Why am I gone? (serious discussion about depression and self harm. Pass reading this if you are uncomfortable.)

Once more, This message will be triggering for some. I understand that feeling well. Be advised, this discussion triggers me as well, but it needs said.
If you are feeling depressed, thinking of dark thoughts to harm yourself in any way, call this number.
Dial 988 or text 988 crisis line.

Off the top:

Help is available

Speak with someone today

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Languages: English, Spanish

Hours: Available 24 hours

Dial 988, or text 988 will get you some help.

I have been struggling with depression most of my life. I have coping mechanisms to help me when I feel the dark cloud of depression coming. Most times I can cut it off at the pass with those coping tools.
In the last couple months my coping tools and tricks have failed. I fell into a very deep dark hole of depression. Curled up under my desk in the dark, not eating sleeping or drinking anything for three days. I started to deeply believe I was no good. Nothing I will do or have done will be of any use to the world or those deeply close to me. (You all included.) I just wanted to stop existing.
Clearly, I am still with you. Calling (and texting) a crisis line three times in two days to have someone to talk me off the ledge helped immensely. I am talking to a doctor about medications to level my depression spikes and soon with a new mental help therapist. My existence is important. I realize that. When damned into a dark cloud of depression my body shuts down. Colors are less vibrant, music becomes a slug of sound and socializing becomes an impossibility. My body feels heavy, weighed down by a destroyed energy flow. It's a bad place.
The last couple days have allowed me more time to reflect and process my being, more clearly. I know I am loved and cherished by family and friends. You all support me with your kind words and friendly comments. Life is a giant pain in the rectum. You don't have to go it alone.
If you have a friend who is depressed, don't ask, "How are you doing/feeling?" Instead try to elicit an interest in something the person enjoys. Small talk that may lift their mind from the cloud long enough to discuss what is wrong. Small talk is amazing, providing a mental cushion from the invasive thoughts and giving opportunity to broach the topic of mental well being.

What does this all mean for art by your truly?

It means art is coming out at a snails pace again. Very sorry for that, art is my therapy as much as joy to do and I love making people happy with it. It won't stop entirely, anytime soon. I am deeply in debt with my bank again and soon new medical bills, partially covered by insurance. ( America sucks for medical billing, I'll fight anyone who says otherwise. Let's see how much a few broken ribs will cost ya, then say otherwise. ) I'll be needing to dive into commissions when I get my head right again.
Not sure what the meds will do to my art. It may fundamentally change my style. Together we can go on this journey and find out.

Thank you all for your continuing support and kindness. I ask that you go out today and find someone who delights you or makes you happy, let them know their worth. Depression addled or not, you will be helping someone have a better day. You are amazing and important. I love you all. Cheers.

Signed,
immortaltom