and cannot be called out. Therefore “self-diagnosing” is a common and necessary thing to do. The trap is to get stuck in the discussion what’s NPD and what not. It’s sufficient to conclude it’s “toxic” and the partner cannot be mentally reached to address the issue. Therefore I think it’s a good choice to avoid the topic - also to keep the medical term of NPD sharply defined and not to help further deluding it. It’s a typical characteristic of a victim to be overly invested into their toxic partner. Getting stuck in such assessment and need for proper analysis is therefore more a victim’s trait. There is no such objective requirement for partnerships. Therefore a discussion about partnerships normally can also dispense with any further analysis. The wish to label is understandable - but probably also not helping to take ownership as a victim.

Hey! Can anyone give me link to video where he presents corelatiin between number of sexual partners and decrease of ability to create bonds? Thanks!