DHP Episode 4 TRANSCRIPT

For those patrons who want it for whatever reason, here is a transcript of the latest episode:

Okay. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Dan Handful podcast. This is episode four. You might notice that I sound a little different, and that's because I'm recording this episode in my car doing a little experiment because I want to see if I can get better sound quality in here than in my room, which is where I normally record. And so it's kind of like I was I was telling my I was saying this earlier, it's kind of like having a portable podcast studio that I can use to get to Arby's.

It's a little hot. I will say that, it's June in L.A. and the Sun is kind of starting to peek out. It was cloudy this morning, but the car has already got to be 90 degrees at least. So. So I'm just going to try to be quick. And here I can open the windows because otherwise I might as well just record the podcast outside and, you know, there's birds and and I can't turn on the AC because that was that's way too loud.

I might as well just go inside. So I'm just going to sweat it out, I guess. Hopefully won't get too bad in here. Okay, so let's get started. First of all, there's an elephant in the room here that I just want to address right at the top. My behavior in episode three was deplorable and absolutely inexcusable. I listened to the episode again.

I could not believe what I was hearing. I was like, Who is this guy? What show is this? You know, I didn't even recognize myself. And there is no excuse, absolutely no excuse at all for the physical and verbal abuse that I perpetrated during the entire episode start to finish. Now, that being said, I'm not going to apologize, not because I don't think I did anything wrong.

I know I did, but because I believe as a society we need to normalize making mistakes. The expectation that we all have to be perfect is really what I think is actually responsible for most of the pain and suffering that occurs in our society. I know the reason I even behaved as poorly as I did last episode was because I felt that you all expected me to be perfect.

And that's not your fault. It's not anything you did wrong. I said an impossible standard for myself, you know, with how good most of my content is. And so your expectations are perfectly natural response to that. That being said, I think that apologizing for what I did would only reinforce the idea that being perfect is the standard you expect me to meet, and that's harmful.

Apologizing would sort of imply that I fell short of that expectation, which is an impossible expectation to begin with. So, yes, what I did was wrong, but people are allowed to make mistakes and be imperfect. And the sooner that we embrace that, the sooner that we can heal both as individuals and as a society, you know, these things begin in each of us individually and then reverberate outward into the collective.

So I would encourage all of you to start adapting this philosophy as well. I am proudly anti apology. If you do something wrong. Of course I acknowledge that, especially if someone confronts you about it. But making mistakes is nothing to be ashamed of. It's how we learn and grow and become better. It should be celebrated. So that's my challenge to all of you.

Take I'm sorry out of your vocabulary completely and replace it with your welcome. You're welcome. That I had that outburst last episode because I became better from it. I changed and I grew, and that ultimately benefits you. You know, changing for the better improves the lives of everyone else around you. You're doing them a favor by making mistakes and learning and growing from them.

So on that note, last week I made several videos, but there's one in particular I want to dive into because there was a lot of fallout from it, and I think that I should address it. So, you know, view counts on videos is not always an accurate assessment of what I like to call the videos. Cultural potency. And what I mean by that is sometimes I have a video that gets millions upon millions of views, but people forget about it almost as soon as they stop watching.

It goes one ear and out the other. And so sometimes on the other hand, I'll do a video that, you know, only maybe gets 1 million views or God forbid, under a million. But it has a significant cultural impact. It gets people talking and gets people reacting. Maybe it's a little controversial. It's potent. An example, this would be the video I made screaming in my car that I hated being a therapist.

This car right here, you know, I don't want to rehash any of that necessarily, but having said that, that's not my most viewed video. It did very well. But the view count itself doesn't even it doesn't even crack the top three, I don't think by far the video I've made that had the most impact, people reacted very strongly to it.

They shared it. It started a conversation. So I made a video last week about a technique that I was using for my partner because she has body image issues. A lot of people have issues around their bodies. It's a touchy subject. I was aware of that. And so in the video I explained my way of helping my partner deal with her own body issues was secretly replacing all of her Diet Coke with regular Coke and not telling her obviously, the implication being that I would eventually tell her that she's been drinking regular Coke the entire time, and she'd see that even though she was trying to avoid the sugar and the calories, it ultimately made no difference.

