Epilogue - I Met Normal, He’s an Asshole

June 29th, 7:39 PM. Seatac International Airport, Seatac, Washington, United States:

Alan had agreed to drive, since his car was the only one with enough seats. In the days leading up to the departure I’d managed to, at the very least meet with and have a few productive conversations with my housemates. That culminated in a surprisingly pretty nice dinner just before we set off for the airport. There was no guilt or reproach, no awkwardness about my new self. Everyone was just excited for us and begging that we take plenty of pictures everywhere we went.

And so, standing at the terminal dropoff point, our goodbyes were surprisingly bittersweet. I hadn’t really forgotten, but the experience of spending time with all of them had grown unfamiliar, distant. They’d become background characters in my life, but standing on the sidewalk, hugging and waving I found myself actually pretty excited to rebuild those relationships when we returned.

As everyone piled back into the car one by one, I found myself standing alone with Julie. Complex emotions were playing across her face as she seemed to be simultaneously sad, proud and surprisingly anxious. I could tell there was something on her mind, so I gleaned to Sophie, motioning her to give us some space.

“Something on your mind?” I laid my hand on her arm gently, guiding her closer. Ever since our day trip together things with her had seemed so much better, but the lingering tension never went away. Sophie was beyond wonderful, but for so long I had been convinced Julie was the one. It still sucked somedays to wake up and realize she wouldn’t be there next to me.

“Yeah. A lot of things, as usual. I guess it’s just that this is goodbye for some unknown amount of time and it seems silly, but I guess I wish there was more closure. Body notwithstanding you’ve changed so much over the past several days. And in a good way. I like who you’re becoming and I’m sad I couldn’t be what you needed.” She spoke with a certain deliberateness that carried itself with restless emotion, almost as though she’d practiced over and over to be sure I understood. And I did, the bittersweet reality was that our breakup, no matter how painful, was instrumental in my own growth.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself for that. The breakup was out of both our hands. And I hope you’re not comparing yourself to Sophie. She’s been great for me, but she’s not the solution. You know what I really need?” I paused a little for effect, a small grin playing across my lips. “A therapist, maybe some pills too. I’m done putting the entire weight of my emotional journey on my partners. Hopefully I’ll be able to start seeing one remotely soon.” We shared a quiet, melancholy laugh and I pulled her into an embrace.

Dramatic farewells don’t work how they do in movies, time didn’t slow down, the bustle around us didn’t fade as we were sucked into the moment, but it was nice all the same. We pulled away from one another, but stayed close together, sharing quiet comfort. “I’ll miss you.” I assured her, she nodded. Her eyes searched my face with mixed emotion, lingering on my lips for far too long.

“Julie?” I called softly, her gaze snapped up, eyes wide and guilty.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to do it, I just. I don’t know I can’t explain it but I kind of wanted to and, god dammit. I’m sorry, I promised myself over and over again I wasn’t going to make this weird.” She was fighting back tears now as she spoke in a choked, hurried tone.

“What? - But Julie, you’re straight.” That was hardly a productive answer but it’s all my brain could come up with.

“I am, I don’t know, I’m sorry that was way out of line. I haven’t been able to get this out of my head for days now. I just, I know I’m not sexually attracted to you, I know I definitely don’t want what we tried the night we broke up. But Avery, I still love you. I think I’m still attracted to you in a non-sexual way and well, I dunno I still love you. And I’m not talking about platonic love.”

“Julie I-,” I tried to find more, but nothing I could think of even remotely sounded like a good response.

“Avery please don’t. Not for me, I’m sorry. You’re with Sophie now, and unlike me she can actually be with you physically instead of just emotionally. You have a plane to catch, don’t miss it on my account.” She gently pried herself away from me, and took a heavy breath. I reached out one last time to lightly squeeze her arm/

“We’re not finished talking about this, okay? I’ll call you from the other side of the world.” I smiled faintly at her, and turned to leave.

“Hey!” Julie called, I glanced over my shoulder. “Enjoy your trip, yeah?”

* * *

June 30th, 4:21 AM. Denver International Airport, Denver Colorado, United States:

Flying was bullshit. This was hardly new information. But picking a cheaper flight that happened to have a layover in the opposite direction of our destination seemed a lot more tolerable when we weren’t three hours into a five hour layover, with too many to go before our destination. At least the terminal was empty, and Sophie’s lap made a nice pillow. I didn’t have the energy to think about what happened with Julie, so I didn’t. Instead I just focused on how Sophie’s fingers felt while they idly ran through my hair, nail brushing my scalp lightly. I closed my eyes, sleep came surprisingly easy.

