PATREON EXCLUSIVE: When Dating, Should You Be Open Minded Or Have Narrow Criteria?

I did not know how to communicate where I am in my "dating" or relationship life until this video. I am category one, using the dating world to learn about myself and woman's qualities and slowly sliding into category 1.5. I am recently single after 33 years of marriage and have only been with one woman all my life. Having little previous social life, I am doing dating apps. For a while I swiped right on just about every woman who looked somewhat healthy. After my first few dates and the woman talking about commitments and marriage almost immediately, I became much more introspective and had honest discussions with them and myself in what I am looking for in a partner, or even do I need a partner at all? These talks were very enlightening, both for them, as well as me, while trying to discover/rediscover myself. I am much more discerning now. Working in the garden, enjoying the individual beauty in each aspect of the flowers, shrubs and trees and how each combines to make the whole. I can see how the yellow flower works here, I do not have to focus on a red one. The shorter shrub is more complimentary in this case vs a tall more aggressive variety. Thanks for helping me to verbalize what I have been going through.

The problem is that most single people set this bar irrealistacally high though... I know that you are concentrating on the men's side but could you maybe give some advice how can a woman spot if she is just a "good enough" girl if you have some time? My best friend (female) always ends up in these kinds of relationships and at the first her guys don't seem less interested than the average.

Liandra

Good for you :) How did your husband make the comment about the pink hair? Was he subtle? Was he serious? Were you offended at first? Sorry for being greedy for info haha!

Alexander Grace

I'm going to provide a cautionary tale counter argument to this idea Alex first gives of being very open minded, and why this is truly a potential disaster. Alex presents open mindedness by the guy as a wonderful thing. I will say yes, that's fine if you believe that your ideal is going to be Pam Anderson or (enter generationally relevant sex symbol here) and you're still a virgin or close to it. The serious danger of guys being open minded when dating is that men are goal oriented and have the need to achieve. Many men will see a woman who he connects with by just going with the flow and vibing with as an accident, and not HIS choice. For the women reading this, you NEED to be his choice, even if it wasn't really his logical mind that made it for him. Tl;dr, the decision has to come from him and the deeper that urge he chose you came from, the more powerful the final stage commitment will ultimately bee. If the man perceives he didn't choose her because she just satisfied the minimum requirement of being 1.There, 2.Alive, 3.Female, and 4.somewhat attractive, then this girl if she falls for him is likely to get dragged through the mud in a relationship where she was always just "good enough" and his commitment is always 99% with an option to quit, never all-in. For men, achieving "good enough" in any arena of life is like experiencing an instant, excruciatingly humiliating death. We would rather get beaten, bruised, and bloodied trying and failing to get our ideal than to get the girl who we are just whatever about. This consolation prize girl will be 1000% friendzoned but stuck in a relationship that already has the expiration date firmly in place. If it's not a fuck yes... then it's a fuck no. And this is why it is crucially important that men have a concrete idea what they are looking for, to be exclusive when their desired bar isn't met, and to qualify their dates. In no uncertain terms, men, we discriminate, and that is the healthiest man there is. I certainly don't say this to be cruel, quite the opposite. I say this so this pain never happens to a woman who can easily prevent it, and any man who knows to prevent it in the first place. Have an idea of what you want, but only just narrow enough that the one you choose, you earned her.

Liam

Great advices again. Women could use it too because a lot of us have an impossible list of the qualities of their dream prince in their head. Also regarding the appearance thing: sometimes small things can be changed in your partner if she is open to it. For example my husband told me that he thinks I would look great with pinkish hair. At first I prefered my blond hair but then I tried for his sake and now we both like this color better so I kept it.

