Searching for Normal, Chapter 13 - A Way Forward

 It took Julie a moment to recognize that yes, really, the woman approaching her was indeed her ex. I didn’t think the changes overnight had been that extensive, but perhaps she was merely airing on the side of caution. I, on the other hand, was struggling to keep my insides from tearing right out of me and sprinting the entire way home. Somehow I managed to not trip, or freeze, or have a panic attack when she waved at me, and before I was able to make another excuse, I seated myself. We shared a silence, one I quickly found myself unable to break, despite knowing I should. I was the one who called her here, I was the one who told her I needed to talk to her, it was only right for me to say something, anything, but I couldn’t. Instead I was left watching the confused, swirling emotions that played across Julie’s face shift and change. It was like watching a roulette wheel of her emotions, where would it land? Anger, sadness, frustration, surprise, confusion, round and round we go. 

“Avery, are you actually with me? Ground yourself okay?” Concern, wasn’t expecting that one but it could have been a lot worse. I nodded, slowly, eyes closed, breathing deep.

“I’ll be okay, that’s why we’re here right? To try and make things okay? Also, thanks for using my new name without reminder. I’m sure that’s kind of hard for you, just salt in the wound.” We shared a smile, and for a moment it didn’t feel like I was about to ruin any hope of friendship.

“Avery, of course. I don’t really fully understand what happened with your journey and how all that played out, but I’m so, so glad you have a body that’s a better fit for you. It’s not my place to question that, even if it did come as a bit of a shock.” That was it? No wishing I could still be a guy for her, no wondering if SRD somehow fucked with my head given everything we’d been through together, no nothing? She definitely sounded sad, though, there was tension in her voice, a wavering, a hidden bite forced beneath the surface of her approval.

“Thank you, Julie. You’re amazing. And I mean, I guess that’s the point. I don’t deserve you after what I’ve done, and Jay never deserved you. I’m going to try to be a better person, someone who belongs in your life and won’t hurt you anymore, but I’m worried that it’s too late.” I was choking on my words by the end, as Julie’s face twisted in ways more and more anxious, frustrated, worried.

“Why are you talking about yourself like that? I don’t like you saying you didn’t deserve me, I love you, Avery. I’m having a hard time with you right now, but that’s not your fault. We were bound to break up, it was inevitable because of my stupid sexuality. That doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I loved the person you were and frankly I’m not interested in hearing you tell me I made the wrong choice when I chose you. You clearly have something on your mind, tell me what it is.” She reached her hand across the table to take mine, squeezing it lightly, wiping away the tears forming in her eyes with the other. I took a deep breath, in and out, and silently prayed this wouldn’t be the end.

“Last night after I left I called Sophie. She took me back to her place, she comforted me, she helped me feel better and then just before we went to sleep we kissed. Then this morning we - we had sex. It wasn’t just sex either, it really meant something to both of us I think, and I’m just sorry. I betrayed you.” She withdrew her hand slowly, gaze cast downward. When she responded her voice was weak, 

“Is there anything else?” 

“Afterward Sophie told me I needed to work on myself, to stop relying on my loved ones to do all my emotional labor for me, people like her, like you. I’m trying to do just that. I’m trying to put him behind me, more and more I'm trying to be better as Avery.” Almost comically, our server chose that moment of all moments to make her introductions, Julie fixed her with a glare that was clearly meant for me, and she nearly ran to her next table. Her face twisted in a regretful wince, Julie clearly didn’t mean to scare the poor girl, but neither of us were in any mood to welcome another interruption. Slowly, she turned that gaze back to me, suddenly I felt quite a bit of kinship with our server. I wouldn’t run, though. I couldn’t, this was a storm I needed to weather.

“When the first thing you did after breaking up with me was have sex with Sophie, was that Jay or Avery? Who did that? Who was it that ran straight into her arms the moment we broke up? Who was it that completely externalized all the shitty things she ever did onto her old self as though that were someone else? Cause that certainly wasn’t Jay.” Her tone was surprisingly even, but not without a cutting directness. 

