Chapter 330

The Angel Express, en route to Alexandria, Virginia - 7 AM

We took some time before congregating in the Patron’s Car. Some people were still trying to find the energy to go about their day, and Jamie still had to visit Ash after being gone for so long. The Monstersmith had declined to join us since she still had work to do, but she was nearly done and was adamant that she would finish the Hellbreaker on time or close to it.

We entered the Patron’s Car to see that Sara had chosen to keep the Angel Express’ cozy aesthetics instead of her golden halls. She smiled at me from one of the love seats, as this area was set up to be more like a lounge than a train car with uniform seating, and I moved to join her.

Like the last meeting we had here, Bethany was quick to set up a small table with teas and snacks. She had chosen to wear the maid outfit from her cafe in the Emperor’s Ascent, and she took her job very seriously.

“It’s good to see you all again,” Sara said with a smile as everyone else, other than our Tea Witch, settled in. “Thank you all for taking care of Anthony for me. He likes to think he’s invincible, but despite his winning streak he still finds himself getting into an astonishing amount of trouble.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I stated innocently, busying myself by removing the Seven-Tenners Bowling Shirt from my inventory and placing it on a Constructed table. It was quickly followed by a stack of patches, a needle, and white thread. “Don’t think I’m acting any different than I normally do.”

“Yes, that just might be the problem,” she replied, and her wing clipped through my head as if she tried to gently bat me with it.

“It’s all in a day’s work, Mrs. Franklin,” Jamie said, causing the Angel to perk up. “Or is he Mr. Scion, or something?”

“Wait, what’s that?” Jeff asked quickly, looking between us and the Weapons Master.

“When did you two get married?” Kayla followed up, leaning forward in her seat. Her eyes moved from my left hand to Sara’s, a smile spreading on her lips.

My wife was positively beaming upon being addressed as Mrs. Franklin, and her halo glowed brightly above her head. “It’s a recent development,” she answered, holding up her left hand to show off the admittedly plain ring on her finger. “After the Dealer’s heist, he managed to send Ant my way for a short time. Too short, if I’m being honest. We had just enough time to say our vows and for me to create a pair of rings before I sent him off to Dublin.”

“So that’s why you showed up late,” Jamie said to me. “Because you were busy… getting married.”

“Just married,” I clarified before she could make some joke or innuendo. I picked up the first of the patches, which had the facade of a shop with “10 Cents” above it. With deft fingers, I started to sew it to my shirt.

<<<>>>

[[Item]]

Dime Store Patch

When sewn onto a Filbin Bowling Shirt, increase Dexterity by 3. Add the Force Transfer passive.

<<<>>>

“Then it seems like congratulations are in order,” Kayla said. “That’s a huge step for you two.”

“Good on ya,” Jeff added, giving us a thumb’s up.

“It’s big news, for sure. Congrats,” Mercury continued.

Bethany brought a cup of tea and a plate with a slice of vanilla cake before gesturing to my wife. I took it from her, my Warmind abilities continuing to move the needle and thread while my hands were occupied.

“Please send that to Lady Sara, and I’m happy for the both of you,” she signed with a smile before returning to her table.

I did as requested, pulling the plate and tea into my inventory before sending them off as tribute. Sara received them a moment later and took a sip. “It’s delicious, Bethany. Thank you.”

We passed on the message, and the Tea Witch was beaming ear to ear.

“Alright, so this Patron’s Car only lasts for an hour, so who wants to ask the first question?” I asked, settling into the couch as I continued to use telekinesis to sew the patch onto my shirt. Bethany served me next, and I took a bite of cake. It might not have been magical, but it was still delicious.

Mercury was the first to raise his hands, and I nodded in his direction. “What was all that about you turning into a woman to save me?”

I glanced at Jamie, who gave me a friendly wave, before rolling my eyes. “You know that’s her question, right?”

“Yeah, but it pertains to me and I really want to know,” he answered. “I mean, that’s a big deal, right?”

“It was temporary, and I was able to get it reversed long before I could run into too many problems,” I replied.

“While good to know,” Kayla started, clearly amused. “That doesn’t give us a lot of details about why.”

“From what I heard, he made a rather attractive woman,” Jamie said.

“Alright, lady,” I sighed.

“I believe the word he used to describe himself was ‘hot,’” she continued.

