Here's a deleted chapter of my Book
Added 2018-03-05 14:44:50 +0000 UTCDue to stuff there's not going to be a Patreon podcast again this week. Instead, here's a short, deleted chapter from my upcoming (and still wildly untitled) book. Actually, this was one of the first bits I wrote, but it's miserable and I wanted to make a book with a much, much more positive tone. Something, something, kill your darlings.
Note that this was an early draft, the grammar is all over the place and no professional editors have had a look at it. I've only been back over it once today to correct the fucking awful spelling. The final book (Currently 165 pages long sans art) will be more fun, grammatically correct and have lovely illustrations by Rebecca. It will come out this year. Maybe next. Possibly the one after that. Who knows?
Anyway, here's the thing.
Grand Theft Auto IV
Developer: Rockstar North
Publisher: Rockstar Games
Platform: PS3, 360, PC
Release: 2008
What’s it about?: Murder most horrid.
Back when I was a tiny bairn we used to live in a smallish house with these brilliant white windowsills out front. For a few days every summer they used to swarm with hundreds, maybe even thousands, of these tiny, bright red bugs. We called them bloodsuckers, a quick google tells me they’re called clover mites. I prefer my name.
The thing about bloodsuckers is that they’re easy to smush and after being smushed, they leave a tiny red blood smear behind them. For a kid this was pure imagination fuel. When the bloodsuckers were out, so was I. Tanks Vs Bloodsuckers, Army Men vs Bloodsuckers, Aliens Vs Bloodsuckers, those windowsills saw a great many battles I can tell you. After each skirmish it looked like someone with a nosebleed had had a sneezing fit nearby.
A few years ago I went back to that house and saw the bloodsuckers again. I smushed one, as is the tradition, and instead of feeling joy at the tiny blob of viscera left over, I felt an unending wave of guilt. I had killed an innocent creature for no reason. The fun was gone. I was a man now.
Grand Theft Auto IV is the video game equivalent of that feeling.
Nestled between getting a score bonus for running over an entire precision of Hare Krishnas in the first Grand Theft Auto, and crashing a passenger jet into a UFO in the fifth, lies GTA IV, a realistic game about not having fun.
I can’t overstate this enough, GTA IV is a game about not having fun. It came out during that awkward PS3 realism phase where everything was brown, dull and played like a rainy caravan holiday. Liberty city* was beautifully detailed, but in a depressing way, like a baroque cake made for a funeral. Even during a sunset, a time when games really get to show off the goods, the visuals had all the aesthetic appeal of the chairs in a care home.
Fun side quests such as piloting RC vehicles, going on a rampage or taking part in a destruction derby were swapped out for going on dates that were about as fun as commuting, the now infamous bowling and... I genuinely can’t think of anything else. I used to spend all my time crashing into this swing in a park that glitched out and sent you flying across the map. You couldn’t even fly planes. Nobody could, not even the AI. The planes at the airport just drove in slow loops round the runways. It felt like everyone was trapped in an eternal Monday morning.
Our lead character in this city based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire was Niko Bellic. A veteran whose American dream was to come to Liberty City and kill the man who betrayed his military unit. He’s a cheery fellow who in cutscenes will say things like this...
“After you walk into a village and you see 50 children, all sitting neatly in a row, against a church wall, each with their throats cut and their hands chopped off, you realize that the creature that could do this doesn't have a soul.”
… and then will gun down hundreds of innocent police just so he could rob a bank, throw grenades into a hospital for giggles and not even slightly hesitate to mow down anything weaker than the car he’s currently in. The story makes him out to be a damaged war vet but the gameplay forces him to be a psychopath. A boring psychopath at that.
If Rockstar had held it’s trigger finger on the missions and kept murder to a minimum then GTA IV could have been a masterpiece. ** Instead GTA IV is a game that doesn’t fully commit. It tries to balance bleakness and silly old mass murder but lands in a middle ground where the bleakness looks silly and the mass murder is bleak. Attaching guilt to murder in a game about murdering forces me to remember that game next to the corpse of that final, smushed bloodsucker. Also that one time I wanted to see if putting my sister’s hamster in a microwave would dry it.
