Chapter 14 - Something Selfish

I was getting very sick of having to write messages that made me physically sweat. Between the coming outs, the apologies, the admissions of deep-seated guilt, texting was becoming my new least favorite pastime. The fact that this time it was an email didn’t make things any better. I’d spent hours reading and rereading it more times than I could count, tweaking every minute detail as though I were submitting a dissertation, not a resignation. Honestly, why the fuck did it even matter if it came off as awkward or clunky, or had a few comma splices? What were they gonna do, fire me? More realistically I was trying very hard to put it off, because frankly this felt like a very dumb idea. 

“Why even quit? What is so worth taking that risk?” I asked myself aloud for the umpteenth time. “What, you’re scared to have people see? You’re scared fuckin’ Ben in accounting is gonna snigger at you or check you out? Literally who gives a shit? Me, apparently. And so what if it’s not what you wanted to do with the rest of your life? it’s a good job, you have health insurance at least.” All that bellyaching had yet to actually accomplish anything; the email was still sitting there, written, but unsent. And I knew the real reason why; my insecurities loved to tell me I had no good reason, but frankly I needed a change of pace. I needed to do all those risky things I’d chosen not to do in college and immediately after, maybe take a page from Julie’s book and travel for a bit. I’d always wanted to see Asia, yet deliberately decided against applying for any of my university’s study abroad programs because what if I got too lonely or hated it or got sick or any number of excuses.

Besides, it wasn’t like I was really taking that big of a risk. I was going to be paid out for the three weeks I’d been given off to begin with, along with all of my accrued vacation hours and two weeks of severance pay as per company policy. I could totally afford to take a few months to myself, which, in and of itself made me feel kind of bad; there were plenty of people who couldn’t do that and probably needed it more than I. And I, of course, was still struggling to feel that I deserved anything at all. I was very lucky, after all. I’d been given my ideal body, had the romantic interest of an amazing woman, had friends who somehow were willing to put up with all of my self-destructive tendencies and hoo boy, here we go again. I needed to unspiral myself; luckily I’d found a neat little trick just after I got home from my visit with Julie and had an anxiety attack over allowing myself to be selfish. Breathing slow and deep, I walked across the room to the full length mirror I kept by the door and just -looked- at myself. No feeling quite compared to it. The idea of self-love seemed a little less daunting if that was my self. Not that I was suddenly ready to just forgive all the things I’d done or anything. 

I stood there for several moments, taking in the sight of my gorgeous form, internalizing the reality that I’d never have to go back ever again. That wherever I went, this is what the world would see; that someday soon I could be this girl and in a relationship with another girl. I flashed myself a little smile, just to feel the flutter of my heart, and returned to the desk with the knowledge that maybe, just maybe the person I was becoming was worth it, even if I still wasn’t so sure about who I used to be. With another slow, deep breath I closed my eyes and hit send. That was it, I was officially unemployed - well, not really, ‘cause my boss definitely was not checking his email at 11:30 on a Thursday, but still, it was officially out of my hands.

Setting aside the fact that my insides felt as though they were being simultaneously stretched to the point of snapping and compressed by the trash chute from A New Hope, all while being tossed about in an industrial washing machine, I actually felt pretty okay with my choice. I didn’t really like the job that much anyway, and while I didn’t particularly have an alternative in mind yet, that seemed like the perfect thing to think about while taking a break to ‘find myself” or whatever. 

I stood from my desk, pushing the doubt from my mind quite successfully and flopped onto my bed. “Something selfish,” I mused in a contemplative murmur. Perhaps it would be best to start small; what did I want right now? It would be nice to not be alone in my room with nothing but my untrustworthy thoughts, but I still didn’t feel up to facing my housemates. And, well, Julie and I had parted on fairly decent terms, but the thought of spending much more time with her kind of hurt. I was, after all, still very attached. That left one, very obvious candidate. And, truth be told, I did really want to hear Sophie’s voice, to tell her that I really was trying to be better and that it seemed to be working, slowly but surely. Would she be okay with that? 