Liandra

Watched this one time before writing. Think for me it is one of the best ones. Should go back and see it again. As older you are fixed and if healthy know more of who you are. For me at seventy it is knowing what type of garden I like most. With this enjoy other gardens. My garden has friends that are intelligent, open, inquisitive, think different then myself, responsible and other things. Looking for a woman to be a special area of the garden. She is all the same things. One difference she perceives the world same way I do in a broad way. With living things my garden has rocks and earth that do not change. Having your life be a garden. With a woman occupying a very significant area of the garden. Look after all the garden of your life giving your woman’s garden area very close attention. Woman’s special garden area feminine strength, intelligence. This list could go on for the most they are not tangible things. Likely an old man’s view as life as a garden with the women in your life occupying a very significant area of your garden.

Domald

The garden analogy made me think of Song of Solomon. Such beautiful descriptions for attraction, love, marriage, and sex. “Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits.” Song of Solomon 4:16 I agree the analogy of being a Gardner with a garden makes sense. As you say, a garden grows and changes over time. So, it’s better to look for qualities like nutrient rich soil, water, sun/shade, etc. Plus, it needs to be tended to, nourished, etc. to thrive. And, one can, and should, enjoy and benefit from the fruits of that labor.

I loved this video, it is so wholesome 😍😭 Ma wee heart ❤

Alisha

I think as well that this video can apply to yourself and the ideal self you picture yourself to be. My ideal self changes over time and isn't a solid, fixed person. Things change all the time so you need to adapt, the wind changes direction so go with the flow. Or like Alexander's analogy with the oak tree, don't put the oak tree in an unsuitable environment without space and nourishment to grow into the best it can be. I remember wanting to be the perfect, ideal woman that was elegant, seductive, quite controlled in my manner, oddly cold and mysterious... that is how I always pictured my ideal self as a teenager but unfortunately I am apparently a bit more enthusiastic, warm, playful, a bit raunchy with jokes, uninhibited/shameless and very open/not mysterious at all. It isn't what I pictured for myself and it was a little hard accepting who I really am but now I feel content in who I am. I guess it may sounds strange but overall in terms of dancing I wanted to be the woman who was slow, sexy and elegant that intrigued people but it isn't who I really am, I am the girl that is laughing and a bit wild and unashamed to dance how I want to the point that everyone else actually admires my guts and I infect those people to not feel shame too and to get up and dance however they want. I feel like my dancing movements, my body and mind are calibrated and it is quite a powerful feeling xxx

Alisha

I really liked the analogy of comparing people/relationships to a crumbling house vs a growing garden. I use a similar analogy myself when people claim to be damaged or that someone else is damaged mentally. They always use the analogy of if you break a vase and put it together the cracks are always there but I say that analogy is a load of rubbish and that because humans are organic (like a garden) that I compare it to a broken bone that grows back even stronger, or a virus that the body fights off and builds stronger immunity too xxx

Alisha

That is funny because I have described a relationship like song that keeps going with different parts or a book/painting being created. With the music analogy I would say that sometimes you think that you like a certain type of music and then you hear something new and suddenly you feel beauty in it you never even thought you'd feel. I don't know if that makes sense 😅 xxx

Alisha

Around the 9:00 mark of the video, it amazes me how in this space called the  manosphere on a channel that often deals with dark female nature that I sometimes hear Alexander say some of the most romantic things I've ever heard in my life.  A relationship is a garden? What a beautiful thought!  Interesting that he mentioned the building analogy because earlier in the video at 3:30-5:00 it reminded me of the house buying or car buying process.  You think you know exactly what you want until you start seeing a whole bunch of different houses or test drive a bunch of cars and realize 'oh yeah this actually doesn't work for our family' or 'Wow I never knew I liked that' or 'I thought that was non negotiable but it didn't matter, really this is what's non negotiable'. I wish some women I know had spent as much time on what kind of man to have children with as they did on where to live or what car to buy.  While proof reading, I reflected on what I just wrote, and thought Hmmm... Alexander described a growing garden; I described a major purchase. Is this proof that: 1. Men are romantic and women are the receivers of romance. 2. Women view relationships as transactional. 

Jennifer Coopman