PATREON EXCLUSIVE: What To Do If You Catch Feelings For Someone Else When You're Already In A Relationship?

This topic deserves so much more attention... What about open relationships or classical swingers where they often happily keep and evolve in their marriage instead of ending up in a fiery breakup? What if everything is agreed, there's no lies and no cheating, incl. with regard to emotional attachment? What if this is 20+ years together where both need some fresh air which can't be replaced by anything on their own island? Too many if-s and taboos, ubiquitously downplayed by monogamous dogmas and subpar sex education.

I agree to most of what you said but not so sure about, that you are in control of whether you are having thoughts about her even when she is not around you. I agree that there could be a conscious element in fantasizing about her but I think you cannot control thoughts that come spontaneously in your field of consciousness. You can conciously disengage from these thoughts but you cannot stop them (they keep on bothering you) from appearing in your field of consciousness. That's a typical example of ANIMA Projection in Jungian psychoanalysis. And that's your psyche's way of showing parts of your unrealised self. Love to know your thoughts on this.

Hardik Gupta

Anytime someone entertains thoughts of getting romantic with someone else while being in a relationship, that person is already guilty, plain and simple. As a Christian, there is this moral maxim that Jesus taught in Matthew 5 which says "you've heard it said that you should not commit adultery. But if you even look at a woman and lust (ie covet) for her, you've already committed adultery in your heart". This obviously applies to both genders, not just to men. I think that it's good to understand why you're feeling this way and process it, but like Alex said, the person has to understand that acting out on these feelings will 100% cause problems. The solution to this is to also not entertain such thoughts and engage in fantasy in the first place. I mean, if one is happy in their relationship, why do they need to go out there and "explore"? In today's perverted world, I feel like we've become really good at justifying all kinds of heinous acts in the name of "freedom, empowerment, etc". In my view, this is the primary factor that has been demoralizing the West, and although we live in a scientifically and technologically advanced society, we have become morally decrepit. The sexual liberation movement and feminism made sure of this, along with Marxism. I am truly sad to see that, especially here in America, that we have come to this point. I hope that more and more people will realize the importance of commitment and stop looking at it as a "straightjacket". This kind of mentality is toxic to its core, and I would even say it's extremely demonic. I pray that our society will improve and begin to celebrate love the right way instead of constantly aim to destroy it and replace it with something artificial and plastic.

Anosh Orahim

Excellent video, but I had an experience from the other side. I was single, and I had a relationship with a married woman. We started as regular friends, she was only my female friend, but she often blamed her husband. Step by step our relationship changed to a sexual affair. Crazy was, that I believed, I am morally entitled to have a relationship with a married woman because her husband was a jerk. (Actually, he wasn't, but she described him as a jerk). I was not able to see any moral problem with my behavior, because I have only one relationship. I admitted her behavior was problematic, but from my point of view, it was her problem, not my ;-) (Kind of moral gymnastics ;-) I was young and naive, that I believed I am a hero, someone who is saving her and bringing her some happiness in her life. Now I understand I had never allowed to start a sexual affair with a married woman. If I was more mature, I should help her to solve her problem with her husband. But she was so attractive to me that I blindly fell in love with her.

More like scarcity mindset lol. Always gonna fiend for that hit of playa validation that you're the "man" or else you might start tweaking lol

Liam

I genuinely don't think it's that complex Alex. A man who is committed will never have this problem unless he made a mistake at the time he first made said commitment. If he made a mistake, then break up. The best time to plant a tree is years ago, the second best time to do it is today. If you're committed for real and it wasn't a mistake, and it really is forever, feminine energy, a bombshell body, these things your girl will already have so you are really just attracted back to what she already gives you. Whereas, this new interest would not be there if you were rushed to hospital, if your parents died, if you lost your job, etc. Your girl currently gives you both security and elicits desire from you. It's not a moral question anymore, looking at leaving something that good just looks moronic. That is why no committed man who was sure of his decision would ever have this problem.

Liam

I love the amoral attitude about polyamory; it's great because we "need the data".

Havent watched this video, but my answer would be do the Chad move and fuck them both lol. You need to have an abundance mindset

Alex, sometimes your videos come just at the right time. Thanks again for all your work. This is a great one.