More importantly, did that matter? I was being selfish, wasn’t I? Deciding of my own volition that I was ready to talk to her again and asking for her support, not because I needed her to process my feelings for me, but because I thought spending time with her to bounce my feelings off of her would help me feel better at the very least sounded like self-care. Besides, Sophie did offer herself as a support if necessary. And also, fuck it, I was proud of myself for how far I’d come today; there was a long way to go and a lot of lingering doubt eating at the edges, but I deserved to trust my own judgment for once. And my judgment told me to call Sophie. Admittedly, I had already found her contact and hit dial midway through my justification fest, but it was a good distraction. The phone rang twice, and some stupid anxious part of my brain told me she was ignoring me, then she picked up. 

“Avery, hey.” Sophie sounded more than a little happy to hear from me; that, at least, was a good sign. “I was kind of worried about you, I’ve been feeling a little guilty about the way I handled things this morning. And then you didn’t text me back and I was really worried I’d just made things worse for you by cutting your lifeline in me and, uh, well, how are you doing?”

“Surprisingly, not that bad. It’s been an eventful day, to say the least. Had a few heart to hearts, including Julie, things were a bit tense, but I think we’re going to be alright. And, well, I’m trans, Sophie. I’m sure of it now. I’m a woman.” I found myself grinning at that last part, it just felt so nice to say aloud. 

“Avery, that’s really great to hear. I’m proud of you.” I shuddered with delight, tingles and little flutters all up and down my body in response. Was that bad? Maybe I hadn’t come as far as I thought I had if my fulfillment was so closely linked to her approval. Could I really allow myself to be separate from her entirely for as long as it took to get through this? In that moment my dumbass brain did something helpful for a change and conjured the image of Sophie’s face aglow with delight the moment I told her I liked her. Some little, helpful part of my mind pointed out that feeling good when someone you care about says something nice to you isn’t a sign of emotional dependency and - oh, shit, Sophie was still talking. “- really sounded like you two had a breakthrough based on the text she sent me; she didn’t seem mad at me, either, then again she’s always been good at not letting her emotions get the best of her. I’m guessing she was pissed, but also deep down still wanted to keep the peace. Was that the impression you got?” 

“I uh, yeah. Yeah, I did, actually, she was definitely pissed off but we love each other, you know? We need time apart, but talking to her really helped. She actually gave me some really good advice.” That felt nice to say aloud; Julie really was amazing.

“Oh? Do tell,” she replied. 

“To look out for myself, to not worry so much about doing what others want and to do what I want. And I was thinking, I want to see you. Maybe go for a drive somewhere and get away from the city for a bit. Is that alright? I could use you as a sounding board.” For a moment I held my breath, half expecting her to get mad, or just tell me she didn’t want to see me.

“I’d like that.” Hopefully she didn’t actually hear my drawn out exhale of relief. The light giggle I heard on the other end suggested otherwise though.

Not twenty minutes later, I was sitting in Sophie’s car, praying for the A/C to hurry up and kick in, even late as it was, but otherwise basking in her presence. We had said little, and I still wasn’t exactly sure what our relationship was, but when I first slid inside she reached across the seat to squeeze my hand affectionately. She gave me a soft, devoted smile that certainly didn’t help me break the aforementioned silence; instead, my entire everything was a little caught up melting in its glow. We took the 90 southeast toward the mountains, finding a nice spot to park at Snoqualmie Point, and climbed out onto the hood of her car. Sophie lay a blanket beneath us and, to my surprise, pulled me in close.

“I thought we were gonna hold off doing, y’know, this.” My hand made a sweeping gesture to indicate our position, but that didn’t stop my head from tucking neatly into the crook of her neck.

“We both wanted to, Avery. If I’m wrong you can tell me, but you seem to really be taking everything I said this morning seriously. I’m not saying we jump right back to where we were, but this is nice.” Sophie nuzzled the top of my head affectionately, and I brought my gaze up to meet hers. We stayed like that for a moment, gazing into one another’s eyes; it all felt very overdone. That wasn’t to say it wasn’t welcome. “Can I kiss you?” For a moment I wasn’t sure I’d actually heard her right, but the way her eyes flitted down to my lips told me what I needed to know. I nodded silently, and our lips met in an exploratory kiss. This one was far slower, far more cautious than the explosive kisses we’d shared this morning, but it was also safe and warm and soft. It made me feel things I knew for certain weren’t the product of confusion or post-breakup neediness. We broke away and shared a fit of laughter together, echoing into the still night air, then lay back to simply gaze ever upward. 

