One Crisis At A Time, v3

This may be of interest. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220107-the-lost-medieval-habit-of-biphasic-sleep?at_bbc_team=editorial&at_link_type=web_link&at_ptr_name=facebook_page&at_medium=social&at_link_origin=BBC_News&at_campaign=Social_Flow&at_campaign_type=owned&at_format=link&at_link_id=3654120E-BDD5-11ED-A9AA-47A8ECABB293

Leonard Richard Stanway

It's really fun. I'm only a few chapters in, but the thing I'm noticing most is a lack of body language. The characters don't have much natural movement with their bodies when they're simply interacting with each other, or in dialogue. I think that might help a lot with adding the emotionality as well, as a person will have physical tells to their feels. And also adds more to a character. Are they the sort to make themselves bigger or smaller when they stand? When they're surprised, do the flinch or go still? When they're angry, do their movements become small and contained, or do they fill the space with their movements?

To some extent I think this is just title deflation in Caroline's worldbuilding (likely because she just picked titles that sounded good without designing the whole hierarchy); just based on their holdings I'd think Hugo was a Baron and Mabry a Count if not a Duke. But then most of my knowledge of feudal titles comes from playing Crusader Kings 3, so I'm hardly an expert either...

Agreed. The transition from friends to lovers seems to happen largely off the page. While the "spicy" details can safely be left to the fanfic writers, I feel that if Caroline doesn't draw out the romance bit of her romance novel a bit more, Henry would definitely have something to say about that.

Oisin Creaner

Just had one of those "Fridge logic" moments today about Baron Mabry. I'd been thinking for a while that it made no sense for a King or Queen (much less both in two separate kingdoms) to care that much about a Baron like Mabry, much less a minor landed Knightly family like the Hawkhurst/Pages. And then it struck me: this is part of the evidence that something *is* up. Mabry must be living beyond his means to be able to have influence one might more usually expect from a Count, or even a Duke, which suggests he's got backers. In addition: we know the Pages are explicitly upwardly mobile types, with one daughter's wedding bootstrapping the other to marry even further above their station. It kinda seems like poor Hugo got caught in the middle of several different plots.

Oisin Creaner

And while I fully support the decision to leave heavy spice to the fanfic crew (well, not that I wouldn't have read it...), it did seem a bit disappointing to me to have the emotional consummation mostly offstage. I mean, there's a double romance here, and in neither does anyone ever express direct affection verbally. Yes, the flirting and trust buildup is really the point, and probably Caroline/Rosamund/Jill are just Much More British than I am, but I really would have liked at least one of the direct Leo/Rosamund conversations toward the end.

I get that Rosamund's inability to directly acknowledge her own needs or emotions outside of exhaustion or an emergency is a (the) major plot point, and Caroline has to bring those to the surface somehow, but Rosamund's series of accidents is bordering on comical by the end. The wedding was a nice break from this.

Rosamund seemed to travel strikingly slower and was more exhausted by it than Leo/Robin, both ways. I would buy that if they were marching with backpacks, but with pack horses it seemed a bit odd, or at least in need of further explication.

While I was generally found the Leo POV chapters both amusing and helpful, the choice to be mostly-all Rosamund POV but with a few exceptions is an unusual structure and there are I think reasons for that that might or might not apply here, and if not it would be worth thinking explicitly about why.

So, let me preface my remarks by saying I've read the first draft about two and a half times, quite enjoyed it, and it's the best $3 I've spent on entertainment in quite a while. That said, a few things:

By the way, it took many days for Rosamund and Leo to reach Quayforth, yet the king could make it in...was it one day????

Ann Brookens

I think the addition of earlier interaction between Caroline and Henry lessens confusion about the structure of the book. Even though I didn't have that problem! As a matter of fact, in every part that comes from the Fantasy Heroine videos, I have the movie and your voice running through my head. Chapter 8 Rosamund breaks down --and I bawled along with her Chapter 9 Leo's tea with Queen Cat: oldest son is ushered away for HER lessons ??? Chapter 15 I really like the expansion on Robin's Elinor and her inclusion later! Chapter 24 After King Roland leaves and Rosamund is telling her children goodnight: the 15 year old boy shares a room with his 11 year old sister??? Loved the book. Ready for the sequel!

Ann Brookens

I don't know where you want comments but I do have one comment, and I don't really have any place else to put it. You mention The Administrator having a "North American accent." I don't know if Caroline would know this or not, but there are many, quite distinct North American accents -- and, if you intended to include Canada among the various Sources of North American Accents...they spell it Organise-with-an-s. Typically, what people think of as a "North American accent" is the 'Southern California' accent, so I'd recommend saying that she sounded "kind of like she'd spent too much time in LA" or some such, instead. Then she would definitely be Organized and Prioritized with z's in both words.

JWLM

https://youtu.be/vLzTXPSIF4I This is the exert that I was thinking of. "Haphazardly constructed world." Almost a get out of jail free card for all the nitpickers out there.

Leonard Richard Stanway

Thank you :)

Jill Bearup

Dear Scary Sword Lady, Thank you so much for this. I had wanted to write this before, but life got in the way. I really loved how you built in the interactions between Caroline and the other characters. I can understand you skipping some scenes, but I feel that if you built in Caroline's initial compliment to Rosamund, you can play on it at the reverse, which you did include. There is another scene that I was hoping that you might reconsider including, but I can't remember right now, sorry. I am really interested in Leo's backstory. How did he become an officer as a commoner? Did he serve Madbry as a Captain? How did he come to the queen's attention? I have realised some other reasons to be invested; I have been called 'Leo' before, but I am not a fan. My fiancée is called Eleanor, but not Elinor. My grandfather's first wife had Rosamund as a second name (died in childbirth). I really loved this, thank you! I read it really quickly. I just wanted to offer encouragement.

Leonard Richard Stanway

The tone and humor are very enjoyable. Caroline and Rosmonds first exchange made me snort. Placing Leo's reaction to being a viscount after the reveal nicely kept the flow of the scene and was a fun play with the format. The only scene I found a little awkward was when he was comforting her from the nightmare. She seemed a little to coherent to still be snuggled to him towards the end. Overall still liked the scene and the story as a whole. Thank you for the read!