Cole Astaire

This is rather concerning, being bisexual doesn’t increase a persons risk of cheating, trust me, straight women already have plenty of options. I am not sure if you are trolling xxx

Alisha

What is the point in this comment? I hope you are planning on working on your toxic behaviour xxx

Alisha

Great point and great description of moving the line. Awareness? They have to be aware of moving the line? Maybe and maybe not. I think it’s true some might be aware of their cognitive dissonance and just redefine the problem by moving the line. Some might deal with their cognitive dissonance by being consciously or unconsciously troubled. Others I think just ignore and repress the issue. They might be shocked themselves by how much they moved the line. But I’m just supposing. More importantly one can’t alter course or work preventatively as long as one is using an emotional manner of thinking. If one doesn’t step out one’s emotions at some point, then the outcome will only be a matter of course.

Todd McDaniels

My beautiful bisexual girlfriend seems to steal souls and capture hearts everywhere she goes, without even trying. I get so mad and so jealous, that I try to control her every move, and even punish her for hanging out with certain female friends of hers- particularly the ones I find attractive, because I have a guilty conscious and think she is over there lezzing out all day long and not even being kind enough to let me watch! She comes home and I give her butt the silent treatment and get snarky with her, instead of opening up about how I'm feeling 😡

So do you believe people are meant to be polyamorous or just men (sorry it might just be a translation error)? If so, why? xxx

Alisha

That is very interesting that you cheated, what was it exactly that made you cheat? Like as much detail as possible. Was your partner lacking in anything? What were you lacking in and what did the new person offer you? Sorry if that is too personal but I find this stuff interesting. I kinda get the validation thing though and I am glad you are doing better xxx

Alisha

I have two comments here, but first let me say that I very much enjoyed the video. Now onto the comments. 1. As someone who has cheated, I will agree with the assessment that the choice was driven by my effort to solve my internal issues with external validation. Let me state unequivocally that it was wrong of me to do so and I really regret the choice. I ran into the woman that Alexander speaks of in the video. Someone that validated and accepted my insecurities and responded strongly to my physical presence. She was a low-quality woman, that in the end simply used and then discarded me but that does not excuse my actions. I needed to get better, seek therapy and, frankly, fucking grow up. I needed to recognise what I required in a partner vs. what I need to provide for myself. 2. I'll disagree with the polyamory argument. Having just watched a fair number of your back catalogue videos I'll say this is a topic that the RP community like Rollo and Rich get right. Evolutionary psychology wires men to be allergic to polyamorous relationships where there is a possibility of raising another man's child. I realize that modern society may say that this "caveman" thinking isn't applicable today, but let's be fair, human evolution doesn't change as fast a technology and social beliefs. I honestly could never be in an open relationship.

I totally agree that it's about you as the person looking elsewhere.  This is why I believe when someone gets cheated on they can't blame themselves or the 3rd party.  The only one responsible is the cheater.  And Alexander is absolutely right when he talks about choice.  There's a point when thinking becomes doing and a you always know when you get to that point. But people who have emotional affairs often rationalize that moment and say 'I'm not cheating because I'm not having sex.'  When they go out of their way to see the other person or talk to them, that's still an action. And when they keep moving the line from 'don't flirt with others' to 'it's only flirting' to 'its just a lunch date, it's not like we're having sex' that is intentional. Todd mentioned a lack of self awareness/reflection.  But I suspect the emotional cheater is very aware.  They'd have to be in order to continue to move the line.

Jennifer Coopman

Yes. Such great harm in emotional cheating. It seems to creep in when it does with a lack of awareness and self-reflection. I think Alexander is right that one needs to look internally to address it.

Todd McDaniels

Thanks for this video🙏🏽. Even though I’ve been single for basically my whole life it’s good info for when Im actually in a relationship👌🏾.

Seconded.

beret-doppelganger

Die Sache ist im allgemeinen kompliziert, da ich nach wie vor der Meinung bin, dass der Mensch nicht für Monogamie geschaffen ist. Was aber ungemein hilft, ist dass man sich gegenseitig „rar“ macht. Nicht immer küssen, nicht immer „ich liebe Dich“ sagen oder auch sich nicht ständig nackt zu sehen. So bleibt das Interesse an seinem Partner länger bestehen! Ein großartiger Vortrag, Alexander! Lg Andi

Andi Arbeit

Absolutely- and vice versa to women as well. Given the horror stories I’ve read on your channel - wish more people were able to hear this one.

100% agree