And that her aversions to these things were purely psychological. I posted this video, you know, not really thinking it was anything groundbreaking. I'm expecting it to have an initial run and then petered out after a day like most of them do. But to my surprise, this video probably got me the highest amount of death threats of any video I've ever made, mostly from Twitter.

A lot of people wanted to murder me over this video. And I thought, you know, I thought that was very unexpected. And then kind of the more I thought about it, I read through a lot of the responses and it suddenly made complete sense to me. I was like, Oh, wait a minute, people are jealous. That's where all this vitriol is coming from.

You know, body issues are touchy subject for almost everyone, and they're seeing me doing something about it for my partner. That's actually going to make a real impact. And they can't stand it. They can't stand that nobody's ever done something like that for them. Everything fell into place and I realized that, and once I did, I was able to forgive them because jealousy, remember, it's a powerful emotion.

It comes from insecurity. And it's one of the most difficult emotions to control because it's so overpowering. I always tell people, if somebody is behaving bizarrely towards you and you can't seem to rationally explain where they're coming from, it's probably because something about you makes them jealous and makes them confront their own insecurities about themselves. And it's okay, you're not doing anything wrong.

Those are their issues. They're upset with themselves. And this is another instance where the most appropriate response is probably, you're welcome. You know, you're welcome. I made that video because it helped you start to do the hard work of examining yourself and ultimately improving yourself. That's all I could hope for. When people are upset with me, I get so happy because they're on their way.

It's like, you know, when you get a cut and you pour sanitizer onto it, it hurts. Hurts like hell. But the pain means it's working. It's the first step towards healing. So that's kind of it. In terms of the personal crap. Yeah. Just a little update on the car situation. It's at least 100 degrees in here like I am.

It's only been like 10 minutes. I'm already pouring sweat like droplets. I don't know. I guess it could be worse because it's kind of like heating up incrementally. So I kind of have time to get adjusted to it, if that makes sense. Like, if I just like if I stepped in the car right now from outside, it would be very hot.

It would be kind of unbearably hot. But I but I had time to get used to it. And it's kind of like almost relaxing me in a way. It's like a feeling kind of similar to like I'm about to pass out. It's not that I just I'm just kind of like, I won't say I'm a losing awareness, but it's but, but it's like kind of dull in the edges a little bit, and it's making me kind of disassociate from what I'm doing.

Again, not in the sense that I can't focus on what I'm saying, but it's almost like I don't even know what I'm saying at all. Like I'm talking and time is passing and I know that, but I'm not fully like I keep being like, Oh my God, I'm talking, I'm recording a podcast and I'm in a car, you know what I mean?

So I so, so I'm just going to keep writing this wave as we move into the second portion of the podcast, which is your messages. So something I've noticed recently is that people tend to kind of treat my inboxes, sort of their own personal toilet or I guess like a mental landfill into which they can dump whatever garbage seems to be pouring from their minds at any given moment.

And because in almost every instance, the person messaging me doesn't view me as an actual person, they get to sort of have their cake and eat it too. They get to feel the satisfaction of somebody listening to what they have to say, but they don't have to deal with any of the personal ramifications of actually saying it to someone and getting their response.

So this is just a reminder. I do read these messages, and as much as that might be surprising to you, I am a person again, I can't completely fault you for not being totally cognizant of that 24 seven because I have represented myself as sort of a larger than life personality. The impression I know that I've given everyone is that I'm more in line with like I hate to say it like this, but I guess a deity or an omnipotent kind of being.

So I can't blame people for sending me things that any normal person won't find appalling. Oh, my birthday was last week, June 4th, and a lot of people did send me some very nice wishes for my birthday. So thank you for that, that the sentiment is nice. It did kind of end up clogging my inboxes with...

It was almost like I like spam at a certain point. And I don't mean that in a in a bad way. It just kind of was inconvenient, actually. A little annoying after a while, but your hearts are in the right place, so thank you. Another thing I would like to say is a while ago I kind of did a mass solicitation for people's problems.