Thinking about it, maybe I should have started this chapter with that story...
* GTA’s answer to New York, if the question was “how can we possibly make a city more depressing than New York?”
** I’m very aware it’s one of the highest rated games of all time but that was mostly down to Liberty City’s detail which, for the time, was above and beyond anything seen before. Also, almost every site that praised it has now disowned it in the inevitable “Most overrated games of all time” list. Still, Metal Gear Solid 4 needs some company.
Comments
Going back to re-read this after seeing the excerpt from the final book. I love it. Beautifully written and I can't wait for the full thing
2018-06-06 21:16:00 +0000 UTCI found it really funny, I can imagine my mum reading it to me in her voice and when you got to the bit about the hamster and laughed for a good five-ten seconds
Ryan Casey
2018-04-13 19:54:09 +0000 UTCThat's some solid writing there. A good anecdote to draw in the reader, a clear thesis, an example to support the thesis, and a solid conclusion.
MrGhosta5
2018-03-31 00:28:42 +0000 UTCwhen i was a kid around 8-10 years old, playing R rated games was like drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes at 13 (something I have always looked back on in a "what the fuck was I thinking" kind of way) I had a friend who's parent cared so little about what he did, they just bought him any R rated game to shut him up, so when GTAIV came out he was the first kid my age to get it in my friend group, we all went over to his house, played it for 2 hours and got so bored, we went back to fifa (I was 10, didn't know what was cool yet) what I'm trying to get at is that Rockstar made a game so bad, that it would not interest a 10 year old kid who loved to play R rated games, that is how fundamentally flawed that game was.
2018-03-30 15:15:39 +0000 UTCCool beans!
2018-03-16 17:25:28 +0000 UTCNice bro !support
2018-03-12 17:22:32 +0000 UTCWill you be making an audio book version later in the year
2018-03-12 16:30:01 +0000 UTCJust wanted to applaud the editing of the latest Week of Dad³ video - the drone footage part was perfect.
2018-03-11 21:42:45 +0000 UTCOh and if you've read this, you should really get the Deluxe Audio Strap for your HTC VIVE, it's so much better. More comfortable and easier to use than just the regular ol' vive strap.
The person reading this is sexy and epic
2018-03-11 11:00:15 +0000 UTCJust watched your hospital video (loved the intro btw) and I wanted to say that the fact that Jay has so much strength that he is still able to spread joy in the face of adversity, it's quite inspiring.
The person reading this is sexy and epic
2018-03-11 10:04:30 +0000 UTCThis was great fun to read and I normally dislike reading.
Kloovt
2018-03-10 09:23:35 +0000 UTCPretty sure Dan would never want to live in the US!
D&D Lemur
2018-03-08 20:13:37 +0000 UTCI was just wonderin, do you live in the US or the UK? (watched a "Soup with Nerd3" episode from 2015 and you mentioned you were voting by proxy, so just wondering)
The person reading this is sexy and epic
2018-03-08 19:39:42 +0000 UTCIt wasn't so bad. I can see why you chucked it, though. Kinda feels like the (reasonable) message you were trying to deliver ended up a bit all over the place.
Felice Enellen
2018-03-08 19:19:33 +0000 UTCOk, I need to preorder at least 3 copies.... one for reading, one for a friend, and one to keep in mint condition.
Anna Leigh Wilson
2018-03-08 17:30:09 +0000 UTCIf that is an example of one of the bits you have chucked out for not measuring up, then I am looking forwards even more to reading your book Dan! ;-)
Baz Poulton
2018-03-06 18:24:15 +0000 UTCIs most of the book like this with various games? I like the idea. PS: it was a pleasure to guest star in the Payday 2 Heist videos this weekend ;)
2018-03-06 05:44:30 +0000 UTCSo um can this be like a monthly thing please.
Alex Bonilla
2018-03-06 02:49:41 +0000 UTCIf this is a removed chapter I can't wait to see what actual ones are gonna be like
2018-03-06 00:33:30 +0000 UTCyes yes yes more book
Stellar Star
2018-03-05 21:50:51 +0000 UTCWell, that was a nice read. I liked the anecdote about the bloodsuckers.