“So I wanted to talk, to bounce some ideas off you and hear what you think.” I started slowly, choosing my words carefully. As much as I knew Sophie was not about to simply write off all my progress from a simple misstep, I still felt tense even broaching the subject. Like all that progress I’d made might be swallowed up by her mere presence. I was so caught up in my own worries that I nearly missed her telling me to go ahead.

“So I quit my job and I know that sounds like a terrible idea but also maybe I needed to do it and it kind of felt very freeing and I need someone to tell me I’m not being insane.” My words came out in a continuous pour, filling the air without pause or hesitation. Sophie laughed a little, looking a little incredulous for a moment before nodding her head thoughtfully.

“Well, I’ll tell you one thing. Jay never would have done that. Which I imagine makes it pretty scary, but you’re clearly taking Julie’s advice to heart. Maybe it was stupid, but something tells me you’re okay with making a few mistakes along the way. Or at the very least trying to be okay with it, even if you aren’t now.” I relaxed a little, she was right. And not in the this is what I want you to think kind of way, more in the let me turn your feelings into actual words and validate you kind of way.

“I was thinking I’d take a few months off, maybe hop on a plane to somewhere far away. I think I need to be away from home for a bit and figure out who I am before I start spending time with Julie and everyone back home again. I kind of wound up spiraling when I spoke to Alan and I think I need to forgive myself before those relationships can move forward, plus well, Julie and I need time apart. I know that kind of sucks for you, for us, but when I come back we can, y’know.” I trailed off, suddenly very worried I was going to hurt Sophie. At first I’d thought she would be glad to hear my plan, but with how close she’d been acting, maybe she didn’t want us to be apart after all.

“Well, it’s honestly not what I had in mind at first, but travel might work. It’ll give you plenty of time to think, get out of your comfort zone, enjoy yourself for a change. Just promise me you’re not gonna be one of those gross tourists who goes around acting like a tool and pretending that seeing some elephants or sitting in a temple made you #findyourself and fed your #wanderlust paid for by #daddysmoney. Also, don’t use this as a substitute for actual professional mental health care, please.” I rolled my eyes a little.

“You’re joking, right? You know I wouldn’t do that stuff and also I have my own damn money thank you very much. You’re doing the big sister thing.” 

“Big sister thing? I’m sorry, do you think of me, the woman you literally had sex with this morning, as a sister?” I could tell from her smirk that she was absolutely reveling in that retort.

“Ugh, no, not at all. It’s just, you know, you’re trying to give me this sage wisdom and also being all protective and also being a smartass about it. Like a sister would.” I could tell right away that didn’t satisfy her urge to viciously torment me over my admittedly stupid choice of words.

“Question. Was Julie your little sister? Perhaps Elle is like a mother?” She was never going to let me live this down, was she?

“Shut up.” We both burst into fits of laughter, then, in a moment of revelry, shared another kiss.

“Incestuous,” she whispered as we broke away, and I couldn’t stop myself from falling into another fit of giggles.

“Okay, I’m a dumbass, you’ve proven your point. Anyway, I’m not going to be an asshole American tourist. I know this kind of seems like I’m going to go over to the other side of the world expecting it to deeply change me on a spiritual level or whatever stupid shit those white backpackers in yoga pants talk about, but really I’m doing it because I want to. I wanted to in college and I didn’t cause I was scared.”

“And you’re not scared anymore?” she asked.

“No, I’m definitely still scared, but I’m gonna do it. Honestly, I’m hoping this will be a break from all this agonizing over personal growth and relationships, not some quick fix solution to solve everything. I want to enjoy myself for once, take care of myself as Julie suggested.” That felt like as much an admission to myself as to her. Deep down I knew time off alone, regardless of what nice thing I chose to do for myself, wasn’t going to magically fix the things I’d done. But doing something nice might let me heal enough to go the rest of the distance.

“That actually sounds pretty healthy then, as long as you’re still going to seek actual therapy. You’ll have a lot of time to think, get out of your comfort zone. I’m excited for you, Avery. Kind of jealous, to be honest.” Sophie grew quiet, seeming to find her own thoughts to contemplate for the moment.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to ignore professional help. Actually, the first thing I did when I got home after Julie and decided to quit my job was call a therapy group that catered to people with low income. The waitlist is long, but I’m on it, and they do remote visits, so if a slot opens up while I’m traveling I’ll be able to take it.” Sophie fixed me with another thoughtful gaze, and after a brief silence filled only by the sounds of the night, she asked me something I’d never once imagined her asking.

