Sunday Funday! (And Full Review of Hard Ticket to Hawaii)

I thought I was gonna be posting your Friday Fun from Firefly Fest this week, but that didn’t exactly work out the way I’d planned. 😉 So I got him to make y’all a lil Sunday Funday vid instead.

Here’s his review for Hard Ticket to Hawaii for you, too. He decided not to let me post the vid I took of him reading it during the watchalong, but this is the next best thing. ❤️

June 14, 1987 — Hard Ticket to Hawaii

I been hangin around with the cast of "Dallas” for about a month now, pickin up pointers, sellin access to Linda Gray’s trailer for a dollar a minute, and kung-fuing all the Japanese tourists that hang around Southfork going “Yay R! Yay R! Velly too much money!"

Anyhow, the bottom line is — I got what I wanted. Remember, you read it here first. I got all the plots of “Dallas” for next season.

In September, Miss Ellie gets AIDS but refuses to accept Dr. Cadwallader’s diagnosis. When her skin starts falling off, she insists it must have been the toilet seat at the Daughters of the Alamo headquarters, so J.R. vows he’ll have all the restrooms in downtown Dallas doused with sulphuric acid. Bobby finds out J.R. has been stealing sulphuric acid from Cliff Barnes for years and demands an explanation. J.R. admits having a three-year affair with Babs Brompton, heir to the Brompton sulphur empire in Wichita Falls, but shouts “I'd sleep with anybody for my mama!" Ray Krebs discovers he left a vat of sheep dip unattended in Section 40, and that one night, during an Alzheimer's “blackout,” Miss Ellie dreamed she was a rambouillet ram and plunged into the murky depths. The disease is rediagnosed as hoof-and-mouth brucellosis and treatments are begun. As Miss Ellie improves. Sue Ellen drinks herself into a stupor over Babs Brompton.

In October, J.R. decides to buy Bennington, Vt., with the family’s money, even though Clayton Farlow hates the taste of syrup and J.R. knows it. When the two men meet one night in the bunkhouse, J.R. beats his stepfather to a mushy pulp and calls him a “filthy pile of goat-cheese dressing.” Clayton is rushed to Dallas Memorial Hospital, where a CAT scan reveals part of his brain to be permanently mashed into the shape of Nova Scotia. Sue Ellen drinks herself into a stupor over Clayton’s brain. Bobby starts having uncontrollable nightmares about sex with his mother, but Miss Ellie is understanding. She tells him about the nightmares she once had about sex with HER mother. J.R. visits Jock’s grave to ask him what to do Jock savs, “I’m dead, I don’t care.” J.R. weeps.

At the annual Oil Baron's Ball, J.R. seduces Fran Svenson, the 48-year-old Swedish secretary of his best friend, Stretch Carmichael, but discovers he's impotent while spread-eagled across a Coke machine in the maintenance room of the Ewing Building. In a rage, J R. cancels his Coke contract and signs with Pepsi, infuriating Bobby, who just completed a deal to assign exclusive Coke vending rights to Cliff Barnes in order to settle the bad feelings over the time in 1879 when Digger Barnes’ daddy had his shins fractured by a crowbar owned by Jock Ewing’s daddy. Besides, Bobby had his eye on Fran himself. Sue Ellen drinks herself into a stupor over Fran, Stretch, Bobby, the fact you can’t get Diet Coke in the Ewing Building, and the terms of her Lonmar contract. Miss Ellie says, “J.R., as soon as I get up out of this bed. I'm gonna teach you a thing or two about baaa baaa baaa." J.R. books Miss Ellie into Fletcher Sanatorium in Fort Worth. Ray Krebs weeps.

Speaking of grown men makin obscene profits, Andy Sidaris called up a few weeks ago and said, “Joe Bob, I got a new one.”

“No, Andy, please, no, not another one already.”

Andy is the ABC sports director — winner of NINE Emmys — who likes to rent a camera once a year, tell 194 Playboy Playmates to take their clothes off, and embarrass the network. The last time he did this, the result was “Malibu Express,” the story of a Tom Selleck lookalike livin on a party barge with a whole lot of cleavage.

“It’s a sequel,” Andy said.

“Andy, you can’t have a sequel to a movie that don’t have a plot.”

“It’s a sequel, but it’s different. You know how all my movies have Playboy bunnies with big hooters in em?”

“Yeah.”

“And how I always blow up some helicopters and shoot up a lot of mean-lookin ethnic guys?”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t say there’s not enough action in an Andy Sidaris movie, can you?”

“Nope.”

“Well, we got something new this time.”

“Another Tom Selleck lookalike?”

“No, we got a Warren Beatty lookalike. But here’s the difference.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Roaming the island during the movie is an unrelenting, horrifying and deadly mutant snake.’’

“Mutant snake?”

“Unrelenting, horrifying and deadly mutant snake.”

“Andy, you’re trying to embarrass the network again, aren’t you? Roone isn’t gonna like it.’’

“You’re gonna love this one It’s MADE for Joe Bob. Remember — unrelenting, horrifying and deadly mutant snake.”

“Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is the name of it and it stars Ronn Moss as the Warren Beatty lookalike who goes over to Molokai island with four Playboy Playmates and fires off a bunch of bazookas and tries to escape the bite of a great rubber snake that makes a noise like an asthmatic groundhog. This may be the single greatest special effect since the giant rubber lizard in "The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms," but I know what you’re thinkin, and despite the dozens of bare bazoomas flopped onscreen for no reason, the snake does not bite any Playmate flesh.

Plot: Diamond smugglers try to kill, torture and maim Playboy Playmates who are undercover agents for the DEA, but most of the time the agents are under cover. Twenty-six breasts. Twelve dead bodies. One dead blow-up party doll. One dead commode-dwelling giant mutant snake. Killer attack Frisbee. Shortest motor vehicle chase in movie history. Gratuitous sumo wrestling. Kung Fu. Bazooka Fu. Jiggle Fu. Harpoon Fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations to Dona Speir, who has the two most enormous talents seen on the screen since Andy’s LAST movie; Hope Marie Carlton, for getting the Warren Beatty lookalike to say “I don’t want to control your life — all I want to do is suck the polish right off your toes”; Andy, for writing lines like “Let’s hit the Jacuzzi! I do my best thinking there!" and “Taryn, you have a ‘Malibu Express’ poster hanging over your bed!” and “One man's dream is another man’s lunch” and "NO, you took the WRONG snake; that snake was infected with deadly toxins by cancer-infested rats” and for putting himself in the movie in one scene so he can stare at a waitress’s chest and say “I’ll have a pair of coffee”; and Arlene Sidaris. the producer, for marrying Andy.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Communist Alert! Another one bites the dust — the Tigard Family Drive-In in Tigard, Ore., the one that opened in summer 1955 with James Cagney in “Run for Cover” and Ginger Rogers and Edward G. Robinson in “Tight Spot.” and where they offered free pony rides for years, and where the sign always said “Jesse Jones Keeps This Theatre. This Theatre Keeps Jesse Jones.” And then Jesse passed on. and so it was only a matter of time — till they ripped it down and put up an indoor bullstuff eight plex. Remember, without eternal vigilance, it can still happen here.

JOE BOB:

One of life's eternal questions is bothering me. Maybe you can help. How do deaf people wake up on time for work every morning?

MARK CORROTO,

Canfield, Ohio

DEAR MARK:

Your anxiety about deaf people reveals that you have a fear of your own handicap, which is an IQ of 27. Everbody knows the answer to your question: the Armpit Aromalarm.