The Technician's Fight, Draft 1, CH52

“How are you feeling?” Leiha asked, calmly watching Jeremy from the other side of her desk.

The laugh that escaped him was strangled by the almost sob at the utter ridicule of the question. How was he feeling? After what they’d done to him? Jeremy would never have imagined that a species so comfortable with their sexuality could be capable of engaging in versions of it that felt so utterly wrong.

The knowledge it was done, so he’d know what he might be subjected to by his captors, didn’t help. This wasn’t academic knowledge. A lecture in all the ways a male’s body could be used and abused. It was intimate knowledge of items inserted into him, of being forced to feel things that should have been pleasurable but turned into torture. Of being forced to do things….

The memory of the toilet waiting for him while being watched by all those people. Not projections, his trainer had made sure Jeremy touched each of them. That they spoke to him. He’d held it for as long as he could, but the celebratory meal that had come before had been revealed for the setup it was.

When he couldn’t hold it anymore, he couldn’t convince himself he was alone while they murmured comments on what he did.

It couldn’t be easy for them, with a Kelsirian’s need for privacy during this time. But it was torture for him.

“How many quit after this?” he asked, tears falling.

“Many. But it means they live.”

He nodded. “Does it get better?”

“Are you asking if what they’ll do as part of your training will get easier?”

His nod was tentative.

“No.”

He’d been afraid of that. How much could he endure? Was it worth it? Who, what would he be on the other side?

“A hunter,” she replied, and he was shocked she’d spoken without him voicing the thought. “You need this reassurance more than the respect of the process, Jeremy. Maybe this is another species difference. But I think this serves you more than waiting until you work up the courage to voice the question. On the other side of the training, you will be a Hunter of the Line. One as equipped as we can arrange to face whatever our enemies will do to you. You will change, but that is something the gods dictated would happen regardless of what we did, or didn’t do. But you will still be you.”

He couldn’t envision that being true. The him who survived what was being done couldn’t emerge on the other side as him.

“Do you want to stop?” she asked.

He had to think about it. He had to consider how all the reading he’d done in preparation had been useless. How, no matter what he did to make the next training session easier to endure, his trainers would go at it in such a way that the pain, physical or emotional, would be worse than he could imagine.

Did he really want to go through that? Was he insane? Wasn’t the price of walking away so much easier to endure than the one for remaining? After all, others would suffer if he wasn’t there to make sure a reactor was safe to use. Others would suffer if he wasn’t there to stand between them and those who would hurt them.

It wasn’t his job to suffer for them. It wasn’t like there was some god hanging over him, looking at him in disappointment.

No. The only person he’d have to explain himself to was himself.

He shook his head. “I can’t stop.”

“No one is forcing you to continue, Jeremy.”

“That’s not it. I’ve just….” He realized it was ridiculous. There was some logical fallacy he was stepping into, but he didn’t care. “I’m almost to the other side. I want to be there for those who will need me. I want to be the best hunter I can, so that when the time comes, I’ll be able to say that maybe I fell, but it wasn’t because I gave up.”

“Very well. In that case. How are you feeling, Jeremy?”

Again, the laugh was strangled by the sob. But this time, he pushed through and talked.

He talked and cried, and raged, and cried again.

When he left her office, and Gral took him in his arms. Jeremy barely had enough strength left to stand.

*

Jeremy soaked in the comfort of his friends as they pressed against him in the bed. All of them next and atop him should be suffocating, but he needed their touch. The knowledge they wanted to touch him in spite of how soiled he felt.

He wasn’t ready for sex. He’d warned Gral that after what had been done to him, he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to let someone touch him like that. And his Heart had nodded and reassured he would be there for him no matter what.

Somewhere among his fears and worries. Among the smells of his friends and the sounds of them sleeping, he fell asleep and did not have nightmares.

*

“You can’t be serious,” Jeremy told his beta as he looked over the young Kelsirians exercising.

“It’s part of learning to be a hunter.”

“Bullshit. You didn’t do that until you were set to become a beta.”

Thur chuckle. “You say it like it was my decision. A certain Alpha decided I needed to be punished for all the times I took part in rescuing you.”

“If you’re always going to come to my rescue, you might as well do so with a pack of your own as backup. I think that was the reasoning.”

“And then, once you became a hunter. Putting you in my pack was his way to ensure he’d know who to blame if something happened to you.”

Jeremy snorted. “If that’s why you think our Alpha put his Heart in your pack, you don’t know him all that well.” He motioned to the cubs. “What did I do to deserve this as my punishment?”

“It’s not that,” his beta replied. “You have things to share.”

“I’m not that good of a fighter.”

“It’s more than that.” His friends seemed at a loss as to how to explain himself. “I just feel that you can help them. Help yourself in the process.” He was quiet. “You said, the other day, that you don’t always know why you’re putting yourself through the training. They’re why. They are Kelser’s future. Our people. They are the ones who will pick up where we fell and keep our people safe. When they reach the Forest, they’ll be able to tell Thuruksamian it took them so long to arrive because we had been there to make sure their lives were as long as possible.”

“If you get me crying, they’re never going to take me seriously as their trainer.”

“They’re cubs. You’ll be lucky if you can get them to listen to you at all.”

“You’re making it sound like torture.”

“Maybe this is also part of interrogation training.”

“If one of our enemies uses kids as part of their torture, don’t be surprised when I come back from there with the kids in toe and not one of the adults left alive.”

Thur smiled. “That’s the spirit. Now come, it’s time to confront the chaos.”

