(C) The Gryphening, and a Seven-Month Journey

Patreon prompts me to "tell a story" everytime I make a description for one of these posts. So let me tell you a story lmao. Beware that it might get a lil personal. CW for mentioning depresso things, even if it's just a little bit.

In July last year (that being 2021) I was working on a piece commissioned by two very special friends of mine, Max and Mathias. It was on about the 17th of said month that I began to feel a strange tingle in my forefinger whenever I would try and paint away at the sheer monstrosity that was this project, not knowing what a goddamn trial awaited me.

Originally, It had been planned as a comic page. Max and Mathias wanted to support lil ol me and also get as much painting as they could, which I gladly let them choose. I wasn't confident yet in my ability to do quick line-art and didn't have a reliable simple style anyways. Back then I was still constantly underestimating the effort of painting and had no experience of how it scales with additional scope of work. Max and Mathias had no part in that of course. I wanted to work for them so badly, and I'm still profoundly grateful for their confidence and support. They became a shoulder to cry on real damn quick and they took that with grace. Might I add, I'm sure that I would have gotten these issues whether I would have been working on their painting or another. It was a matter of time.

We were laughing together when we were coming up with ideas for this image. Oh, Sehiny's not a gryphon, but he can be crashing into the pillar so nobody can see his face! Oh, I'll just turn Pharus into a gryphon for this too so Breezy and Viari can be bullying him. Oh, What if I put Asmodeus (SymreaArt's character!) there staring at the middle scene, blissfully oblivious to Rein about to crash right into him? Oh, what if we put bread and literature on the sacrifice table because that's what basically all Theo is? Et cetera. I mean look at it, it's a straight ripoff from Narnia too. I dont usually do shitpost art, but this grand proposal could not be resisted. The jars are meant to collect fluids in the following panels, by the way : - ) Later on I had some fun coming up with designs for a few of them.

Sadly, as mentioned previously, I had to stop working on this barely a few days in. I had to stop working altogether. I was in pain.

My pain tolerance is pitifully low most times. Every day from that 17th-or-so of July, I was sitting around watching Max and Mathias and Fable (SymreaArt) play games in which I couldn't participate. My other friends too. I became so bitter in such a short time. I tried to draw, but it would make me hurt for days after. I had no idea why. In other places, I've written about every useless and useful expense, every stupid little step of the way, the various directions from which I felt pressured, the cluelessness. God it fucking SUCKED. I dont think that simply recalling the events in text does this absolutely dogshit period in my life any justice whatsoever. And worst of all, I knew just a little better how much worse other people had it now. How disabled people just have to deal with it, permanently, and how they don't seem to cry like I did. How people can become severely depressed after certain changes. I still remember vividly that I had this fire burning in me saying, if you can't do art, you are useless. If you can't be what you are, you can't allow yourself to exist period. Stupid but still very real.

My sincerest gratitude also goes out to Knou and Pharus, who both donated hundreds of dollars to me when I was incapacitated. It made even my mom choke up. Helped me get my height-adjustable table and ergo-chair.

After the long wait for the specialist I finally got physiotherapy and rapidly improved. I got off easy. It was surprising how easy. I felt like an idiot for a while, but also relieved. Nonetheless, I deal with some amount of discomfort every day, and writing about this experience just now made me realize I should probably see the doctor again, huh! I need to get more physio. Can't be that I just get used to this. If you care to know what I have, it's basically constricted nerves due to an overly tense upper back, shoulder and arm musculature, leading to sensations in the fingers and lower arm for some stupid reason -- I thought it was in the fingers and arm! Wrong, all along. I won't get carpal tunnel 'cause I always avoided overusing my wrists, but holding my arm very tensely and having bad posture for all my life took a toll.  Sigh.

Well, back to the painting eh? I didn't want to paint for a long while now. I remained conscious of what was causing me to be so tense, and the movements I was making to blend the paint were very bad for me. So I took on projects with line and simple colour for a while to be able to move more smoothly across the tablet, and it did a lot. Now though that I want to study colour more, I re-committed to painting by pushing through the last necessary steps to finish this piece. It showed me how fragile I am, makes me think back. Things have changed, and I know it's not a perfect picture. The journey isn't over either. And lastly, as stupidly good as it is to have it off my back, there's still that little worm going "Bet Max and Mathias expected better from their friend!" - Even though I full well know how much they care.

But hey, welcome to the back of my head lmao.