Plans for Revising Early Chapters, Plus Rewritten Ch. 46!

So, it's no secret that a lot of the early stuff in this story is... rough, to say the least. A lot of the latter stuff, too, if I'm honest, but that's a problem for another day. What I'm making this post about is to announce an endeavor I've started to rewrite a lot of what I consider to be the absolute worst parts of this story that I've written, some of the cringiest, most cliche shit that I threw into this story.

Specifically, I'm talking about Chapters 46-50, and 56-93. Basically everything to do with Elise's introduction and the events surrounding the first half of the Knight Academy arc, when my reliance on xianxia tropes was at its absolute worst and when I wrote some of the trashiest shit that I've ever had the displeasure to go back and reread. And I'm being honest when I saw that, going back and rereading Elise's introduction or the Combat Test in chapters 59 and 60 make me facepalm in shame.

This is not an endeavor that I'm taking lightly, and it won't be one that sees a public release for a long time. Instead, I'm going to release 'bonus chapters' to all of you, my patrons, to get your feedback in seeing what is working and what isn't, and to try and refine my writing even further. At the very least, I'm hoping to eliminate a lot of the bad stuff while keeping as much of the good as I can.

At the current time, I'm hoping to get at least one chapter rewritten every week, perhaps as much as two, since this is going to be something I'm doing in addition to writing enough new stuff to stay ahead of my normal release schedule. Now, it may seem like it's going to take forever at that pace to get through all of those chapters I listed above, but I'm confident that there's enough in those chapters that aren't so bad or only need a few touch-ups that I can get this revision done in a reasonable amount of time.

Anyway, to go along with this announcement, I'm going to show you what I've done so far, a near-complete rewrite of Chapter 46, featuring a new introduction for Elise! Might have a few things to say after it, so please don't just close out when you're finished! So, without further ado, here it is!

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Here's the original to compare: Original Chapter 46

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The owner of the noodle stall knew his stuff. Leon smiled, savoring the last few bites of steak in the bowl. The stall owner was pleased with Leon’s obvious satisfaction and enjoyment of the meal, but he was even more pleased when Leon tossed him a pair of silver coins.

It hadn’t even been five minutes, but Leon had almost inhaled the entire bowl in that time! Charles was quietly impressed.

“You must have been hungry indeed, to eat so fast!” he said to Leon.

Leon nodded in response. “There aren’t many spices up north. Most things are eaten without anything more than a little bit of salt, and some butter if you have the coin for it, so this was… well, I’ve never tasted anything quite like it.” Leon’s face was almost split in half from his unabashed smile, a far cry away from the stoic and serious young man from just a few minutes before.

But, a few moments later, he remembered what he had come to Teira for, and the smile disappeared.

“Well, with that done, let’s make for the bank.”

Charles was a little taken aback at how quickly Leon switched back into seriousness, but he smiled and nodded.

“Right! Just this way!”

The bank was several miles away, a good distance to walk in the city. Along the way, Charles kept talking, but Leon remained quiet. He was busy looking at all the shops he was seeing around. They weren’t much to look at since they were still in the slums, but he saw blacksmiths, tailors, cobblers, enchanters, and so much more that he would never have seen even in Vale Town.

But the real surprises for him were still to come.

Teira had no city walls, but there were some ‘gates’ that one needed to pass to enter the inner city. The one in the north was an immense triumphal gate, made entirely of gleaming white marble, glittering silver, and expertly carved ivory. There were statues and sculpted reliefs that depicted a great victory by a past Thunder King, a victory that was long forgotten these days, but for this arch that spanned the entire road.

Passing through the arch, Leon frowned at something he noticed. “Hey, Charles.”

“What’s up?”

“There any reason I haven’t seen any guards since arriving in the city? Would’ve thought they’d be guarding that gate.”

“Oh yeah, all the guards in the city have been combing through the city in the past week or so. They don’t have enough people to search the entire city, so most of the guards in the slums were called into Teira proper to aid in the search.”

“What could be so important for them to do that?”

“We had a Paladin come through here recently, and one of his men-at-arms went missing. I heard he almost tore apart the south side looking for his guy. The Paladin had to leave a few days ago, but most of the guards that can be spared are still involved in the search.”

“Hmm.” Leon knew exactly what happened to that man-at-arms, though he’d never say. At least it looked like Roland wasn’t to blame for the attack, but he still wasn’t going to take any chances.

The main boulevard through the city was quite wide, enough to fit four large carriages side-by-side going in both directions. The street itself was far better than in the slums, with no cracks or pits. The median in the boulevard was filled with bushes, trees, and colorful flowers, and the buildings were all made of beautiful polished enchanted stone. It was quite the contrast compared to the other side of the triumphal arch.