* * *

July 1st, 10:02 PM: Taipei, Taiwan:

Jet lag didn’t have shit on me, though one could argue my sleep schedule was already pretty out of whack to begin with, and also I’d spent most of the trip sleeping on Sophie’s shoulder. Speaking of which, Sophie was not a great plane sleeper, but for now caffeine and excitement served as energy enough to get out and enjoy the night. We waded through the night-market, hand in hand, taking each and every opportunity to try some new mystery food, pursue little shops and, of course, pumped way too much money into those fun gashapon capsule toy dispensers brought in from Japan. We’d steal quick kisses while waiting in lines, and share private jokes that left us gasping with laughter still barely audible over the din of the crowd.

Every once in a while there would be an odd look or two. We stood out enough being western tourists, and while websites said Taiwan was generally considered fairly queer friendly, there was still a ways to go. Not like the same couldn’t be said for back home. Despite that, I felt no anxiety, not shame or discomfort. I was just happy to be there with the woman I was falling for, happy to take a break from my problems for a while. I’d earned it, after all.

* * *

July 23rd, 11:30 AM: Da Nang, Vietnam:

Sophie was a madwoman, renting a motor-scooter was a great way for our trip to end in the hospital. But fuck, it was fun. We zipped through the city streets, weaving between cars and other bikes, just barely missing pedestrians wading into the sea of vehicles unphased, wind whipping our hair, my grip tight around Sophie's waist, clinging for dear life. It was sort of like being in a mosh pit, except the goal wasn’t to get hit. We rounded a bend, Sophie caught sight of our destination, pulled in sharply and came to a skidding halt. For what it’s worth, the restaurant was definitely worth driving across town for. As we polished off our meal, Sophie wryly asked if I wanted to give driving a shot. I stood for a moment in contemplation, then grinned back, why not?

* * *

August 19th, 9:29 PM, Osaka, Japan:

We had needed a break. As it turned out traveling nonstop could really wear a person down, especially with company. At around a month in, Sophie and I started fighting on and off for about a week. It was then we decided to just settle for a bit. To stay put and try being as close to a normal couple as we could for a bit. So we found a little guesthouse with a spare room, and put down some roots, albeit shallow ones. Sophie was pretty much set, her work could be done from anywhere, but if I didn’t want to run out of money I’d need to find something. Luckily people paid handsomely enough for english tutors.

We’d been living like that for a few weeks: helping out the hosts, taking romantic little day trips to Kyoto, making just enough to support ourselves. It was nice, it was peaceful. People talk big about going on grand adventures to see the world, but there was something to be said about picking a new place and becoming intimately familiar with it. We found shops we never would have as in and out tourists, met people, made friends.

At some point during our trip it became this little unspoken rule that everywhere we went I’d try to do one thing outside of my comfort zone. I ate bugs in Cambodia, tried corner store rice whisky and danced with some local girls in a Thai nightclub, drove a fucking motorcycle. I mean, realistically it was a scooter, but it was still a two wheeled vehicle that went fast and could kill us.

All of that was fun was liberating. But there was something to be said about building a new comfort zone instead of pushing the boundaries of my old one. Back home I never would have tried to find a job through social networking alone. I never would have gone out of my way to have conversations with strangers at bars and parks. I never would have gone off to a karaoke bar by myself, made friends with the bartender, then barhopped til dawn with her once her shift ended. All that came so naturally here, felt so typical. I wouldn’t have called myself immersed in the culture, but I was certainly immersed in living there. I was even a known regular at a few restaurants. It was cool, a new little community for me to exist in.

That wasn’t to say I didn’t want to still push myself further out of my comfort zone in the process of making this new one, though. And laying in bed, my head on Sophie’s chest, recovering from a passionate lovemaking session I decided now might be the right time.

“Hey Sophie?” I called softly. Her eyes fluttered open.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” That felt so good to say, so much easier than I thought it would be, nevertheless as stupid as it seemed I couldn’t help feeling a little tense in waiting for her reply.

“Love you too.” She said it like it was the most casual thing in the world.

“Hey, wait, just like that?” I interjected.

“Just like what?” She propped herself up on an elbow and looked down at me curiously.

“I just told you I loved you, you’re acting like it’s no big deal.” My tone was incredulous, with a healthy dose of pouting.

