The Dan Hentschel Podcast EPISODE 5 Transcript

Here is a transcript of Episode 5.

Hello everyone, and welcome to episode four (sic) of the Dan Hentschel podcast. I am so sorry for the delay in releasing this episode. I just feel like the world's biggest pile of dog shit. So much has happened since the last episode. I feel like a completely different person and I don’t even know where to begin. We finally cremated my ex yesterday, which was very sad, and I don't mean to say finally, like, Oh thank God we finally got it over with.

I didn't really know how specifically they kind of disposed of body is until this whole process. I mean, they literally took the body and just threw in the fire. But I'm very close to my ex's parents, so that's made this the whole process a lot easier. They are some of the nicest people I've ever met. They're so generous.

They truly put others before themselves in every sense of the word. I remember when I when I was first starting out, they were kind enough to lend me several hundred thousand dollars to start my own practice, and I don't know how I'll ever repay them for that. I mean, literally, I don't think I'll ever be able to repay them the money.

But luckily they're so understanding that I've never really felt like I had to. They don't blame me at all for what happened. Unlike some of the folks on the Internet, they are truly people who are made in the image of Christ. They're all about forgiveness, turning the other cheek, all that good stuff. And I just want to say right now, definitively, I did not have anything to do with the death of my ex.

That's the end of the story, you know, And it doesn't really matter whether you believe me or not, because in the eyes of the law, I was exonerated. The judge took one look at me and he said, Get the hell out of here. I know you didn't do a damn thing. So I guess it would have been Thursday, June 16th was kind of when it all started.

That was the day that I posted the video where I said that I was slowly putting salt in my partner's Britta filter so they'd become dehydrated and rely on me to take care of them. I had no idea when I was filming and posing this that that day my ex was experiencing nearly the exact same symptoms I described in the video.

I didn't know that. If I had known that I would have never made that video because I know how the internet is with nuance. That word is not in their vocabulary. I posted that video, I want to say around 2 p.m. and I work from home. You know, I'm a content creator, but my ex and I kind of the arrangement we had at the time was they would live with me and they were unemployed.

So I was paying all the bills with the money that I was bringing in from both my practice and content creation. And I have a strict no content, no contact policy--Could you imagine if I had no content policy as a content creator-- during the day because in my mind it's the same as if I went into an office.

You know, just because I'm at home doesn't mean I can take you to Chipotle or whatever. So while my phone records do show that my ex had texted me throughout the day about their condition, I didn't answer any of them because I was at work. And like I mentioned earlier, they're unemployed, so they don't get up until two in the afternoon anyway.

By then, my days are kind of already almost over. I mean, I get up at 430 in the morning every day. Bedtime for me is at 7 p.m. and after I'm in bed, they're all over town doing God knows what with whatever scum they happen to find littering our streets. So even if they had texted me that day that they weren't feeling well, that's kind of no different from any other day.

You know, they're out swiping my credit card on 20 Long Island iced teas every night. Honestly, it would be more unusual if they were feeling well. According to my phone records, my ex texted me once at 10 a.m. saying they weren't feeling very well. Another time at noon, five times at 1230. And then finally they told me they were going to the hospital around 130 in the afternoon.

Keep in mind, I didn't see any of this. When I'm at work, I turn my phone on Do not disturb mode. And I didn't realize this at the time, but when your phone is on do not disturb. If you get a text message, it doesn't even show up on the screen. Like not only does it completely silence the notification, it's almost like the notification itself completely vanishes.

You know, you only see the new message if you actually physically go in and open up your iMessage. So I had no clue any of these texts had even been sent to me until well after the end of my work day, which was at five. 5:00 I turned off Do Not Disturb and almost immediately got a call from an unknown number.

And I always pick up on numbers because, you know, I'm, I'm here in the entertainment industry here in Los Angeles. You never know who's going to be calling. I've got a lot of irons in the fire at any given moment. I'm kind of always expecting callbacks from a lot of people in pretty high places. So I answered right away.

It turns out it's the stupid hospital and I have several unpaid hospital bills that they have been harassing me about all hours of the day for years. So I hung up immediately when they said it was them. They called me again. Decline. Again, decline. Fourth time in a row, they call me and I answer just so I can tell them to shut the hell up and leave me alone.