The boulevard was straight as an arrow, and Leon could catch a few glimpses of the palace ruins in the distance in between the carriages, wagons, and pedestrians. It was quite easy to reach the bank from here, Leon and Charles simply walked to the edge of the palace ruins, then turn south-west towards the giant tower at the western point of the diamond-shaped estate.

Along the way, Charles asked what the Northern Vales were like, but Leon didn’t say much in response, so Charles began talking about where he grew up, which Leon found a little irritating, but given how little he knew of the city, he still considered Charles too useful to abandon.

From his chattering, Leon learned that Charles’ family was from the Serpentine Isles, a tributary state to the west of the Bull Kingdom, hundreds of miles out into the Endless Ocean. They had immigrated to the Bull Kingdom looking for work and ended up running a small mine to the east of Teira. Charles had left the tiny mining town for the big city when he was eighteen, but in the months that followed, he hadn’t made much of himself despite working in several places all over the city. Now, he was still living in an inn and could barely scrape together the money to eat and have a roof over his head.

Leon frowned a bit when Charles brought up his financial situation, prompting Charles to insist that he wasn’t looking for charity or sympathy and that if his situation were so poor that he’d have to beg for handouts to stay in the city, he could always go back home and work in the mine for a decent amount of silver.

It wasn’t long before they arrived at the Heaven’s Eye Tower. It was twenty stories tall, though from Charles had heard, it only had nine floors. It appeared to be made entirely of the same polished white stone that Leon had seen everywhere in the wealthier parts of the city and topped with a shallow dome of blue tiles.

The immense dark wood doors opened of their own accord at Leon and Charles’ approach, behind which was a lavishly decorated atrium and enormous lounge. Leon took it all in, the painted marble statues, spotless furniture, rows of elaborate support columns, an enormous crystal chandelier, and enough plush sofas and private booths to seat hundreds of people.

And then there were the people. About half of them were tremendously well-dressed, sporting almost more gold, silver, and jewelry than Leon had ever thought existed in the world. A few were even dressed in flowing robes or tunics and pants that Leon recognized were made of silkgrass.

The rest of the people in the lounge were clad in similar-looking black formal wear that had been tailored to show off their more attractive assets, something which these people had in great supply. The men wore tight-fitting tunics that greatly emphasized their waspy-thin waists and broad shoulders. The women wore long gowns that covered nearly everything, save for a modest cut to show off some of their chests. Both of these black uniforms were extremely form-fitting, leaving little to the imagination despite how much skin the clothes covered. These seemed to be the tower’s employees.

“Hey, so since you’ve got business here, I think I’ll just wait outside for you to be done, then I can show you the inn.” Charles was clearly uncomfortable and very out of place in such an opulent setting, and after Leon nodded in acknowledgment, he turned around and left as fast as he could without looking foolish.

Leon understood Charles’ reaction, but he was a still little upset over since he didn’t quite know where to begin, as there didn’t seem to be any receptionist waiting to help those who walk in. He awkwardly stood by the door, scanning the entire lounge area desperately looking for someone who might be able to help him with his business.

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To say that Elise was bored would’ve been to gravely understate her mood. She hated Teira and everything about it. Without House Raime to keep the peace and operate its ancient training grounds, Teira was nothing but a den of scheming nobles vying to succeed the old Archduke.

She’d been in the city for two years and found every noble who walked in through the Tower’s doors to be mediocre at best, not one managing to catch her attention for more than a few minutes. Hells, most of the time, the men that she met were too busy trying to get beneath her dress to care about stimulating conversation, which would only lead to their unceremonious dismissal from the Tower—she wasn’t around to cater to their pleasure—and given her status in Heaven’s Eye, she hadn’t even made any friends in the Tower, either.

But loneliness was familiar to her. Even in her mother’s palace back in the capital, she only had a handful of friends.

Still, she needed something to break up the monotony of her day-to-day life, something other than acting as a supervisor for the attendants for the Heaven’s Eye Tower in Teira. Standing in the back of the lounge directing attendants to new patrons was hardly stimulating work.

‘Maybe it’s time I went home…’ she thought to herself as she twirled a few strands of her red hair around one of her fingers, a little dejected at the thought.

But then, she noticed someone walk into the Tower, someone dressed in a coat of snow lion fur and clothes woven from silkgrass beneath. Someone dirty and dusty from the road, with a plain-looking sword at his waist and an aura powerful enough that she wasn’t able to identify what magical tier he was.