“I think you’ve stirred the pot enough,” I told her. The Weapon Master arched a challenging eyebrow at me as I stared at her, and eventually I broke with a chuckle. I wasn’t really upset about the question—few things actually shamed me at my advanced age—but it was fun to play along. “Give me a moment and I’ll answer.”

Turning my attention to my shirt, I confirmed that the Dime Store patch was firmly in place before Lifting the next one on the pile. This one was a fishing hook that seemed to have caught a bowling pin and was lifting it off of the lane.

<<<>>>

[[Item]]

Hook Line Patch

When sewn onto a Filbin Bowling Shirt, increase Dexterity by 1 and Constitution by 2. Add the Sinker passive.

<<<>>>

I went back to using my hands to sew it on while I spoke. “So this was back in the late seventies of my run and we were trying something new. We were in Utah looking for the Salt Shaker, which was a hammer that would leave behind its namesake every time it struck something. It could leave behind a pretty substantial debuff, kind of like Jeff’s Honey Clot but a solid instead of a liquid.”

“Sounds handy,” the Queen’s Knight noted.

“It was, but I primarily wanted it to take out a nasty ooze that was giving us trouble. It was resistant to my usual method of dispersing it by introducing a ton of water or some other liquid, so I figured we’d try magical salt since the regular stuff worked, but not well enough to kill it.”

“That doesn’t explain the gender bending,” Mercury said.

I gave him a look. “I’m getting to that, just wanted to lay down some context first.”

He held up his hands as if that would placate me. “Take your time.”

“Uh huh. Anyway, it was around that time we figured out that it had already been found and was being held by a woman named Mary Inderson. She ran a cult deep in rural Utah consisting of her Matriarchs, which was basically the women in charge with her at their head, and the men she enslaved.”

“Enslaved?” Kayla asked. “In what way?”

I offered her a thin smile. “Mary had a rare class called Siren Songstress. I had only seen it a few times, but it allowed her to ensnare men with her voice and basically mind control them. She used it to create her own harem and the Matriarchs, instead of putting a stop to it, encouraged her and were rewarded for doing so. Our knuckleheaded ninja here thought that he’d be able to waltz into their complex in the dead of night and sneak off with the Salt Shaker, and did so despite my warning.”

“That doesn’t sound like me,” Mercury complained. “Not only am I very loyal, but I’m also very, very sneaky.”

“Yeah, and how did I say Mary controlled men?” I asked.

“With her… voice,” he answered sullenly.

“Right, and she sang pretty much absentmindedly,” I replied. “Like, if she had a quiet moment then she was singing. Mary had managed to enslave around a hundred twenty men when you arrived and offered yourself up because you heard her voice.”

“Dang, she got me like that, then,” Mercury sighed. “But, wait, why did you have to turn into a woman? I mean, I figured it was to avoid mind control but why couldn’t Jamie do it?”

“I probably thought it was hilarious,” she offered.

“When you heard about it, you did,” I confirmed. “But you weren’t with us at that time. I had you on another mission for an MVP while we looked for the Salt Shaker. The plan was for you to take care of it when you got back, but then Mercury went in on his own.”

“Sounds like I was a bit troublesome, huh?” the ninja asked, slightly embarrassed. 

“A little bit of an understatement, but you learned your lesson,” I answered. “The reason why I didn’t wait was because I wanted to get Mercury out before Mary could fry his mind. Not turn his brain into literal mush or anything, but that kind of thing has a way of getting its grip on you and being hard to shake off.”

“Especially when it’s malicious,” Kayla said with a frown. “It took me a long time to feel like myself after Ant killed the Kingtin, and there had still been people who hadn’t recovered by the time we left.”

“It’s not pleasant, that’s for sure,” I added.

She shook her head before taking a sip of tea. “You took care of her afterwards, though, right?”

“No.”

“You left her there to mind control other people?” the Double Agent asked incredulously.

“To take out Mary would leave the men turned into nothing more than cattle to be slaughtered,” I answered honestly, causing her to recoil slightly. “They were already far too gone and they could still defend themselves like this. If she went off and actively enslaved huge portions of the state, then I would have done something, but she was content to play queen of her kingdom instead.”

“So you turned into a woman to get around her Siren song and rescue me,” Mercury summarized.

