[Story] Unlucky Evelyn~!!!

- At Evelyn’s House -

Evelyn: …

Evelyn: What the hell is in these…?

She stood there staring down at a bizarre-looking object with a beer can in her hand.

Evelyn: What… is this…?

It was a cookie. A cookie she had purchased from a sweet little blonde girl as she was leaving Oat Pi University.

She took a gulp of beer.

Evelyn: Is that… grass and weeds?

Evelyn: …

She bent down, taking a closer look.

Evelyn: Is this some kind of joke?!

She was having an off day, no students were sent to her office to be disciplined, and Diana’s latest aphrodisiac experiment almost blew up the lab again.

Evelyn: *sigh* This is what I get for being nice.

She tilted her head, knocking back a mouthful of beer.

Evelyn: B-uhh…

Evelyn: All I wanted was a nice cookie to go with my beer and this…

Evelyn: This is…

Evelyn: What the hell is this?!

Her vague criticism was punctuated with an apprehensive poke.

Evelyn: I can make a better cookie than THAT!

Evelyn: …

A spark of inspiration slowly crept in as she chugged the rest of her beer, remembering when she used to bake cookies for her ex-boyfriend in her youth.

She crushed the empty can tossing it to the side, bouncing it off the wall and into the bin.

Evelyn: You know what…

Evelyn: I CAN make a better cookie than that!

She walked to the fridge, grabbing another can of beer while also taking the butter and eggs out, and placing them on the kitchen bench.

With beer in hand, she grabbed the largest bowl she had from the top cupboard, placing it down on the bench with the initial ingredients.

She cracked open the beer.

Evelyn: *glug glug glug*... ahhh… that hit the spot.

She opened her pantry, grabbing the last few ingredients; flour, sugar, and chocolate chips.

Evelyn: I’m missing the vanilla extract, but it should be fine without it.

She took a few more gulps of beer before turning on the oven to pre-heat it to 170C, and placing the tray on the stovetop.

Evelyn: Urgh… I… I shouldn’t have had those shots of bourbon before I left the office…

She washed down the feeling, slamming back the entire can of beer.

Evelyn: Whoopshie. Looks like I need another drink.

Several beers later, she started baking.

Evelyn: IN g-hos that butter and da shugar, and we m-hix them until it’s smooth.

Evelyn: Maybe I’ll add a bit o’v beer… y’aeh dat sounds good to me.

She poured a splash of beer into the bowl before taking a swig for herself.

Evelyn: And n’how we add s’um flour…

Even though she was drunk, she carefully tipped the flour out of the bag, making sure to use the correct amount.

As the flour poured out, she began to remember all the times she used to bake cookies. Baking them for her ex-boyfriend, and remembering how happy she used to be.

Evelyn: …

Evelyn: That FUG’ING JERWK.

She slammed down the bag on the bench, sending a cloud of flour into the air.

Evelyn: HOW DARE HE CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT BIG NOSED SLU-OT?!

Evelyn: “NOT ENOUGH SEX”... “NO-PT ENOUGH SEX?!”...

Evelyn: ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK, YOU IDIOT?!

She chugged the rest of her beer, crushing it entirely with one hand and tossing it blindly into the bin.

Evelyn: HE EVN SHAID MY LOVE COOKIES WAS THE BEST HI’SD EVERY HAD!

Evelyn: D’HAT LY’IN’S BASTARDS!

She poured out half the bag of choc chips into her hand and stuffed them into her mouth, tipping the rest into the cookie batter.

Evelyn: THA’ BASTARD!

Evelyn: IF HE ASKE’D I WOULD HAVE DESTROYED HIM!!!

She stabbed the mixing spoon into the dough and furiously sturred, stabbing a few extra times for good measure.

Evelyn: *sniffle*

Evelyn: WA-aHHHH! IT’S NOT F’WAIR!!!

She slumped onto the floor in tears, cradling the bowl of batter.

Several tears land in the batter as she continues to gently mix it.

Evelyn: I’m go’wing to mak’ d’ese, and… and…

Evelyn: AND I DESERVE LOVE COOK-HIES, NO-PT HIM!

She staggered to her feet, wandering over to the baking tray, somehow still mixing.

She spooned out the batter onto the tray, pressing each one firmly with her fingers.

After a few poorly coordinated minutes, she was done.

Evelyn: PERFECT! Da’ats all of dem.

Evelyn: In da oven you go fur 20 minutes ya b’wastards.

She grabbed the egg timer by the stove, setting it to 20-ish minutes.

Evelyn: Wow, dis oven’s hawt, I’m ga’na ley down for a w-ittle.

She unbuttoned her shirt and staggered into the adjacent room, collapsing onto the couch and immediately falling asleep.

Evelyn: *snoring*...

~ 20 minutes later ~

*RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*

She didn’t wake up, sleeping through the baking alarm.

Thirty extra minutes go by, when suddenly.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Evelyn: AHH!? W’AT THE HELL IS D‘AT NOISE?!!

Evelyn: … *gasp*

Evelyn: THE COOK-HIES?!

She falls off the couch, desperately stumbling into the kitchen.

Evelyn: CW-RAP C-RAP CRAP!

The plumes of smoke billowed out from the oven, filling the kitchen.

Evelyn: NO-H!! MY LOVE COOKIES!!!

She quickly turned off the oven before running to the kitchen window and throwing it open, almost falling out.

Cautiously, she opened the oven, fanning a tea towel at it before grabbing the tray and taking it out of the oven.

Evelyn: … *eye twitch*

Her heartfelt cookies were now smoking charcoal bricks.

Evelyn: My… my love cook-hies.

There wasn’t much she could do. They were beyond overdone.

Defeated, she takes the tray of burnt cookies to the sink and tips them in.

The smoldering cookie briquettes sizzle and pop, as she douses them in water.

Evelyn: *sniffle*

Evelyn: It’s… it’s no-pt f’wair.

The cookie, the one she was trying to best, still sat on the plate on the kitchen table.

Perfectly untouched, and waiting.

Evelyn: FIN-E!?!

She tossed the tray, sending it skidding across the floor.

With a scruff of her hair, she trudged over to the cookie, snatching it from the plate.

Evelyn: D’is better taste gw-reat you little sl-hut?!

It didn’t.

I hope y’all enjoyed that little short with Evelyn! She is soOOoo unlucky and I feel really bad for her. If you feel bad for her too, let me know in the comments below. Or just let me know what you think. : )

And thank you to everyone who voted!

~ Zuri Sama ~