He was a young man, perhaps a few years younger than her, but not by much. He was tall, but not remarkably so, his face had strong and defined features, but he also had a boyish charm about him as he glanced around at the Tower, somewhat dumbstruck at his surroundings and clearly with no idea what he was doing.

“Who is that?” Elise heard a nearby male attendant wonder aloud, derision and disgust inundating his voice. She glanced over at the man—like all Heaven’s Eye attendants, he was tall, muscular, handsome, and strong. Physically perfect, but Elise found his attitude to be beyond unattractive.

“Huh, he’s cute, but he looks like someone tracked him in on the bottom of their shoe,” a female attendant whispered back.

“Should we call the guards? He clearly has no place being here…” the first attendant said.

“No, I think I can have some fun with him, if you know what I mean,” the second attendant replied.

“I wouldn’t recommend it, he looks dirty enough to give you something if you even get within ten feet of him.”

“No need to worry about that, I’ll just tease him a bit and then when he reveals that has no business here, I’ll have him removed.”

“Be careful, he doesn’t look like he’s a stranger to violence, he might attack you if you get too close… Hang on, let me get some guards on standby, just in case.”

Elise frowned. The female attendant was a mortal, a woman with no magical ability whatsoever, so she could somewhat forgive the woman’s lack of respect for someone so disheveled. The man, however, was a first-tier mage, and he should’ve realized that the young man they were talking about was much stronger than him, and not someone they should be so quickly disregarding.

The female attendant began walking forward without waiting for Elise to give her the go-ahead, which irritated Elise to no end. Besides, this young man was at least intriguing for having so much power at such a young age, and she could use the distraction that taking care of his business would provide.

“Wait,” she ordered, that one word causing the attendant to freeze in place with a nervous look on her face. “I’ll deal with him.”

Without waiting for a response from the rest of the flabbergasted attendants, Elise began walking toward the hapless young man.

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Leon stood in front of the doors for what felt like an eternity, unsure of what he should do. There didn’t seem to be anyone around who he could ask for help, and whenever he noticed someone looking at him, their expressions were usually filled with some kind of disgust or indifference. Even if he were of a mind to ask one of them, it seemed clear enough to Leon that he wasn’t going to get any help with this issue from the other patrons or their attendants.

Fortunately, maybe after only a minute or two after Charles left him at the door, Leon noticed someone walking in his direction. It was hard not to notice her, for she was turning heads of men and women alike with every sashaying step, and when he did see her, Leon’s heart just about skipped a beat.

She was, in a word, gorgeous, but that word alone wasn’t nearly strong enough to properly convey her beauty. If Leon had to guess, he’d say she was a few years older than him, but not by much. Her hair was as red as fire and seemed to emit as much light for how lustrous it was. Most of it had been pulled back into a loose ponytail, leaving just enough untied to frame her heart-shaped face. Her eyes were like glittering emeralds, her full lips were turned up in a shallow, but confident smile. She wasn’t particularly tall, but she held herself with such dignity and nobility that she seemed twice as tall as anyone else in the room.

She had a perfect hourglass figure that was shown off by a similar tight black dress that the other attendants wore, its fabric hugging her alluring curves in ways that made it seem designed to enflame lustful desire, yet also carried an air of dignity that Leon found somewhat intimidating. What was more, she radiated not only confidence and sex appeal, but also a robust second-tier aura that made it clear she different from the rest of the attendants, who were all either first-tier or mortal.

“Hello, Good Sir, welcome to Heaven’s Eye,” the woman said as she approached Leon, not a hint of disrespect to be found in her charming, almost singsong voice. She then came a little bit closer, almost to the point of making Leon feel uncomfortable, and gave him one of the most sultry, seductive smiles he’d ever seen, and said, “My name is Elise, and I’ll be your attendant. What business brings you here today?”

As she waited for Leon’s response, she leaned forward just enough to emphasize her tremendous bust and the deep cut of her dress’ neckline.

It took a moment for Leon to find his tongue under this stimulation, but fortunately, it seemed Elise was more than patient.

“… I… uh, I’m looking… to check in on… whatever is attached to this card…” he murmured, quickly averting his gaze from where Elise seemed to be trying to draw his attention, while simultaneously reaching into the inner pockets of his coat and drawing out his gold card.

When Elise didn’t speak for a moment and didn’t take his card, Leon glanced back at her, only to see a look of abject shock and surprise written on her face. But only a moment later—quickly enough that Leon doubted he saw that expression—it was gone, replaced with one that was both consummately professional and terribly friendly at the same time.