“That’s the basic gist of it. I wasn’t a Warmind at the time but something called a Monster Angler, which used a fishing pole to catch and a fillet knife to attack.”

“Sounds kind of fun, actually,” Jeff said.

“It was definitely an experience,” I confirmed with a smile. “But, despite my natural mental fortitude, I wasn’t about to test my luck with Mary. I was a lot more cautious back then.”

“As opposed to now, where you tanked blows with your face to make things less boring,” Sara said before sipping her tea.

“And I think I’ve done a lot better on that front recently,” I returned.

“Yes, you have been doing a good job. I liked the way you handled Chernobyl by mostly letting your telekinesis and Constructs do the work, aside from when you shut that bear’s mouth from atop it,” she praised, and her quick turnaround made me smile.

“Well, thanks,” Mercury said, grabbing our attention. “I don’t think a lot of people would do that for someone who made such a stupid mistake. Even if it was a past version of me, I appreciate it.”

“I’d do it again if I had to. That, or make Jeff drink it and go in my place,” I joked.

“Don’t you dare,” Kayla warned.

“He’d probably make a good looking girl, too,” Jamie mused, looking the knight up and down as she stroked her chin.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to sit this one out,” Jeff said with a nervous chuckle. “Hey, how about another question? I’ve got one.”

“It might be prudent to change the topic before Summers here decides to go find one of these gender potions for you, yes. Go right ahead,” I chuckled before pulling the next patch from the pile. This one was the first from the platinum crews and depicted a set of metal pins that were bolted to the lane.

<<<>>>

[[Item]]

Tough Actin’ Pin Action Patch

When sewn onto a Filbin Bowling Shirt, increase Constitution by 5. Add the Love Tap passive.

<<<>>>

Jeff scooted to the edge of his seat as he leaned forward. “So you’ve been around for ages and ages, and we’ve heard a lot about your fights. What was the biggest, hardest fight you’ve been a part of? Or the most powerful enemy you’ve fought. Either one, really.”

I nodded at the question, and it seemed like everyone else was eager to hear the answer. Even Bethany, who had finished serving everyone and had taken a seat next to her brother, perked up as the conversation was translated to her.

“While I’m sure the answer would have been Sara if she didn’t have the patience of a saint…” I started, glancing at my wife.

“Very true. I could have squashed you the first time we met. Considering you attacked me with a cannon containing the power of the sun, I was very lenient with you,” she said, her halo brightening.

I nodded at the memory. “She would be up there, but the real answer is that I don’t have a name for the most powerful thing I’ve fought.”

“It’s not the Demonic Emperor or whatever waiting in Hell?” Jeff asked, confused.

“Nah. I mean, early on he was a pain, but I’ve had to fight him ninety-nine times to get where I am now. He’s kind of old hat,” I answered with a shrug.

Jamie tapped her fingernails against her now empty cake plate. “If it’s not the literal end boss, then what is it?”

I took a breath. “Out in the Pacific Ocean, where Point Nemo is,” I started before sensing confusion in a few auras. “That’s the point farthest from any shore. It’s literally the longest distance you can get away from any land except by going into space.”

“Okay, continue,” Jeff said, though Bethany was also nodding that she understood.

“There’s an island. It wasn’t there before the system dropped, but it has apparently been there since day one, and it’s the world boss of Earth.”

Mercury tilted his head. “As in, the world boss is living on the island?”

“No, as in the world boss is the island,” I answered before taking another drink. “It has a humanoid form it can take to communicate with but, for all intents and purposes, it is the island. And the water around it. And the sky above it.”

“That sounds massive,” Kayla pointed out. “What exactly is it?”

“As far as the treasure hunter who divined its location could tell me, it’s an Elemental.”

“An Elemental?” Mercury asked incredulously. “What, like some kind of Island Elemental?”

“After fighting it, I can firmly say it very well could be some kind of Everything Elemental,” I said with a thin smile before looking at my wife. “Anything you’d like to add?”

Sara considered for a moment before shaking her head. “Unfortunately, I’m bound from speaking on the topic. It’s not an Angel thing, but a world boss thing.”

“I forgot that’s what Sara was,” Jamie whispered, sizing my wife up like she had done to Jeff moments ago.

The Angel wasn’t sure how to take this gaze, and looked at me. I simply shrugged before finishing up my stitch and pulling the next one. This one was a picture of some kind of futuristic sedan with a rack for bowling balls on it, each one shining platinum. It was one of the stranger ones from the pile.