“Maybe I sound crazy right now, but do you have room for one more? It sounds fun, traveling I mean. We don’t have to be a couple or anything, we’ll just let whatever this is progress at a pace we’re both comfortable with and, well, there’s no reason I can’t work while we’re on the go; I’m still basically all remote freelance work.” From the way her round eyes and wistful smile bore into mine it was very clear she seemed to genuinely be asking, not as a suggestion to come along, but in the hopes she wouldn’t be in the way of my own growth.

“Wait, really? I thought you wanted space and for me to figure this out on my own. That’s not to say it doesn’t sound lovely, but I need to be by myself. I need to learn not to rely on other people.” Was that guilt I felt? Getting away from her, from everyone else’s influence until I became better was kind of the point. It didn’t make any sense for her to flip so suddenly.

“I know you really took everything I said this morning to heart, and I’m glad, but sometimes I can be a dumbass, too. I don’t think anything I said this morning was exactly wrong, you needed to figure some of this stuff out on your own, but I took it too far.” I couldn’t help but interject; I wasn’t going to let Sophie blame herself for anything.

“Hey, listen, I kind of felt that way too at first. I was mad at you when I got home, but I think this has been good for me; I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this.” She flashed me a grateful smile.

“That’s a relief to hear, honestly, but seeing how much work you’ve put into yourself in just a day is making me think I didn’t give you enough credit. It was wrong of me to just throw you into the deep end and hope you could learn how to swim without a lifejacket, but you’re doing it.” I was having trouble seeing her point; this all seemed like a good thing.

“What are you worried about, then? I understand maybe you feel a little bad, but you said it yourself, I’m doing well.” 

“And I think you’re maybe a little too well, Avery; you don’t need to stop relying on everyone else, hell, from the way it sounds, you wouldn't even be here as you are right now without everyone else helping you get there. It just kind of sounds like you’re choosing to push yourself away when things get tough.” She lightly, affectionately brushed her thumb along my cheek and I found myself looking away, I felt a little ashamed. I kind of had been, in a sense just hoping to go on a trip, be away from all of my friends and somehow come back better without them.

“I guess maybe I am kind of trying to escape other people, but with everything going on, it feels like the right thing to do. I need time away from them, Sophie. Time to look inward and understand the ways I’ve been toxic to the people I care about.” That, at the very least she seemed to agree with.

“There’s clearly some hurt there you need to unpack, but do you feel that way about me, too? Because, Avery, I think I want to come along just as much for myself as for you. One thing I didn’t tell you earlier and I wish I had is that, well, you’re good for me. You weren’t the only one having a tough time this morning, I was a nervous mess and I felt like a creepy asshole, but you helped me work through that, helped me accept my feelings for you as valid and not manipulative. So give yourself some credit, you’re not just some inherently toxic person.” She actually, really genuinely seemed grateful, if felt good.

“I kind of needed to hear that, thanks.”

“I’m glad, because I don’t want you to punish yourself because of everything I told you; I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if all that talk just led to you being a more isolated person in the end.” Her face was close now, but not in that sensual, seductive way I was used to. Her gaze was pensive, nervous. For the first time since before all this business with SRD, Sophie felt like the small one, the vulnerable one. I could see a lot of myself in her admission; we were both just scared twentysomethings, not sure what we were going to do with the rest of our lives. Helping each other find that out together didn’t seem like the worst idea.

“Well, I suppose I can’t stop you from buying a plane ticket to wherever I decide to go, or from booking a room at the same hotels as me, or from booking a room with a queen sized bed.” I flashed her a small, flirtatious grin, running my tongue along my teeth and bouncing my eyebrows, before cupping her face and growing more sober. “But I’m still a little worried okay? We need to both agree that if we start getting codependent, we’ll take some time apart, even if that means going off somewhere without each other.” Sophie nodded a little, then a thought seemed to cross her mind and she had to stifle a laugh.

“Jeez, now who’s the big sister?” Of course, that cheeky little shit.

“Fuck you.” I laughed, pulling myself in closer to her.

“Maybe later, for now though, let’s enjoy the night, my dear. It’s lovely out. The air is warm, the sky is clear, the stars tonight are big and bright, and you have a really, really nice rack.”