SG Vol. 1 pt. 25

At least she got something with caramel. I fucking love caramel.

“You seriously brought me just junk? There’s already a problem with weight in the military from all the draftees. They shouldn’t even have this shit on-base,” I tell Clover as I take bites from the chocolate bar whenever she’s not looking.

Clover says, “Sorry! I – the healthy snacks in the vending machines aren’t very good. It was either this or sugar-free gummy bears, and I didn’t think anybody would want sugar-free—"

“Never get the sugar-free gummy bears.”

“E-eh?”

“Trust me, Clover. Never. Get. The. Sugar-free. Gummy bears. This is not a laughing matter.”

Clover looks like she wants to laugh. “What’s wrong with them?”

“Do you really want to fucking know, Clover? Do you really want to know what the fuck is wrong with those abominations?”

She looks even closer to laughing now as she nods her head and bites her lower lip.

“Alright, Clover. Let me tell you about the fucking worst possible piece-of-shit ‘snack’ to ever grace this beautiful planet of ours. It doesn’t matter whether you eat one of those little bastards or if you eat a pound of them. They will fuck you up. If you’re not religious, you will be once you’re in the bathroom. Because, just a couple of hours after you eat them, you’re going to be stuck in the fetal position on the bathroom floor for the next day. You’re going to feel cramped like your internal organs are trying to compress themselves into forming a black hole inside of your stomach, you’re going to go deaf in one ear from the world-shattering fucking sharts, and you are going to be praying for mercy and wondering what the fuck you did to deserve any of this. You won’t get an answer. You’re just going to cry, shit, and wish for death. I would rather go up against a Forager-class with a dull butter knife than ever, ever eat a single fucking one of those deceptive little bastards again. I wouldn’t be surprised if the fucking demons are the ones behind them. Whatever the case is, they are unholy, they will make you wish for death, and fucking Zane somehow gets his hands on every request to banish their existence from this base – from this fucking island, no, from this fucking planet, and the bastards never disappear.”

I take a swig of chocolate milk before continuing. “Do you understand now, Clover? Do you understand the gastrointestinal trauma that is waiting for anybody who eats those Hell-forged. Got any white clothes, Clover? They won’t be white anymore. They will never be white again.”

Clover, with her hands over her mouth, bursts into loud, uncontrollable laughter.

I have to reach over to her and hold her by her shoulders so that she doesn’t fall out of her chair just from how hard she’s laughing.

It’s nice knowing that I’ve still got it. It’s also nice knowing that Clover passes the test for being able to handle my sense of humor. She might not be so bad after all.

“What? You think that’s funny? You laughing at my suffering?” I question her, making her laugh even more as she tries shaking her head.

“Wh-why – how did you eat it – when – why did you eat it in the first place?” Clover asks between giggles and wheezing breaths.

“Took Naomi trick-or-treating. Some bastard gave her those, I decided to test them first, then threw them out since they tasted gross. Got her some real gummy bears to make up for that bastard after I was done painting the bathroom. Then I saw the same brand of shit in the vending machine next time I looked.”

“That’s – oh my, oh my gosh, that was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard,” Clover says, letting one of her hands brush against my thigh as she’s still bent over and laughing.

I remember Kate doing the same thing back when she used to try flirting.

“Now you know not to ever eat them,” I tell Clover, pulling away from her. “Only give them to any bastards who really piss you off. It’s a torture worse than what any man can do.”

Clover, with one hand on her chest now and her other hand wiping away her tears, looks at me with those happy eyes of hers and says, “I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

“Haah? What’re you talking about? Why would I hate you?”

“A-ah! I just – I just mean… I was worried you didn’t like me, or that I was bothering you.”

Stupid, but honest.

I lean over and flick her forehead.

“Don’t worry about stupid things like that. If I disliked you then I’d tell you to fuck off and pretend you don’t even exist,” I explain to her.

She parts her lips to say something but stops herself when her stomach grumbles. Her hands hold her stomach as she looks down with reddened cheeks.

I’m surprised she’s not heavier with how she seems to always be hungry whenever I’m around here.

“Here,” I say, handing the bags of chips back over to her.

Clover says, “But I brought these for you! I already had—"

“Take the damn chips. The chocolate was enough for me.”

With a whimper, she takes the bags of chips and—

Why are the cadets laughing?

I turn around to look at the screens and… notice that the bottom of the chocolate milk bottle is just barely holding down the button to activate my mic.

I set that bottle down back when Clover first handed it to me.

Those. Brats. Heard. Everything.

“La-Lance? Are you alright?” Clover asks.

I take the bottle of chocolate milk off of the button, chug it down in a single go, and toss it into the trashcan nearby.

Those maggots might think I’ve already put them through Hell before.

They are going to learn what real Hell is now.

“I’ve got to get back to training these maggots,” I tell Clover.

“Ah – right, sorry. I’ll – I’ll go back to the infirmary,” Clover says, standing up, awkwardly staying still as if waiting for something, and then turns around to walk away.

“Thanks.”

“E-eh?”

“For the chocolate.”

“Oh! Right. Umm, if you’d like, I could… maybe bri—”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Ah… alright. Uh – well, have a nice day, First Lieutenant. I hope the training goes well.”

“Yeah, you too. And don’t forget to put some bandages on those scrapes.”

Clover leaves the observation deck, leaving me with the screens showing my cadets. They’re still trying to hold back their laughter. Even Valkyrie looks to be in a better mood now instead of being some mopey little kid.

“Is something funny?” I ask them over the comms. “Please, do tell me what you’re all laughing about.”

Shitger is the first to speak up, saying, “Sir! We heard everything about the gummy bears.”

Honest, but really fucking stupid.

“You worthless maggots might think that I’ve shown you Hell before. You might think that your bodies have already been pushed to the limits. You probably think it can’t possibly get any worse than it was. When our schedule simulation time is over, because this is a fucking precious time that was a pain in the ass to sche—” I get interrupted by chuckling.

These brats are fucking dead.

I let go of the button and look over at one of the other nearby instructors who looks like he’s trying not to laugh himself. “You, get over here and watch these maggots for me,” I order him.

I have some sugar-free gummy bears to go buy.