#1 influencer

Grandma. My second mother.

Specifically my grandma.

In my early teens I started reading hotrod magazines. The models of the time all weighed little and had firm implants.

I kept a couple sketch pads filled with sketches of the ones that cought my eye. Hidden in my closet. The magazines out in the open.

To my horror I came home to one of them, open and sitting on the dinning room table. Grandma coming in with a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich, wiiiiith sliced bananas.

She guided me to the seat in front of my book. My shame and embarrassment. I hid it. Hiding my face and being quiet. I was caught. In trouble. My church preaching grandma had found my stash.

The sketch pad slid away from me. I can hear the pages turning still.

"I like this one, it's good."

It took a moment to process it.

I will forever remember this moment. Looking up. Still ashamed and wildly confused. The Sun, behind and left oh her, the cigarette smoke trailing through the light. Her eyes meeting mine before returning to the book.

Turning the pages to different pictures. Asking about the ladies. Asking about the art and outfits. Mostly bikinis.

I don't remember a single drawing. But I do remember opening up. Guided out of discomfort with calm smiling questions. I became excited, showing her the ones I was most proud of.

I enjoyed my favorite sandwich (wiiiiith sliced bananas!Joy!) and juice while she had coffee and a second cigarette. No longer hiding my love for art and drawing pinups.

Skip a few days later and I'm given my first 'study' art book.

A Gil Elvgren pinup collection. She supported my interests, even in secret for a while. Sharing new sketches when Grandpa was still at work.

She got me to high school. Carried me through my worst times. Shared joys with me. My grandma helped lead me to this field of art and so many others. Un-judging, open minded and gently criticizing, she shaped how I interact with new artists.

October last year took my Grandfather. The man who fed my hotrod interests. Both in art and wrenching on metal.

His caring wife is soon joining him in peace.

I had to get hospice set up for Grandma a couple days ago. My mom and I are trading shifts 24hrs a day. Helping manage a scared, lost shadow of the woman I know. Dementia and Alzheimer's are an ugly combo.

I need to remain unemployed for a while longer. I desperately want to draw again. Life just keeps hitting below the belt. I'm deeply struggling. But more importantly I will be ok. This hurts and isn't entirely unexpected. It happens too fast. But I know she would sit across the table with me to share a joy, no matter what that may be, with gentle guidance. And I'll stay with her to the end if I can.

I'm happy to have a few last chances to hug her, kiss her forehead and hold her hand.

Find the ones you know who reached out with empathy and understanding before judgment. They are rare and wonderful. What an honor to know my Grandma.