I said, if you need advice, drop me a line, I'll see what I can do. And across the board, almost everyone problems were kind of boring. I mean, I hate to say it like that, but it was all pretty, honestly, It was all kind of dumb stuff. I mean, pretty much everybody was like, I'm sad all the time or I have a crush on this person.

I don't know what to do, you know? And then in most cases, my response is, how the hell am I supposed to know what you should do? You know what I mean? Like, I want you to. If you have the urge to ask for my advice, once you're done typing out your message, just read it back to yourself and see if there's only one logical answer to the problem that you just don't want to accept.

Because nine out of ten times, that's what's happening. You know what you have to do. You know what the solution is, but what you think you're looking for is quote unquote a solution. But what you're actually hoping for inside is that, you know, fairy godmother is going to let you off the hook and sort of manipulate the world around you to bend around any problem you have so you don't have to do anything about it.

Some people send me stuff and I'm just amazed, literally amazed at the lack of self-awareness. You'd need to have to expect anybody to ever read it. So we're going to do a little experiment today. I'm going to take your advice and I'm going to pop it word for word into something called chat GPT and chat GDP, if you're not familiar, is an A.I. chat bot that stands for Artificial Intelligence.

And we're going to see what the A.I. tells you to do and whether or not I agree with it. Kind of like a John Henry situation or a man versus machine sort of thing. And I have to confess, I use I a lot in my practice almost with every page, and I sort of feed lines. They tell me in session into chat CBT, and I see what it says.

A lot of times it has better ideas than me. You know, it kind of takes the words right out of my mouth. In a lot of situations. And this is great because again, like I've tried to emphasize many times, burnout is a huge problem with those of us who work in mental health. And as much as people hate to admit it, some clients are harder than others.

You know, that's just the truth. A run of the mill person with, say, generalized anxiety or depression, that's typically considered more grunt work. When I was first starting out, I worked at a college in the counseling department. We got flooded with people who, you know, kind of just had a pretty basic cocktail of anxiety and depression and a kind of clogged up all the arteries in there.

And they'd just shovel all that work on to me because I was like, I like the greenhorn working in the mailroom type deal. And then the people who had more tenure got the more interesting problems. You sort of sort of got to, like, do your time kind of shoveling the pig shit. And then you earn your way to the top.

So there's going to be fun. It's going to kind of take me back to the old days. Only back then I didn't have AI (so it was) a lot harder. So I'll start with someone named Clyde. They wrote in an email to say, Hi, I'm currently a volunteer firefighter. I like it and hate it. But after a year and a half, I feel like I'm done with all the bullshit, but I feel like I can't quit because I would be a quitting bitch that couldn't take it and did nothing good.

Vulgar language in this, by the way. So hopefully, you know, trigger warning, whatever, but okay. And a lot of people would be happy that I quit. How can I leave with pride and not give the pleasure to assholes so quite as important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness and any decision you make regarding your volunteer firefighting commitment.

Quitting a demanding and challenging role doesn't make you a quitting bitch or diminish the good that you've done during your time as a volunteer firefighter. Remember that taking care of yourself and recognizing your limits is a sign of strength, not weakness. And if you've reached a point where you feel like it's time to leave and move on, here are some suggestions for how to leave with pride.

Number one Reflect on your achievements. Take stock of all the positive contributions you've made during your time as a volunteer firefighter. Acknowledge the skills you've gained, the lives you've touched, and the impact that you've had on your community to communicate your decision, speak openly and honestly with your fellow firefighters. You know, so supervisors, any relevant individuals, express your gratitude for the opportunity to serve and explain your reason for wanting to step away.

Emphasize that this decision is about your personal growth and well-being. Next, you know, offer assistance during the transition. Show your commitment to a smooth transition by offering their support in any way possible. This may include helping with the recruitment and training of new volunteers are providing guidance to your replacement, whatever it may be. Stay connected. You know, even if you're leaving, the firefighting role doesn't have to mean that you cut ties completely, maintain relationships with your fellow firefighters, and continue supporting them in different ways, such as attending community events or participating in fundraisers or what have you.

