When Parallel Polyamory Goes Wrong

Hi cutie and happy Sunday!

So I posted a reel on Instagram recently about parallel polyamory, and was asked to elaborate a bit.

Often described in shorthand as “the opposite of Kitchen Table Polyamory” (where everyone in the polycule knows each other and feels comfortable hanging out), Parallel polyamory is a polycule status where metamours don’t interact with each other, and may never even meet.

“Is it healthy?”

Longtime patrons know I don’t really like diagnostic terms like healthy/unhealthy, unless we’re discussing systems that are inherently oppressive of one or more parties. Parallel polyamory isn’t inherently harmful. It’s a perfectly valid way for things to unfold.

Sometimes the reasons are logistical, where distance or scheduling prevents metas from hanging out. Or maybe it would just feel forced to bring everyone together, and they’re open to meeting when the time feels right. But sometimes, there’s an active avoidance of, or disdain for, a metamour.

Let’s discuss that last one.

If partners dislike each other, that’s not automatically a problem. If they’re not dating, they don’t need to get along. But several less-than-ideal circumstances can arise from this, which do merit further inquiry.

Triangulation

If metas try to send signals to each other through their shared partner, or the hinge tries to intervene and encourage them to get along, it could cause even more stress. It’s so important for the shared partner to delineate what is and isn’t their business, and stay out of conflicts that don’t involve them. 

If partners are pressuring the hinge to take sides, or using shady tactics to assert territorialism, it’s the hinge's responsibility to be firm and not participate in it. Metas can either resolve things directly, or agree to be civil and keep their distance.

Controlling Behaviors

If metas refuse to interact with each other, this could present logistical tensions because they’re still dating the same person. Maybe they see the meta’s phone charger left behind after a date, or smell their perfume lingering on the sofa. Maybe the hinge wants a birthday party where all partners attend (or for that matter, just wants to exist in spaces where there's a chance of running into other partners).

Sustainability asks any metas in conflict to be reasonable, and try to be civil with each other. It is absolutely possible to do this; divorced parents do it for the sake of their shared kid all the time.

They can ask the hinge for mindfulness (e.g. “please don’t share stories with me about how great you think they are” or “please give me a heads up if they’ll be at an event”) but can’t demand the hinge erase all evidence of their meta from view. 

As always, boundaries are “this is how I’m willing to be treated,” while controlling rules are “this is how you must behave.” During heightened emotions, the lines can be blurry on these. But when in doubt, step back and consider if a request is a vulnerable ask for care, or rather an attempt to assert control over the situation.

Avoidance

If a partner is fearful of knowing anything about their metas, and refuses to engage with the stressful feelings that come up about that, it could brew a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell atmosphere.

When we feel this way, the solution isn’t to pretend to be cool with it. But suppression and avoidance just delay dealing with it. These strong emotions will confront us when we inevitably see traces of the meta in our partners' lives. A random text, a used condom, the knowledge our partner is staying out. We’ll be forced to deal with reality then, so isn’t it better to get ahead of it?

Strong emotional reactions are opportunities for us to learn more about ourselves. Why do we want to run from it? What do we fear? Who / what are we reminded of? Is polyamory itself something we really want?

The answers to such questions may be uncomfortable. But it’s so important to design our relationships with full knowledge of our needs and desires, as well as our buttons and PTSD triggers.

“What’s reasonable to ask of a Parallel polycule?”

It depends. If having a party where they all attend is very important to you, negotiate the terms with each of them. They do have the right to say no, and counter with a separate celebration. Or, if they’re fine to meet each other but don’t want the first hang to be a big stressful event, you can discuss lower stakes scenarios.

There’s no one-size-fits-all definition of “reasonable”. A long distance lover who never sees you might want a full week of time with you, which would be less reasonable for a local partner to ask for. It really all depends on who’s involved, what they need and what tangible restrictions of time / resources exist among you.

In short: talk about it. Own your emotions, and acknowledge what is and isn't your jurisdiction, especially when it comes to metas in conflict. 

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Metas don’t have to know each other. They don’t have to like each other. But they do need to respect that someone they care about is invested in that relationship. And the hinge must be a strong, proactive communicator. With negotiation, and a clear understanding of boundaries v rules, sustainability shouldn’t be a problem.

I hope this is helpful! If you're navigating an uncomfortable situation in a Parallel polycule, let me know and I'll be happy to chat with you about tailor-made solutions.

With love,
Morgan