PATREON EXCLUSIVE: How To Recover After Acting Needy With A Girl

I'll occasionally lose my frame in my relationship and even in my job, and it's usually a consequence of bad habits creeping into my life OR there is a problem that I am not addressing. The solution for me is to pull back and work on myself, or address whatever problem I am avoiding. Luckily, I am in a relationship so I get plenty of chances to recover frame.

I needed this video. Always a suiting reminder. I have been shutting off dating for the last 2 years as I haven't started to figure out and solve my childhood issues back then. But now it does occur that I become too invested into a girl that shows signs of interest, but the right thing would be to be invested in equal terms as she seems to be, and see how it escalates..

I feel called out... xD great vid!

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I think you might be fixating too much on the feminine and the masculine roles and frames. I guess I don't fully know the circumstances though. Maybe you need to work on being able to balance your masculinity and femininity, you shouldn't be uncomfortable having moments where you are in the feminine, everyone is always in flux xxx

Alisha

@Alisha, I understand where you are coming from and you are correct. It was difficult for me to type a feeling. How can I say it. - We definitely had conversation and attachment. We talked about only seeing each other, but we weren't all in yet. I feel I dropped into her feminine role and this also made me uncomfortable. Maybe, that is what she sensed. Does this make sense? BTW, I get a lot of my clarity here by actually thinking through these comments.

I am sorry mate but I feel you should be able to be vocal about your needs in a relationship otherwise it is kinda toxic. What did you do exactly? Were you acting too clingy or desperate? I am sorry that happened to you, I hope you meet someone who you can communicate your needs too who won't make you feel like you made a mistake in doing so, you deserve that at least xxx

Alisha

In my recent dating experiences I know not to pretend I am something I am not, but to actually become a better, reliable and more masculine man. This also includes learning to walk away from a quality woman, who I gave to much info, "showing neediness". I was OK in the first few months of this particular relationship, one of my first since the divorce. I was especially careful at this stage not to be overly exuberant for meeting a really good woman. Having learned from my previous marriage that what a women says is not always what she truly wants, I rationed the things I said. Note that this is not pretending, or gaming, but just being mature and understanding to say the proper thing at the proper time. Not much difference than how a parent should speak to their child. Well, I slipped a few months ago. Not quite blurting out what I wanted from a relationship with a women, but I might as well have shouted it to the world because the results were the same. I could feel the wind leaving the sails. It was not that I actually expressed my feelings, but it was to early and possibly to strong. This woman prompted me to lead our relationship with subtle hints, which I learned to read. In return, she was giving me the things I wanted emotionally by her femininity, charm, trust and the respect I was being shown. However, when I spoke out loud of what I "needed" instead of just feeling her energy, poof, it was gone. From that day we became just friends. In summary, I was getting my needs met from this quality woman, shown by her reciprocating my actions. I was a man to her, fulfilling her needs without her verbally telling me what she needed. And she did the same for me. I gained nothing by expressing my needs verbally. It is often more difficult NOT to say or do certain things than to unnecessarily express them. I do want to say that we both had some of the most intimate conversations either of us had ever had in our lives. She loved that I listened, and I grew from listening. In this day and age most of us lack experience and knowledge of proper relationships. I am learning to listen and to stay in my masculine frame. And, finally, there is no way to recover after acting needy to a woman. It is just a sign of immaturity to try.

The more we let ourselves stew in that anxiety, the worse it becomes until it blossoms into a full-blown panic. At that point our neediness goes from simple apprehension into a nigh-obsession. Once neediness takes over, clingy behavior becomes the norm because much of that fear revolves around the fear of being powerless. We feel the loss of control so keenly that we do whatever it takes to try to resolve those fears. And so needy, clingy behavior becomes the norm; it’s a way of retaking the power we don’t have.

James Herington

The whole act right to attract women attitude is misleading to begin with. Women love bad boys not because they treat them in specific bad way but because women are attracted to them for other reasons (mostly because of looks and genetics). Everything else follows. The same goes for nice average looking guys. Women despise them not because they act needy or make mistakes or text too much. But because the nice guys choose women who are unattracted to them for other reasons that could not be changed ever in 90% of situations.

AG, you seem to be outright dimissive of this ostensibly common notion that first impressions are lasting impressions. I think there is some truth to that and you're advice and/or primary stance on the matter that you just shouldn't be needy in the first plac and if you screw up, just mov eon another girl, applies most if the first impression itself conveyed neediness. Now, if this neediness manifested further along, it is easier to overcome by ignoring it, learning form it and making sure it does not happen again.