Sandwich247
2018-03-05 21:22:23 +0000 UTCThis is great, but... Did you really microwave your sister's hamster? That was probably sarcasm. Never mind.
1v1 Me, No Items, Fox only, Final Destination
2018-03-05 20:46:48 +0000 UTCehhhh i hate reading... wana make it an audio book... read by you! :P
2018-03-05 20:43:51 +0000 UTCI used to call them bloodsuckers too, and went through the very same guilt in later life for senselessly killing them as a child. Anyway if this is what was taken out I cannot wait to read what was left in even more now! Superb work Dan
Conor Moran
2018-03-05 20:43:29 +0000 UTCWhere and when can I Pre-order this?
MJ
2018-03-05 19:03:24 +0000 UTCFucking hell...so much for my cheer then...thanks dan
UpIsNotMemed
2018-03-05 18:50:26 +0000 UTCThis chapter feels like it would be from a book called "Terrible Recent Games You've Definitely Heard Of". I'm glad you're taking a positive vibe with it, we already have Ashens to point out disappointing games humorously. Best of luck to you, Dan!
Arcade Cat
2018-03-05 17:42:17 +0000 UTCA more positive tone sounds good, there's enough bleakness in the world already, isn't there? But I enjoyed reading this, and I like the amount of humour. I've been struggling to get through attack of the flickering skeletons to be honest, but this feels like it'll be breezier.
Christian Fry
2018-03-05 17:24:33 +0000 UTCHey Dan, are you planning on releasing your book as an audio book? I think it would work rather nicely if you read it aloud. Absolutely love your content btw. you're the only youtuber I've been following for years now and that I haven't got bored of over time. Keep up the good work!
Jonas Wahlen
2018-03-05 16:47:48 +0000 UTCYou barstard! After Reading i want to read The hole book even more! *~*
Niklas Jensen
2018-03-05 16:45:38 +0000 UTCafter reading, i cannot wait until this book is published. holy hell.
2018-03-05 16:40:35 +0000 UTCI'm glad you decided to go in a more positive direction with the book, that's been the theme of your last year and it's a good one that we all need. That said, for an only vaguely edited draft, this is in good shape. I can't wait to see how the bits you decided *do* make a good book turn out. And I think I've said this before, but do let an actual editor have at it before you think you're ready for one, because I know the feeling of never feeling quite ready, and also the happy feeling of them saying "let's get this thing moving."
Diane Frank
2018-03-05 16:31:26 +0000 UTCWith English being my second language, I don't read a lot of books in that language, but this is so easy and fun to read. I really love your choice of words, especially in the first few paragraphs. Can't wait to read the book when it comes out. Keep up the good work!
Filip 'PhilTheDead' Kwasniewski
2018-03-05 16:17:15 +0000 UTCI can hear dan in him writing about blood suckers but I can’t listen to him. Like I can here him going off on one but I can’t listen to his voice while he’s off on one.
Valthexus
2018-03-05 16:16:06 +0000 UTCIf this is a scrapped chapter, I can't even imagine how amazing the ones you're keeping are going to be.
Angus Noble
2018-03-05 16:13:53 +0000 UTCThis is great but I get that it might not fit the tone you're going for. Just makes me more excited for what you feel deserves to stay.
Eli Brand
2018-03-05 15:53:53 +0000 UTCI will happily buy the book when it's released Dan. I would suggest Unbound, they seem to be one of the few publishers interested in gaming/slightly unusual books. I bought both of Mr Ashens offerings through them and was very happy :-)
Mark Caswell
2018-03-05 15:50:14 +0000 UTCAfter reading this, i really can’t wait for the real deal 😂 stop teasing us dan!
Wayne Chan
2018-03-05 15:46:40 +0000 UTCIf this is a discarded chapter, i literally cannot wait to read the real thing
2018-03-05 15:29:27 +0000 UTCIf this was cut i can't wait to see what is in the full book
BMK1571
2018-03-05 15:28:49 +0000 UTCI was intending to buy this book in order to support you in your writing. I am now intending to buy this book because I was annoyed that I had to stop reading when this extract ended. Excellent work; carry on.