“And? We’ve loved each other for a while now. I say it every night before we go to sleep. I mean of course it’s important I don’t want to trivialize it. But the mundanity of it is kind of part of what makes it special. Loving you is an everyday thing, a fact of life.” She ruffled my hair affectionately and started to settle, but I wasn’t having that.

“That’s totally different, Sophie I - I mean I love you. Like as a girlfriend. As someone I want to be with for a very, very long time.” For a moment the only response Sophie could muster was confused blinking.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant too? Did you think this whole time I meant it platonically? You’re kind of dense, babe.” She giggled, scooping me up tightly and bringing her face close, nuzzling my cheek. “But that’s okay, I love you too, Avery.” Fuck.

* * *

October 29th, 7:03 PM, Osaka, Japan

Fall was gorgeous, I’d never seen colors this vibrant in Seattle’s wet, gloomy autumns. But we were well rested and getting a little tired of the cooler weather. The heat was too familiar now. We weren’t sure where to yet, but it was getting about time to move on. Maybe it was the temperature, maybe the prospect of leaving our new temporary home put my mind elsewhere, maybe it was because fall was her favorite season, but Julie had been on my mind lately.

We’d spoken a few times since the trip started, though she seemed completely unwilling to broach the subject of what happened at the airport. Still, I could tell she kind of wanted to. And after a quiet day, then a nice intimate dinner, I decided to share my thoughts with Sophie.

“Babe, this may seem kind of out of left field, but, are we monogamous?” After a pause, Sophie quirked an eyebrow in bemusement.

“Hmm, well we did have a threesome two weeks ago, so I guess not entirely? But something tells me that’s not what you mean. Did someone here catch your eye? It seems like a bad idea to start something while we’re on our way out.” She didn’t seem opposed to the idea, at the very least.

“No, I mean, not exactly. Just, something happened back at the airport, right before we left. Julie’s been on my mind lately.” Strangely enough Sophie didn’t immediately jump into a tirade about her being straight, or not wanting me to date an ex. Then again, it’s not like she was prone to such things. I guess I just felt weird for even mentioning it.

“So she’s bi afterall? I guess it’s not too surprising, even with what happened I imagine the stress and anxiety could have made her not enjoy the sex despite being attracted to you.” Sophie was level, matter of fact, but I still couldn’t really get a read on how she felt about the whole thing.

“No, I don’t think so. She said she didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore, but she still loved me romantically. I guess what she probably wants and won’t admit to is like an asexual thing? I don’t know. It’s really hard to get her to open up. I think she feels guilty about it.” Come to think of it, I felt a little guilty too. Which Sophie must have seen, she leaned down to kiss me lightly on the forehead, and squeezed my hand.

“I see, and what about you? Do you still love her? Would a polyamorous thing be something you wanted?” She sat down on the bed across from me, folding her legs and gazing patiently while I organized my thoughts.

“I’m not sure. I think I still love her? Y’know, we broke up not for any personal reasons, but because sex became impossible and I dunno, neither of us considered other options I guess. I don’t know if that’s the right choice for me, for Julie, for us, but I’m tired of things going unsaid between her and I. At the very least I need to talk to her about it.” That last bit I said with waxing confidence, which certainly wasn’t hurt by Sophie’s own approving gaze. The sort of gaze that made me feel whole, validated, seen.

“Alright, I think I can work with that. Next time you talk to her, why don’t you see if you can get her to open up about it? Just um - god, I feel like an insecure asshole for even saying this, but -” She glanced away, taking a deep breath before returning my gaze. “Promise you’re not going to stop loving me?” There was more vulnerability than I could handle in that voice. I answered in a heartbeat, there was no need to think it over.

“Promise.”

“Good. Alright, I’m gonna run down to the store and grab some stuff. I expect you to be wearing way less when I return.” She shot me a cheeky grin, then with a warmth unlike any other spoke again, “I love you, Avery.” She slipped out of bed, and across the room out the door.

I took a moment to calm down a bit, fiddling with my phone, staring at the wall, then took a deep breath and opened my messenger app.

“Hey, Julie, think we could chat again soon? I’ve had something on my mind lately.” I cast my phone aside. Julie was probably asleep back home anyway. Plus I had bigger things to worry about. Namely a certain girlfriend and a recently purchased strap. I crossed the room, opening the window to let the night air in. A breeze carried faint music along with the sounds of nighttime cheer from a nearby bar. It was an all too familiar atmosphere. One I was going to miss, but that was okay. It was nice to exist in this moment alone. Deciding where to go next. handling the stuff with Julie, all that was future Avery’s problem, and I was sure she’d do great.