I'm Coming Back Soon, I Promise!

Hey folks, it’s bound time I actually made a post addressing my disappearance and lack of content this year. I typically prefer to keep things in my life private for too many reasons. But I’ll share what I feel I should. And I will mention that I don’t post this to garner sympathy, just understanding.

If you don’t wish to read it and only want to know about content and when it’s coming, I hope to get some stuff out this week. I have it recorded and need to just edit it, then it’ll be set to come here!

Before going further, I’ll be talking about domestic life, addiction,  mental and physical health as well as parental relationships. So if that isn’t anything you wish to read about, I understand and hope you enjoy the content to come! And for those that do read, I promise it looks brighter at the end!

I’ve admittedly felt pretty pathetic for not getting anything out. I was working on Cruel Werewolf 4, 5, 6+ all at once. Some grand story to release day by day. But it took so long that an unreasonable amount of time had passed. I just wanted to get content out, I didn’t want to apologise again because it feels like it’s all I’ve been doing for a year. I just want you all to be happy and feel as if you’re getting value for the content I create.

The main reason I haven’t been releasing any content is because I haven’t edited it. Which it sounds lazy, and to some it probably is. It seems like an insurmountable, herculean task to me atm. I am not 100% certain as to what the cause is but I become violently ill when I force myself to do things that I dislike or am uncomfortable with. I’ve been told it’s potentially linked to ADHD, but I haven’t been diagnosed fully (working on it with a professional) and refuse to self diagnose.

I - in all honesty - have always fucking hated editing audios, but I also like making my stories have accurate sound effects or a strong soundscape. It makes the world's feel so much more alive and the story all the more richer. Performance and editing can carry a bad script and vice versa.

I hit a wall 4 months ago, my mental health had been rapidly deteriorating for the past 6 months and I just stopped functioning as a person. It hasn’t gotten any better, but has now dragged my physical health down with it. I won’t get into the ghastly details of it, but I’m most certainly at my most unhealthy atm. Which just amplifies the declining health.

My domestic life has been weird for years. I still live with one of my parents as I cannot work due to disabilities and being financially stable enough to rent is a fever dream. However the relationship I have with my parent has become extremely strained and very, very unhealthy. I am still connected to my other parent but living with them is worse than my current situation. I swapped to a nocturnal pattern to limit the amount of interaction I have with them, it helped a bit but I sacrificed living a semi-normal life for it.

Not seeing the sun unless it’s rising, not being able to go shopping unless it’s early morning or even having access to fast food places has made life just a bit harder. I live in rural Australia, so there are no 24 hour places near me. It’s hard on almost anyone’s health for that, but I try find the best in it. I like going for a walk early in the morning, finding a nice isolated spot in a local national park and wait for the sun to rise. Listening to the animals returning from hunting and others waking up, it’s refreshing for the soul.

Throughout all of this I have maintained a strong hold on some previous issues I faced in the past. I used to be a binge drinker, or simply an alcoholic, when I was a teenager. I went to my first party at 15, got drunk for the first time and went downhill from there.

I spent each Friday and Saturday from 15-17 getting obliterated. Whether it was at parties or at home, I found a way to do it. My friends weren’t any better, we effectively enabled each other.

I went clean right before I turned 18, ironically the legal drinking age. I was at my friends 18th birthday party, I had over indulged as per usual. But I had never been so bad that I had no control over my body or its functions.

I pretty effectively humiliated myself. Chatting with some friends I had the instant urge that something was coming. I was so drunk I couldn’t see or maintain balance, but I stood up, vomited and blacked out.

It was the first and last time I’d ever blacked out. I had drunk so much before that I didn’t think it was possible, for me at least. I’m glad to have been humbled in the worst way possible.

I woke up 8 hours later, not knowing what happened, where I ended up or who I was with. I was still at my friends house, I was in a random person's room, in their bed with them. I didn’t remember what happened, I still to this day do not know what happened.

People that saw me around after the vomit said I was still doing stuff, that the person I was with was helping me out, and they claimed that they just wanted to make sure I was ok.

I have no way to know for sure, and the discomfort of that haunts me still. It’s why I stopped drinking, binge drinking at least. I still like alcohol, for more mature reasons now. Taste, variety and new flavours appeal to me. Not the effects that it brings.

I don’t drink casually, shit I rarely drink when I go out. But I like to enjoy a nice drink every now and then. However each time I drink I have this gnawing, biting feeling to have more though. To just lean in and keep drinking. And while I’ve had a good grip on it for damn near 7 years. I’ve been very close to giving in in the past few months.

I am also addicted to porn. If I went on about that I’d be here for a month, so I’ll keep it short and sweet. I have an unkillable libido and unending energy, it makes it a nightmare for me to feel any satisfaction. Just a simple nymphomaniac trapped in a cage. No cure all or cold turkey for this, I like it but do moderate what content I consume and to what degree.

I really do hope this doesn’t seem like a trauma dump or therapy session. I just felt the need to explain what is happening behind the scenes. I didn’t want to just say “I can’t talk about it, but I’m back!” despite being gone for basically 4 months. It would be unfair to expect the same reception to an old message.

The past year has been a slow decline into despair. Reliving and revisiting my constant failures in so many different areas. I could recount for hours but I’d bore you dreadfully, make myself seriously depressed and be treating you like a therapist. It isn’t fair for anyone. Which I do hope that none of this came to seem like that.

I won’t be drinking any time soon. I won’t be doing anything rational or bad to myself anytime soon. I fucking love living, learning and experiencing everything I can. I want to keep writing and performing fun and story driven scripts because it’s what I love! So I’m not going anywhere, I just take a long time to get where I’m going.

As for the positive outcome in all this? There is a lot, and it always gets better.

My sister is the anchor in my life. We’ve had damn near all the same experiences, hers much more severe than mine. I’m beyond grateful to have her, and I’m hoping to move in with her later this year. I’m going to start treating my body better, I’m still young and have a chance to turn around any damage I’ve done. And most importantly I’m going to start making content again.

Making content really does make me happy, not having my creative outlet has hurt me. I also want to start streaming, I play a fuck load of games normally so I may as well make content out of it. But that is still further down the line.

I have Cruel Werewolf 4 and 5 recorded, but they are not ready to be edited or released. I want to make the final parts of CW a full rollout. But I have two others recording and waiting to be edited. 

A fun, spicy M4A: Wolf Bullies You Into Submission - SFW + NSFW

And an M4F and M4M Yandere x Yandere - SFW + NSFW

I cannot compensate for the lack of content this year, it’s appalling and beyond disappointing for both Patrons and myself. I always wonder what I could have been achieving if I was consistent.

But my brain isn’t built that way, and if I changed it would I be able to make what I do now? Idk, but I’ll keep working with what I’ve got and see how I do ^_^

If you did read all of this, thank you. Sincerely I cannot be more grateful. I listen to a probably unhealthy amount of roleplay asmrs and I know the support and help it gives me, the fact that I haven’t created any and am deriving people of that same support? It drove me back in. I don’t want to waste the opportunity I built for myself, one that was empowered by people like you. So I’ll do my best for everyone, so I can create at my best and you can enjoy the best! I really want to make all of you proud :D