Focus on your future. Shift your mindset to the opportunities that lie ahead. Channel your energy into exploring new entries and hobbies or career paths that align with your passions and bring you joy. Remember that your personal growth and happiness matter. Ignore no negativity. Some people may be pleased by your decision to leave, but their opinion shouldn't define your self-worth.

You know, surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your choices. Focus on the positive impact you've made, and don't let negativity overshadow your accomplishments. Ultimately leaving a volunteer firefighting role should be a decision made for your own well-being and happiness. You have the right to pursue new paths and take care of yourself, leaving with pride means acknowledging your contributions, expressing gratitude, and embracing the next chapter of your life with confidence and optimism.

Okay, so, literally, all of that was Chat GPT. I did not come up with a single word of that. But it's good, right? I mean, I couldn't literally going to say that any better myself. Took the words right out of my mouth. So we're on a roll here. Let's try another person and somebody maybe with a more personal dilemma.

So this person writes, I'm in a pretty toxic relationship that we both want, that we both cheat on each other, kind of know about it, but we try not to acknowledge it so we could keep having what we have. Comfort and sensuality. I recently confronted her about an affair she had and took the moral high road, even though what I was doing, even though I was doing the same thing at the time.

And this made things pretty weird. I actually. Oh, excuse me. I actually don't care about what she did and want all the comfort and fun back into our relationship with her feeling guilty and trying to make up for it. I'm sorry. I'm like, I'm getting really hot in here. So I'm kind of struggling to even, like, see the screen.

Okay, where was I? I also hate being a whiny partner who pretends to feel hurt, and that's the end of the message. So this one. God, it's just reminds me of the old days. You know, everybody's problems were always like this. Just insane interpersonal webs of nonsense. And trying to parse out everybody's individual nuances was exhausting. It's enough to make you, as a therapist, kind of want to blow your brains out.

I mean, it almost does. I hate to say this, but it almost does more harm to the therapist than the client was even experiencing to begin with. You know, it's kind of a net negative, some people when they go to therapy, which is a shame. Um, so having said all that, this is the perfect problem for a chat to solve.

Okay, so chat JPT says-- there's no point in trying to fool you anymore because you already know that that's what I'm doing. It's important to acknowledge that engaging in a toxic relationship and cheating on each other is not a healthy or sustainable foundation for a long term fulfilling partnership. While it's understandable that you might want to hold on to comfort and sensuality, it's crucial to prioritize your own emotional well-being and seek healthier dynamics in your relationship.

Reflect on your own behavior. Try open and honest communication. Seek couples therapy or counseling. Please don't. No I'm kidding. Establish boundaries and expectations. Focus on personal growth and consider a break or separation. So again, all pretty much perfect suggestions are exactly what I would say to a client. I died from the fact that obviously I wouldn't tell them to go to therapy because they're already in therapy.

But what I want you to take away from this is that chat can be a great resource for you, and it's much cheaper than going to a therapist, especially me. If there's one thing that I ain't, it's cheap. So that probably wraps it up for the advice segment for today. Let's shift focus now into a new segment I am calling... [music cue]

Wow. Am I even like, am I talking right now? Like, am I am I saying words in English? That make sense because I'm like, I can feel that my mouth is moving and I can feel like I'm like pushing something out of my throat through my mouth in a way that it would make sense that I was talking.

But I can't like, I can't feel the words being said. Does that make sense? Like it's. Okay, so one of the biggest stories of the week was Ted Kozinski, also known as the Unabomber, died is best known for mailing bombs to people, and he was an expert professor who targeted a lot of universities, which is why he's known as the Unabomber.

So what can we learn from the Unabomber? If you've ever read portions you know of a what do you call it, his manifesto, You probably can gather that he was no dummy. And he actually made a kind of a, you know, pretty decent amount of good points, um, if I can remember correctly. Okay. Um, I completely forgot what I was talking about.

Um, okay. Uh, yeah. And then.