Retro Review- Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: TheToy Maker (Nov. 1, 1991)

(I thought this would be a good cl-ass-sick review for tonight. It has a lil’ something to do with our “Joe Bob Ruins Christmas” special, too…though probably not what you’re thinking. 😉 Back in a bit with a new/old Drive-In Theater ep for ya, too! ❤️)

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker: Nov. 1, 1991

    I just got back from Vegas, where we did my fifth-anniversary show for cable (we won't dwell on how pitiful THAT is), and I hadn't been there in a while and so I didn't realize how the whole city has become one big Disney World Epcot Universal Tour Ripley's Believe It or Not Snake Farm and Wheelchair Museum. I'm always the last to discover a trend, so you already know this:

    Vegas wants us to think of it as "a family entertainment center."

    Don't we already HAVE enough "family entertainment centers" where Norm and Marge can drive the Suburban to dump their kids in a log flume? Can't we try to keep the one truly sleazy place in America? (Actually, there are two sleazy places, but Atlantic City is so far beyond sleazy it's more like a clinical disease.)

    Anyhow, there's all these new hotels, like the Mirage and the Excelsior and the "all new" Circus Circus, which was the ORIGINAL hotel for families with screaming carpet monsters who wanna rub pizza juice on Mom's dress while Mom says, "Look at the nice clown and the trapeze woman wearing dental floss around her waist? Isn't she PRETTY?" And all these new hotels have "family entertainment" attractions, like wild animals, dolphins, circus acts, kiddie buffets, to try to get the R.V. crowd to stay there. Which would be fine with me, except for one thing:

    You ever try to play blackjack sitting next to a woman named Florence from Akron? It's not that they just wanna talk. People SHOULD talk at blackjack tables. It's that they all wanna talk about BLACKJACK.

    "You didn't double-down on that nine, did you?" this woman said to me one day at the Mirage.

    And what do I say? I say "Oh, yeah, how STUPID of me. Thanks for noticing."

    And what am I THINKING?

    I'm thinking, "You ignorant dairy cow, you never double-down on nine unless the dealer shows a low card."

    How come I can never bring myself to say stuff like this – except to people I love?

    But even if this woman had given me the RIGHT advice, I wouldn't care. What's really amazing about the potato-farmer crowd that's pouring into Vegas is that everybody has these blackjack SYSTEMS. They're not just sticking quarters in the slot machine. They're up in their hotel rooms with a calculator, practicing how to beat the four-deck dealer's shoe.

    Lemme save yall a lot of time. Here's all you have to know about blackjack in Vegas:

Numero Uno: There are about six guys in the WORLD who can win at blackjack in Vegas. Five of them are banned from every casino in town. The sixth one spends every waking hour practicing blackjack.

Numero Two-o: If you can memorize twenty random four-digit numbers, like "8,974" and "3,244," in about thirty seconds, and then keep ALL TWENTY in your head for a half hour, ready to recall them at any moment, then you have the BARE MINIMUM memory needed to count cards and bet properly.

Numero Three-o: If you become any good at the game, then you'll eventually start playing at the smaller casinos that advertise "one-deck blackjack" and "double odds," because you THINK you can make more money there. All these places deal blackjack by hand. There's a reason they do that.

Numero Four-o: Never split fours, fives, sixes or nines.

Numero Five-o: ALWAYS drink the complimentary cocktail. You won't play any better, but you'll THINK you do.

    Speaking of American institutions that just won't go away, Mickey Rooney is starting to turn up in drive-in movies left and right, and one of his best ones is Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker, latest in the series of movies that ruined Christmas for children everywhere. If you remember, the first two Silent Night, Deadly Nights starred an ax murderer dressed up like Santa Claus. I have no idea what happened in Three or Four, because I'm not even sure they exist. Kinda like the Howling movies – all of a sudden they're making the eighth one, and everybody is going, "It's a joke, right?"

    But Mickey, if you haven't seen him lately, looks like he's slowly MELTING with each passing year. And I think he's been wearing the same dirty sweatshirt in his last three flicks. But anyhow, he plays the kindly old toymaker Joe Petto (get it?) who builds himself an android robot one day to be his son. Meanwhile, somebody is sending mysterious Christmas gifts to the home of Derek, an eight-year-old kid who's a little skeptical about the holiday season ever since he saw his daddy's face chewed off by a musical Santa. Various toys keep coming to life, like zombie merchandise at Target, and killing various members of the cast--until the big final showdown between Mama, Derek's REAL dad, and a killer maniac robot named Pino.

    It's kind of a Child's Play ripoff, combined with Puppet Master, Pinocchio and A Stranger Is Watching. I loved it.

    Six dead bodies. Two breasts. One crash-and-burn. Fire poker through the gizzards. Eyeball-sucking caterpillar. Rubber-snake strangling. Multiple aardvarking. Killer roller blades. Body slicing. Great killer-toy Puppet Master effects. Brutal fistfight. Head rolls. Toys R Us Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Mickey Rooney, for screaming "I oughta break you in half!" at his toy; Tracy Fraim, as the Santa who's following Derek around, for giving his landlord a toy and saying "It's to die for"; Jane Higginson, as Mom, for rooting around in the back of a station wagon and saying "Don't lie to me, Joe, I saw him!"; Brian Bremer, as the maniac android, for saying "I had to be sure he didn't hurt me anymore" and "You don't need Derek! I can be your son now!"; and William Thorne, as the kid, for saying "Don't be afraid – it's only a toy, Mommy."

Three stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

    Victory Over Communism! The Hathaways Drive-In Theatre on Route 67 in North Hoosick, N.Y., has been saved because Karl and Elizabeth Pingree, who know nothing about the movie business, have bought it and are reviving the great 60-by-30 screen and using the old grass parking embankments, instead of gravel or asphalt. It has a 320-car capacity, picnic areas, great movie murals in the concession stand--and it's doing business. Elizabeth, who's a nurse, and Karl, who's an airline employee, say they're doing it because the Hathaways is "a recreational asset to the community." Dave Casey, a native of North Hoosick now living in Copper Canyon, Tex., reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die.