*

Jeremy fell onto the bed. “I never want to see a cub again,” he mumbled into the fabric.

“The training went well, then?” Gral asked, not looking up from his tablet.

Jeremy glared at the love of his life. “You set this up. I just know it.”

Gral’s lips quirked up just enough for the pointed bottom of his incisors to be visible. “The Alpha doesn’t get involved in the training of his hunter. That’s what he had betas for.”

Jeremy quickly crawled on top of his Heart, forcing him to move the tablet away. “That was a smirk,” he snarled. “You so planned this with Thur.” He sat his ass over Gral’s groin, and before he realized what he was doing, he was grinding it.

“Jer?” his Heart asked cautiously.

Jeremy smiled mischievously. “Yes?”

“You’re having an effect.”

He could definitely feel the erection under his ass. “You don’t say?” He found the only problem he had with it was that his pants were in the way.

Gral tilted an ear. “Are you sure?”

Jeremy smirked and rubbed his ass up and down. “Do I need to have the bridge contact you and tell you my ass needs your cock in it? Or are you going to actually do something about it?”

He was on his back, remnants of his shirt and pants floating down, and a hungry Kelsirian baring his teeth at him. “I’m going to make you regret this.”

“Strong words. But you’ll never make me talk.”

“Talk? Oh, I don’t want to hear you talk. I want to hear you scream.” He moved Jeremy’s legs over his shoulders. “I’m going to have you screaming all their names by the time I’m done with you.” He pushed in and didn’t get a scream, but a moan.

*

Jeremy huddled in the darkened corner, the towering, faceless alien approaching. He didn’t know what he was doing there or how he’d ended up in this cell.

“You’re mine,” the alien snarled. It grabbed him by the neck and raised him until Jeremy saw his distorted reflection in the silvery mask it wore. “You’re going to tell me everything I want.”

The terror ramped up, and he was afraid it was right. He would betray— “Technician Jeremy Bradshaw,” he said in a monotone. “Of the merchant ship The Brave Traveler.”

“That’s a lie!” It threw him across the room, and Jeremy hit the metal wall.

*

He sat with a gasp, searching for his torturer. Trying to remember why he’d been where he had. To pull any of the dream so he could make sense of the fear.

“Jer,” Gral mumbled, putting a hand on his leg.

A dream. His breathing slowed. Just a nightmare caused by his training. Fuck did he hate his training.

He took his Heart’s hand and moved it to his chest, and he lay back. “I’m okay. Just a nightmare.”

Gral pulled him close. “I’ll keep you safe,” he mumbled, nuzzling his neck.

Jeremy held on to the thought, even as he couldn’t ignore the reality. He was a hunter. Hunter didn’t seek safety. If safety was what he wanted, he could remain a civilian.

He curled against his Alpha. He was okay exchanging his safety for that of the people on the ship. For his people.

He closed his eyes, ready to confront his enemy. In his dream, or in reality.

*

Jeremy entered engineering and felt odd. It had been months since he’d been on duty. Recuperating from the hunt, then his interrogation training, and healing from that. That wasn’t over, but the most intense sessions were behind him. Now, it was about continuing to build his resistance to the pain and the humiliations.

It still wasn’t pleasant, but getting over them no longer took weeks, or required series of sessions with Leiha before he could see beyond how he felt.

He would miss days here and there, but he was officially back to being Technician Jeremy Bradshaw most of the time.

The Engineer stood in the door to his office, and not wanting to annoy him on his first day back, Jeremy headed up the stairs.

“Engineer,” he greeted him once they were in the office. Only for him to rub his muzzle against his cheek.

“Not right now. Right now I’m just Alix, and happy that you’re back.” He pulled Jeremy to the couch. “After, I’ll be the Engineer.” He pushed Jeremy’s jacket off, then they were on the couch.

*

“I still can’t get used to your new voice, Bob. Your Kersosteran voice box gives it this odd accent that’s unsettling. Probably because I’ve known your original one. First, congrats on renewing your contract. The previous message made it sound like that wasn’t certain, one of the new hire getting in tight with the captain and not liking you. If I didn’t understand it right. Sorry. Kersosteran business relationships are outside my understanding.

“I need to ask. Do Earther soldiers go through intense interrogation training? The stuff they put me through was harrowing. If I didn’t have the counseling and the close friends I do, I’m not sure I’d have made it. Had nightmares about being tortured for weeks after. Still get the occasional one, but I think I no longer tell them what they want to know anymore. I’ve never been great with remembering dreams.

“We’re heading to a station for some rest and relaxation. And because of the kind of ship we are, gather information, I expect. Unless I’m told otherwise, I’m going to be a civilian for the duration, so none of that is my problem. I won’t give you details, but my love life is going well. My sex life is even better. Although I’ve been exposed to a side of that through my training that makes me glad every male I’ve been with is tame. Do yourself a favor. Do not look into dark Kelsirian sex ballads. Which, I know. Now that I’ve told you they’re out there, you’re going to have a hard time resisting. Just remember I warned you.

“Any idea when you’re going by your array? And what it’ll cost me to get a copy of those movies? Me and Gral have pretty much exhausted those we both enjoy from the database of them we have. You have no idea how hard it is to get him to stop analyzing them at times. I get he’s curious about Earther culture, and movies are the only access to it he has. But they are movies, not research documents.

“Actually. Does your array collect any of those? He would definitely like them.

“Anyway, let me know, and tell me how the birth went, and how that’s going to work with you being part of their family right now. Because that’s an aspect that baffles me.”

Jeremy filed the message to be sent, then got ready for his shift.