This isn't Communist China. I'm not going to be harassed about my unpaid medical bills to the point where I spiral into a psychotic episode. So I scream at them for a good 90 seconds and then I run out of breath. And as I'm trying to catch my breath, they're like, "that's not why we're calling, Mr. Hentschel," I think they had to hand the phone off to somebody else because there was kind of like a pause and what sounded like crying.

And then a much deeper voice came on and said, Mr. Hentschel, that's not why we're calling. Apparently, I'm the emergency contact for my ex, which I never agree to do, by the way. And I feel like that's got to be illegal. But regardless, they said, we've been trying to reach you all day. Your partner is in the ICU.

We need you to get down here right away because it's not looking good. So, of course, at that point, I run right over. Of course, I immediately get in my car and I start filming and TikTok, and that was the TikTok I posted it in the front seat of my car on the afternoon of the 16th.

Now, I've gotten a lot of flack for almost every decision I've made that day, pretty much. But I want to address two things that people have really been getting on my ass about, especially number one, why did I make it TikTok to begin with and not just go to the hospital? A lot of people misunderstand what it means to be a content creator.

Being a content creator means that I am essentially the CEO and all of my employees at my own small business. It's like ten different jobs that I'm doing all on my own that all falls under me. I depend on my content creation for all of my income. So I had to announce what was going on because if I'm going to be spending hours and hours of precious productivity time at the stupid hospital with my partner, you know, that's like money getting sucked out of my pocket with a vacuum cleaner.

What if during that time I'm at the hospital, I would have otherwise thought of the next kombucha girl meme or whatever? Like, I have no idea what I could come up with at any given time. So I had to tell everybody what was going on and explain the reason for my absence. And yes, fine. Maybe there is a part of me that hoped possibly it would go viral because again, that's my entire business model.

And going to the hospital is not cheap. My partner doesn't have income. So if I were to go viral, start a go fund me and get some extra money, I don't know anybody that wouldn't take that opportunity if they had the option. And you're lying to yourself if you say that you wouldn't. The second thing I get flak for is deciding to go to McDonald's on the way to the hospital.

And I don't know what else to tell you about this. I was hungry and I didn't know how long I was going to be there at that stupid hospital. McDonald's had to honor their end of the bargain. I wouldn't even have to talk about this and nobody would have noticed. But unfortunately, maybe something already put this together. But it was grimace's birthday and McDonald's should be giving me five big ones for even saying that purple assholes name on the show.

But they're not. I just have to explain what happened. So I ended up having to wait on McDonald's for an hour and people are like, Well, why didn't you just leave the way that that McDonald's drive thru at the location I was, which was Highland Park. The way that that's situated is geographically, once you're in the line, you physically can't get out.

It's like you're in a bowl-- It's like you're a bowling ball going down the bowling alley. There's a curb on either side of you. That lane is the width of a car and you're stuck there, which is very unsafe. You have people in front and behind you in every direction. And I always thought every time I went to that drive thru, what am I going to do if I have an emergency in here?

You know, like, I'm going to just guess I'm just going to die in the drive thru. Knowing all of that information, why the hell is everybody siding with the Multitrillion Dollar Corporation in this situation over me? It wasn't my fault. Now, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse thing, I get a text from USPS that my custom printed t shirt I had ordered had been delivered on my front steps.

And I don't know if any of you have ever custom ordered a t shirt before, but it's not cheap. And now it's just sitting on my stoop. I live in a very bad neighborhood, so it literally might as well have been a text from Santa Clause saying that I just delivered your next Christmas present. So I had to go get that package.

It was stolen. I ran very quickly back to my house to at least bring it inside. And I got home I probably around 7 p.m. and I'd been sitting in my car for 2 hours, so I had to go to the bathroom. I mean, my partner supposedly unconscious. So honestly, I figured I was better off waiting with the hope that they'll eventually wake up before I get there.

So I kind of took my time. You know, I wasn't really in any rush. I tried on this shirt. I gathered a few things I thought I might need a book, my toothbrush, because I didn't know how long I was going to be at the stupid hospital, hop back in the car and I'm on my way. I get to the hospital around 9 p.m. and that's when I first meet the hospital staff.

And let me tell you, the staff at this hospital, I think the only reason they took that job is because they're all sociopaths with Munchausen by proxy syndrome, just a bunch of miserable pricks at that hospital. And the second I walk in there, they've already decided they don't like me for whatever reason. I've no idea why. I say to them, Where's my partner?