Well Read Nomad
2018-03-05 15:25:57 +0000 UTCMore scraped chapters please.
Tim Wiles
2018-03-05 15:11:55 +0000 UTCI cannot wait for this book to come out, if this is what has been removed i am excited to see what has been kept in. Will definitely be picking it up as soon as it becomes available
Bradley Morgan
2018-03-05 15:06:06 +0000 UTCThis is so fucking good. I haven't been this hyped for a book in years. Can't wait to see what the better/improved chapters look like.
J Singh
2018-03-05 15:05:36 +0000 UTCReading gives me high expectations for the final book. Altaugh you cut it, your piece has a very nice flow to it and injects humerous anecdotes at the adequate spots, to spicen it up. Keep up the good work, Dan!
2018-03-05 15:04:48 +0000 UTCLoved this. Can't wait for the final book and the amazingly spectacular [REDACTED] project we're all looking forward to. Keep up the good work and 7 when the book comes out it'll be the first non-audio book I buy since the last Harry Potter book came out, (shit i must have been 12 then... fuck, 11 years are quick...) Ps. Mostly looking forward to your detailed thoughts on the Souls series (and Salty Sancho), especially Bloodborne. I think I giggled in excitement for a Bloodborne video for 2 straight minutes in that one N3 completes JC3 video where you mentioned you played Bloodborne in your sick leave. PPS. Nerdcubed Completes Bloodborne?
2018-03-05 15:03:51 +0000 UTCI understand why this was dropped for being a bit too depressing, but besides that the entire thing is great. The little jokes mixed with research and information work amazingly. Like a jay foreman video. Can’t wait for the finished book. But really I need this...
Alex Harrison
2018-03-05 15:03:38 +0000 UTCI definitely see why this was cut in the final draft, but this definitely makes me excited for the book! Feel free to drop any other deleted chapters here, if you want
Jacob
2018-03-05 14:58:36 +0000 UTCI think I'll really like this book. It's about games but it has a lot of Dan in it. Now please SORT OUT A BOOK TOUR AND COME TO LIVERPOOL. MATT IS ALREADY HERE
Captain_Cone
2018-03-05 14:57:58 +0000 UTCSomehow you managed to make me laugh seconds after reading about hamstercide. At the very least you’ve got the comedy element down 😄 that was also a good read, so if that’s what’s cut, I’ll look forward to what isn’t 😊
Andyface
2018-03-05 14:57:52 +0000 UTCI'm gonna buy at least 5 copies of this book, I need it in my life!
Zion Aitken
2018-03-05 14:57:40 +0000 UTCIf this is what's been cut out, I can't wait to see the finished book.
2018-03-05 14:56:46 +0000 UTCAlthough I still to this do shout "HELLO COUSIN" in a generic Eastern European accent when my best friend calls me. Swings and roundabouts.
2018-03-05 14:55:34 +0000 UTCI had never thought of the game this way, I think I got so sucked into the all consuming breadth of it that I never stopped to think if I was having fun. Thanks for ruining that childhood memory Dan.
2018-03-05 14:55:02 +0000 UTCWhere do I pre-order?
2018-03-05 14:54:16 +0000 UTCReading this chapter only excites me more to see the rest of the book, even if this bit is overwhelmingly negative. I love the style, it reads almost like a clarkson car review and I love that
2018-03-05 14:53:13 +0000 UTCI agree with everything you've said, however that includes the bit about this being far too bleak 😂
Sophie Wyllie
2018-03-05 14:52:31 +0000 UTCI see you're using the George RR Martin style of release dates: "I don't know, it'll be ready when it's ready!" Also the swing set glitch likely took up most of my playtime too
Narmatonia
2018-03-05 14:50:07 +0000 UTCDid you get this idea from what I tweeted at you or did we have the same idea?
2018-03-05 14:46:47 +0000 UTCHey patrons! What are you all up to?
Rachel Wolfe
2018-03-05 14:46:19 +0000 UTC