“And what is your name, Good Sir?” Elise breathed as she took his card and closely examined it. Before Leon could reply, she hid the card in the palm of her hand and she gave him such a searching, intrigued look that Leon felt like he’d made a terrible mistake.

He figured that telling her his name would only compound that mistake, but he didn’t know what else to say.

‘I need whatever is in those vaults, not matter what, and they’re not going to let me in if I say a false name…’

So, in the end, Leon mentally shrugged. He’d already unthinkingly told Charles his name earlier, and he had enough trust in the flawless reputation of the Heaven’s Eye Merchant Guild not to let something like that leak.

“My name is Leon.”

Elise smiled, then took a couple of steps forward and took Leon’s arm.

“Please come with me, Leon,” she sensually whispered, pulling on his arm until he followed her toward the elevator.

“I… can walk just fine,” Leon protested, trying to pull his arm from her grasp, but Elise only held on a little tighter.

“Please, Leon, I mean no harm,” Elise said, though she didn’t release his arm, instead continuing to steer him to the back of the lounge.

Leon was about to protest, but a quick scan of the lounge indicated that his treatment was in no way special. There were a few exceptions, but for the most part, the attendants were acting very familiar with their patrons, leaning in, indulging in light touching, or being touched in turn. One pair Leon noticed was a somewhat older noblewoman—or so she appeared—who even let her hand fall down to stroke the inner thigh of her male attendant, which he seemed more than happy to let continue.

“This is… a strange place…” he couldn’t help but murmur.

Beside him, Elise giggled, both at his statement and his stiff discomfort.

“We get that a lot,” she said. “This is a place for those who can afford our most expensive services, whether that’s blacksmithing, enchanting, or blood magic. We do our best to cater to our patrons’ needs, and our attendants have been trained extensively in socializing with those of the upper echelons of society.”

Leon frowned. He wasn’t entirely opposed to the ‘socialization’ that seemed to be happening here, but it wasn’t something he was eager to indulge in. Even Elise’s light grasp on his arm was almost too much.

Finally, though, Elise steered Leon through one of several large sets of double doors in the back of the lounge, which were then revealed to be the doors to magical lifts.

“We’re going to the seventh floor, where we’ll have a more private place to talk,” she said, flashing him another of her radiant and more than a little suggestive smiles.

Leon could only take a deep breath and quietly nod. If he were honest, he didn’t entirely hate Elise’s presence or her touch, but he was still put off by how familiar she was. That they were now going somewhere private left his emotional state a profoundly confusing mess of relief, uncomfortable, anxious, and excited.

All of these conflicting feelings were more than Leon could deal with, preventing him from responding to Elise, who laughed again, squeezed his arm, and then touched a few of the runes on a large and complex runic circle hovering as a light projection over the middle of the lift, causing the lift to spring to life and begin rising.

Looking at Elise through the corner of his eye, Leon quietly took another deep breath and asked himself, ‘What in all the hells have I gotten myself into?’

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And there it is. Not perfect, but I hope that you enjoyed it! I actually rewrote it twice over the weekend, but the first revision was so bad I deleted just about the entire thing and started over from where Charles left Leon. Let me know what you think! And please be honest! As I said above, it's going to be a long time before these rewrites see public release, so there's always more time to change things that just aren't working right!

To add a few of my thoughts: Elise is more in line with how she's presented later in the story, and Leon, while still awkward and socially inept, isn't quite as steamrolled by Elise as he was. More like effortlessly pushed over, but he's more vocal about his discomfort and it's made a bit clearer that he's not entirely having a bad time having a pretty girl pay so much attention to him.

I'm also a lot happier with the inclusion of Elise's viewpoint. It's not perfect, but it gives a little insight into why she approached Leon - her boredom, his power and age, and a bit of spite to the attendants who were dismissing him - rather than presenting her as a gold-digging whore, as she essentially was in the original chapter.

If I'm to be honest, part of that previous presentation was because Elise wasn't meant to be a permanent character. I wrote her as just a bit character, someone so completely opposite to Leon that he couldn't handle her attention and who wouldn't appear in the story again after Leon left the Tower in Teira.

Obviously, its execution was less than stellar, but I still decided that I liked that kind of relationship that could develop between them, with the two complementing each other and making up for the others' shortcomings - Leon handling magic and fighting, while Elise handles administration and socializing, and in doing so, the two help each other to grow, with Elise pushing Leon to grow more confident and social, while Leon pushes Elise to continue with her magical training and to become more ambitious to fuel her own growth. It's still not perfect by any means, but I'm much happier with how this rewrite turned out.

Thanks to all of you for your support, especially in these trying times. Please be safe, and I hope all of you enjoy what I have to show you next!

=)