Can I see them? And they're like, Wow, since you're in not family, only family is allowed outside of visitation hours. And I'm like, Well, what do you mean? You called me and told me to come here, and they said, Well, normal visitation hours are over at six. This is outside visitation hours. And since you're not a relative, you can't go in.

I threw a big fit. I flipped over one of those carts with all the syringes and the receptionists had a bowl of little mints. I threw those right at her ugly face and I screamed, You assholes, my partner is going to die because of you. I said, I don't care what you say. I'm seeing the love of my life, whether you like it or not.

So I just start running and I open every single door trying to find the room that my partner is in. The hospital was like ten buildings, so I never found it. But I tried. Believe me, and I was crying the whole time. So it kind of clouded my vision on top of that I couldn't even see what I was looking at half the time.

So eventually I didn't find it and I just went home because it's like 2 a.m. at this point. And I'm like, Let me just try to get a few hours of sleep so I can come back tomorrow and I have enough energy to deal with these people in the next morning was when I made the second hospital update video.

Probably the most controversial decision that I made during this process was to break up with my partner while they were in the hospital. But you have to understand that for all I knew at this point, they weren't going to make it. And I'm a very emotional person. Whatever someone else is feeling, I essentially kind of completely absorb it and I feel it ten times as much myself.

So I literally felt like I was the one dying. And at the end of the day, I got to look out for myself. I couldn't take it anymore. It was just too painful. So, yeah, I'm, you know, I called up the hospital and I asked them to just try to put aside their Third Reich bureaucracy for 5 seconds.

And do me a favor. Tell my partner I'm done. You know I can't do this anymore. It had been the worst 24 hours of my life. I thought I was thinking at the time, and I was just sitting there in my car praying to whoever would listen out. Me, I cried for like 90 minutes. And then during that time, the sun came out.

It had been cloudy all morning, but almost like literally an answer to my prayers, the sun came out and it became a beautiful day. So I went to the beach and no, I'm not going to defend myself for that decision because I don't have to. I was stressed and I was grieving. So I enjoyed my day because as I explained in my text post about this, California doesn't have very many nice beach days in June, so you've got to enjoy them when they do come.

You know, you got to drop everything and kind of make the most out of it. Plus, need I remind you at this point, my partner and I were not dating anymore. I had no more of an obligation to this person than some rando on the street. I mean, it sounds cruel, but I had to put myself first. It's called self-care.

At the end of the day, you have to put yourself first. So I block the hospital's number. I block my partner on all my socials, and I went on vacation. I spent the rest of the weekend in Mexico sitting by the pool, tanning my buns. And I got to be honest with you, I kind of forgot about the whole thing.

You know, I had a great weekend. I got some very much deserved R&R. Finally, I land back in LAX  Security's like you know, do you mind if we ask you a couple of questions about your partner? And at first, I'm like, who? You know, it took me a second even to remember the whole thing had happened in the first place. 

Turns out who else was responsible but the degenerates who work at that hospital. And I'm coming off a little strong. I feel for them. You know, I-- I really do. When your life sucks as much as theirs does, you'll do anything to distract yourself from the fact that there's really no reason for you to be alive at all.

So I can imagine how they must have felt when a guy like me, Mr. Hollywood big shot walks in and kind of just by the fact that I exist in the first place, that sort of rubs their nose in the fact that they're all failures with no talent. So like anybody does when they're insecure, they tried to tear me down and they tried to play detective and get the police involved because apparently my partner symptoms were slightly similar to sodium poisoning.

And doctors are overworked. They work long hours, they're understaffed. So I guess they thought they could kind of just phone this one in. I get it. You know, I've been there. So I was brought into the police station and there are a couple of questions. That was it. I happened to be wearing an orange shirt that day that made it look like I was in a prison jumpsuit.

That was not a mug shot. A couple of people at the station were fans of my content, and they wanted to get a photo of me. And we very quickly wrapped the whole thing up. And that was the end of that. You know, the clickbait brigade news media didn't see it that way. They blew it way out of proportion because they need content, they need clicks, they need eyeballs.

But in real life, where I happen to live, all the charges were dropped and we figured the whole thing out. And that's the story. I'm very happily dating my new partner and I'm in a much better place than I ever was in that relationship. And very, very few people have even been happy for me at all, given what I've gone through, and I do appreciate those people.