Ashwin Srinivas

You are kinda right. Except this is more perspective: still you have to make right moves and keep relations from falling apart. And that abundance is probably not really is expressed and accessible as countless options served on a plate women have.

Ignas

Makes sense to me. It’s possible the different responses would affect my sense of safety and security (not in a direct physical way, but in an emotional, future-thinking kind of way) If you ignore it, it might be easy to think: “He’s human, everyone has a moment of weakness. Even though he’s stumbled he’s picked himself up and keeps moving forward.” It can actually add to a sense of safety for a woman to know that when life throws curve balls, he’ll keep plowing ahead. Also, if/when she stumbles herself, she knows she’s not alone and has a behavioral role model. If you dwell on it, it might be easy to think: “How can I trust him to follow his lead and get us where we are going, when he’s too busy looking at what’s gone wrong so far behind us. Also, will that mean if I stumble, he will over analyze and dwell on it forever?” That said, as Alex mentioned this may depend on the stage of the relationship, the display of “neediness,” and the girls value system/character.

I laughed so hard Alexander when you said something like women have exorbitant memory to remember about the mistakes but it is only triggered when that mistake happens again. That's soooo me. :D I laughed so hard that my husband asked me what is so funny and after explaining it to him: yep, that's deffinitely you. :)

Liandra

I get what you are saying about how people should be themselves in a relationship however being super needy is a sign of insecurity and all though everyone is insecure to a point it can be a lot to go into a relationship with someone like that. For instance if they constantly need reassurance that they are attractive or accuse you of not being attracted to them, that is stressful on the other person. Insecurity on your part could lead to controlling behaviour with a partner and the partner would feel guilty about everything and the partner doesn't deserve that. Trust is essential in a relationship xxx

Alisha

Very important comment.

Liandra

Hey Vitali, can you elaborate on how they are cyinic in your perception? Trying to understand here.

If one think woman is super special - that’s great, but if she is special and you have great connection why you have to do something? “With her finally I will be happy” No. You wont. You will have the same mind, you will be probably afraid of losing her most of the time. If one has this kind of thing is more likely expression of children trauma. And this is point where is worth to put energy.

Women are cynics, who pretend to be romantics, and men are romantics, who pretend to be cynics. So we are naturally quite different in approach to relationships. There is no point in trying to fix it and proving something to a woman, who has marked you as an expandable in her head. She will only have respect to you, if you move on and completely ignore her. In some cases there will be even attempts to return you, but it's not worth it, there is no return, just ignore her. After all women are not special, they are all pretty much the same and if personal happiness is a priority and there's no big need in family and children, they have almost zero value to men's life. Chase excellence, not women.

Vitalii Stepchenko

I think it's very sad how you have to put up this act. I can see how an attractive man would not get needy easily. But it's also a very normal thing to happen. What's the purpose of a relationship then of you can't be yourself and act needy sometimes? I wouldn't even feel close to a person if I can't be myself around them. I had an experience, my first experience where I did not disqualify myself. It was with a promiscuous woman on my last vacation and while the experience was very special to me. I noticed afterwards how I was just very replaceable and how the experience just meant nothing to her.. I met her at a hostel in Croatia and I thought we connected very well and she even said that. But she also said she would go for hookups normally. All in all we spent 7 days together. We had a great time, took an Airbnb after the hostel one day before departure. And then she even came to visit me at home a week after and stayed at my place for 4 days. While this was my first time as an attractive 26yo man who just does not have women around in his lifestyle.. (software engineer and failed pro gamer) She said she had slept with 30men and most of it was in the course of one year. Idk.. I wasn't even that needy. I just texted a little too much, maybe opened up too much and wanted to stay in touch over the distance. Just to have some femininity in my life. (the distance was just too big and she said she was not emotionally available) But I guess with how she is living and her degree of neediness she just can't understand.

I had a girlfriend previously who had what I considered to be a dismissive avoidant personality. Relative to that it was difficult to be anything but needy or clingy. I’m into a promising relationship right now and I’m hyper aware of the imperative of not coming over as needy or clingy.

Todd McDaniels

Projection is the enemy of genuine connection.

You need to have an abundance mindset when dating women. Women do not want men that are needy even if you really feel she’s “special”. Women want a man that is focused on his own purpose in life, that has things going for him. The best way to recover is to realize that there’s millions of women on earth that will love to date you and that you probably have better things to do than stress over a girl. School, work, fitness, business, etc. Remember men, don’t chase women ever. You’re the celebrity, women are the fans.

A girl had asked this for a male friend of hers, I told her if he’s going to take my advice and very few men actually go thru with it, he has to be willing to lose her and not care, because sometimes you go to far into no return, she no longer respects you no matter what so you gotta be willing to walk away and mean it