<<<>>>

[[Item]]

Hood Rack Patch

When sewn onto a Filbin Bowling Shirt, increase Strength by 1 and Dexterity by 4. Add the Ball Return passive.

<<<>>>

“I went in to test the world boss since I had a fairly high-powered build going on,” I continued, ignoring the Weapon Master as I continued to sew. 

“What were you?” Mercury asked.

“A Needle Lancer, which was what Jeff tried to be before becoming his queen’s knight.”

“Wouldn’t change it, either,” he said proudly.

“Nah. It’s very you,” I replied with a smile. “Anyway, I introduced myself, was told to leave, and attacked anyway. I couldn’t fly, but I had the ability to walk on air which was very helpful after the elemental melded with the island and the entire thing turned into this hulking behemoth that could stand on the water without so much as a ripple.”

“Does that mean you killed a world boss?” Kayla asked curiously.

“Oh sweet bountiful Eden, no,” I laughed. “No, I got my ass handed to me. Several times, actually. I had a Calico’s Button-Up with the Nine Lives passive, where it will literally save your life nine times, and they took out six of them during the fight and a seventh when I decided to cut my losses and flee.”

“Damn,” Jeff whispered. “That sounds tough.”

“It was. A storm started brewing halfway through, the kind that can shatter windows with the thunder alone and blow down houses,” I continued. “I got struck by so much lightning I could have provided enough electricity for most of North America, and that was just passive damage. There was a time when I got dunked underwater, just a few feet from the surface, but it felt like I had gone so deep that it could crush submarines. That’s what I meant by an Everything Elemental; it literally felt like I was fighting the planet.”

There was a moment of silence as everyone processed that information, though Jamie recovered quickly. “You couldn’t do it as a Needle Lancer, but what about as a Warmind?”

I thought it over for a moment before turning to Sara. She tilted her head as she looked back at me. The amount of holy energy I saw in her aura during that brief glimpse had been massive, more than I assumed she was capable of even as a world boss. If the Elemental had even half of her power I’d have been cautious, but I had the sneaking suspicion that it was on par with my wife.

“It would have been a closer fight,” I finally said, turning back to my friends. “The Needle Lancer specializes in outputting as much power into as small a point as possible, often with explosive results. It's a single target damage class, essentially, and it’s great at what it does. As a Warmind I have less damage, but it makes up for that in utility and defense. The battle would have likely been longer, but I’m not positive I would have won.”

“That’s rough,” Jamie replied. “But we could always help out, you know.”

“I’m not sure I want to fight an Everything Elemental,” Kayla said with a shake of her head. “And it’s a world boss? If it’s out of Ant’s league, we’ll probably get crushed in a few seconds.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” I stated with a shrug. “But we’re not going to be fighting it, so it doesn’t matter. Once we’re done with the Patron’s Ball we’re going to descend into Hell and kill the Emperor so we can end this death game early. As much as I’d like to test my skills again, making sure there’s more survivors than ever is the top priority.”

“I’ll be honest, I’m a bit relieved,” Mercury chuckled. “I was wondering how I was going to sneak attack an island. I’d much rather just not fight it at all.”

Jamie sat up straighter in her chair. “Alright, my question next.”

“I think we should consider the gender swap question as yours and let Mercury go again,” I teased.

“Sounds good to me,” the ninja quickly agreed.

“Nah,” Jamie said, shaking her head. “This is a quest, actually. I’ve got to get some information from you.”

The smile on my face waned slightly. “Oh, yeah?”

She nodded. “Athena wanted me to ask you something so I could tell her about it later.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

Jamie hesitated for a moment, which was very out of character. “She wanted me to ask you about the Broken Tyrant.”

“You should pick another question,” Sara warned, her voice low as her flaming hair brightened in anger. “Athena has no—”

“No, it’s okay,” I interrupted.

She turned to me quickly. “Ant, that’s none of her, or anyone else’s, concern.”

“I know, and thank you for trying to protect me,” I said with a small but genuine smile. “It’s a fair question. Jamie probably would have asked if she had been there to hear it herself.”

Taking a breath, I hesitated to start the next patch. I stared at the bowling shirt in my hands as I thought over how I wanted to answer the question. There was a lot to go over.