So hopefully we can finally put this to bed. I don't want to see any comments about it. I don't want to have to be getting triggered by this every single time I post a video about anything.

(Gong)

So for the next segment of this episode, I asked you on Patreon the other day to ask me some questions and I'm going to answer them.

So I probably don't have time to get to all of them right now, but I'll answer or I'll try to answer as many as I can and then the rest of them I'll do next time. So the first question is from Ryan. They asked thoughts on your partner naming their car. Is that a red flag? Thank you for the question, Ryan.

I have actually known many people who have named their cars and each one of those people ruined my life in some way or another. So I would say, yes, that's a red flag. And in my mind, so is having a funny bumper sticker. Cars are very dangerous and they're not an open mic for you to try out your stand up material.

They should be treated with the appropriate gravitas. Imagine you're backing out of your driveway and you run over a kid, you know, in the neighborhood on their little scooter and they're splattered guts are all over the sidewalk. And the whole time you've got a bumper sticker that says, I break for Milfs, you know, so so maybe think about that next time you want to get a bumper sticker.

The next question is from Nathan. Nathan asks, How's your grandpa doing? So if you've been a fan since this time last year, you may or may not know that there was a very long, drawn out incident involving my grandparents. Long story short, I killed them both and I don't feel bad about it. I don't have time to get into it right now.

But trust me, if you knew the whole story, you'd agree that I did the right thing. Next question is from Easy 919. Are you circumcised? The answer to that is yes. Okay. Next question from Dana. Do you have any friends? Fuck you. You're not my friend for sure. Next question is from Avery, who I love. Avery asks, Who is your biggest inspiration?

I would probably have to say that my biggest inspiration is Dr. Phil. He's a real hero of mine. I love his ability to combine practicing medicine with entertainment. It's kind of a match made in heaven, that combination. So he's kind of the gold standard for me. Next question from Meghan Martino. Meghan asks, Does your hat fit differently now that you shaved your head?

It sure does. Actually, my hat fits much better. I think it's very difficult for me to wear hats for whatever reason when I have hair. Somebody also recently accurately guessed in the comments that I was a C-section baby. Based on the shape of my skull, which was incredibly disturbing. Hopefully that wasn't anybody who's in here. Next question is from Monkey Swim.

Do you anticipate certain comments on your videos and have a reply ready for them? In general, I try not to comment on my own videos as much as possible. The only time that I will do so is if I think that commenting will add something valuable or complete the picture somehow. Or if there's a big question that I know probably everybody is going to have and I want to address it right away.

I will say that with a lot of videos, it's I think it's always kind of interesting how when a video goes viral, everybody kind of comments the same thing. Like, there will be thousands of comments that say literally exactly the same thing. And I guess because with some videos, there's a clear reaction that anybody would have. And that's kind of what makes it accessible to a large audience.

So I've always kind of found that interesting. Next question from Julie McPherson. When/how do your best/funniest ideas come to you? It really depends. The best ideas that I've had kind of usually just popped right into my head randomly at any given time of day. A lot of times I'll wake up and I'll say, okay, like, what am I going to make a video about today?

And I'll just kind of pace around until I get an idea that I like. But with most successful videos, those concepts, it always feels like I'm not even really thinking of them honestly. They kind of just come in externally from the ether, which is also why a lot of times I'm really paranoid that I'm that I'm just like remembering an idea somebody else already had that I saw somewhere, and I'm just subconsciously copying them.

Like I made a video once where I said, Here's how to get out of any phone call. And then I played the sound of a car accident in the phone speaker. That was one where it almost kind of felt too good to be true. Like it really felt like that was a joke from another show that I was just remembering rather than coming up with.

And usually, if that's the case, people are pretty quick to bring that up in the comments. Nobody said anything about that video, so hopefully that was actually original. Keep an eye out inner circle members for some of that deleted video kind of because a lot of times that's the big reason I'll delete something is because it turns out to be too similar to a joke.

Somebody else already made somewhere else. Next question is from Ali. They ask if you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? This one is very easy. It would be the combo kabab platter from Zankou Chicken with chicken and shish kabobs, two sides of basmati rice and one side of hummus. And on that note, I'm getting very hungry.

So it's time for dinner. Thank you all for listening to this episode, and I'll be back very soon. Thanks again so much, everybody, for subscribing to the Patreon. And of course, I mean, I don't even know how to tell you how much that means to me. So I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July. Bye bye.