“I don’t know, I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to take responsibility.” She scoffed.

“Then stop pretending like getting a new name and a new body gives you a clean slate, you did a shitty thing. Jay did, Avery did, you did.” Why couldn’t she just understand that I wasn’t him anymore? Even if it took me some time to turn over this new leaf, even if there were going to be road bumps along the way I had every intention of remaking myself.

“You don’t get it, I just hate the person I was. I hate how I hurt the people around me by ignoring them, I hate how I hurt you by starting something with Sophie while the wound was still fresh. If you can’t forgive me for what I did then I accept that, but I can’t move past this.” A small cough next to us alerted the two of us to the presence of a new server. This one was a guy, he was bigger, a little older, probably a little more experienced. Was this somehow supposed to appease us? 

Julie seemed about ready to burst, so in the most annoyed tone I could muster I looked him straight in the eye and let him have it. “Listen, I know your boss probably put you up to this, so go tell them we are clearly not interested in people interrupting this very private conversation. Leave us alone, we’ll tip well.” He scurried off to the back, and Julie and I shared an almost self-satisfied glance. “What was I saying? Ah, right. Julie I understand if you never want to see me again. I’m not here for your forgiveness, I just know I can’t grow without having this conversation with you.” She wasted no time going right for the throat once again.

“And why is that? What do you expect out of this conversation? You want me to yell at you and tell you I hate you and that you’re a terrible person? You’re just trying to do some bullshit repentance and rebirth through suffering and I’m not playing along with your stupid game. 

You can’t draw a hard line between you before and you after. Hating Jay is you hating yourself, accept that, and then fucking stop it.” I tried very hard to find a way for her to be wrong, but that was an exercise in futility. Instead I just found myself sinking into the realization that I’d let another woman dig up my problems for me when I couldn’t see them on my own. What was the point of this if I wasn’t ever going to improve on my own?

“I’m just doing it all over again, I’m relying on others to carry my emotional burdens for me.” She seemed to soften a little, but the hurt was still present.

“Honestly? I don’t think that’s the case. Look, I am pissed at you, what you did sucked. But you had, you still have a lot going on. And what you’re doing here, you’re trying. You told me we needed to meet, you told me what was on your mind. Alan and I were texting earlier, he said the two of you had a proper heart to heart that you initiated. You’re putting in the work Avery, and there’s nothing wrong with getting people to tell you you’re being an idiot when you come to them for help. And let’s be honest here, that’s the real reason we’re both here. We both need one another’s help to heal. I don’t think Sophie would disagree about any of that, and I highly doubt she set you loose on your own with literally no indication that she would help if you got stuck.” God she could read me like a book. And here she was, somehow, actually being nice to me. I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat, struggling to meet her gaze. Anger I could take, but this? Empathy? Compassion? I wasn’t sure I deserved any. I found myself reaching for our untouched menus just for something, anything else to look at besides Julie. I got about half way through the first item when I realized the mistake I made and quickly set it down, scanning the room for wouldbe interrupters, then returning my gaze to Julie. 

“So what should I do? I need to make it up to them, make it up to you, or at least do something to earn forgiveness. I’ve hurt you all too much.” I felt like one of those spinny carnival rides. I’d tossed myself around in circles in a disorienting mess of uncertainty, and after all that here I was, in the same fucking place as before.

“Well, that’s a tough question, but this whole time you’ve been focusing on helping everyone else, which, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good you are trying to be conscious of these things and improve, but to me it sounds like Sophie didn’t want you to help us or attone for your past mistakes, she wanted you to help yourself. You’re putting so much emotional energy into punishing yourself for slights that were caused by your own unwillingness to step outside your comfort zone, and your response is to withdraw back into that isolation until you’re better? How exactly do you plan on getting better doing the same things you used to do?” Geez, was she a mind reader?

“I don’t know, I just can’t let myself hurt them anymore.” 

“But hiding from the people you care about is literally the cause of the problem and you know that. You’re not helping yourself by doing that, and you’re still just hurting everyone else.” That sounded a lot like a realization I’d come to on my own, why couldn’t I have just learned the right lesson the first time? Oh, right, it’s cause I sank into a spiral of self loathing after talking to Alan. A spiral I’d likely be drawn back into with more and more reminders of my past failings.

“I don’t disagree, but right now the idea of me spending time with all of them more just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I basically spent an entire year avoiding them more and more, pushing them away, relying more and more on Sophie while the people I literally lived with were left to speculate on everything going on with me. Even if they don’t hold it against me I still do. And maybe you’re right that I shouldn’t, but I still do, and until I don’t being around them is going to hurt.” It took me a moment to realize that sounded like a real, actual issue. A concrete thing that wasn’t just me setting myself up for failure. Was I actually being honest with myself?

“Well, maybe you should just do something selfish for once. That’s what this is supposed to be about isn’t it? You helping yourself. Do something constructive for yourself, put your own needs first. It sounds to me like that’s what the issue has been the whole time.” I was about to tell her how confusing her point was when we both caught movement out the corners of our eyes. This time it was definitely the restaurant owner, he was dressed for an apology tour. To upstage the waiters he probably thought had done a poor job. The things we said to that, poor, poor man. It seemed to work though, nobody wanted to get near our table. I made a mental note to throw in a little extra for the trouble if we ever actually got to eating. There were more pressing matters, though. Namely that somehow Julie felt the solution to all this was to be even more of a self-centered jerk?

“What are you talking about, I’ve been selfish this whole time?” She seemed to consider her words carefully for a moment, then gave a little nod to herself, seemingly satisfied with her point.

“Alright, well maybe I’m splitting hairs here, but before you were self destructive. You say you can’t help yourself by spending more time with the people you hurt because it brings up bad feelings, then spend time doing something actually really, truly good for yourself, even if you don’t feel like you’re allowed to, or you think others wouldn’t want you to.” She seemed a little apprehensive toward the end of her point. Curiously so.

“You sound like you’re speaking for experience.” Her reaction was impossible to miss. There was definitely something she hadn’t told me.

“I guess I kind of am, ah, shit. You know after this story we might both be pissed at each other.” I raised an eyebrow expectantly. “Prague. That was my selfish thing. I never mentioned, but when I got accepted into the program, that same day I also had a job offer come up locally. A really good one: benefits, lots of potential for growth, the whole shebang. If I took that job I could have just stayed in Seattle, stayed with you. We could have gotten that apartment together like we were thinking. We never would have broken up. But I had to know, Avery. I had to know before I settled down with you that I wasn’t missing something else, that I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to travel, to meet new people, to take risks. So I did. I did a selfish thing that hurt you, and I felt bad for doing that, but I don’t regret it. And now, knowing that it wouldn’t have worked out in the end at all I’m eternally thankful I took that risk for myself.” I wasn’t sure how to process everything I’d just heard. I tried reaching for understanding, but all I found was that pain and loneliness I’d felt on all those days without her.

“You could have stayed? Do you have any idea how much it hurt me when you left? Do you have any idea how much I missed you every day? How lonely I was? How not a day went by I didn’t wish I’d gotten down on my knees and begged you not to leave? How can you know that if you’d stayed things would be the same? Things could have happened differently, we could have been happy together that whole time, you’d have a job, you’d have me, maybe - maybe I wouldn't have gotten SRD and completely destroyed our relationship if you’d stayed.” She had a look as though this was a conversation she’d likely meant to have for a long, long time. Like she’d rehearsed her parts on more than a few sleepless nights. Though probably not what came next. 

“And what, Avery? Leave you in that body you now seem to hate? Leave you to repress those feelings? Even if it were somehow possible that you wouldn’t have gotten SRD you’d still be Avery, deep down. You’d be miserable. No, we don’t get to need each other the way we have, not anymore. I felt that same pain you did, I second guessed my decision every day. But now I’m so, so glad I put myself first. I helped myself. You should too."