What.

What.

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Commissioned by Patreon Special. 

Word Count: 2110

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Lolicons are worse than trash. As a big brother with a little sister, should I find that someone is into fetishizing little girls my reaction to them is minimally cutting off relations. I will make them not my problem forever and ever. The exact same way I’d treat a some excrement on the sidewalk, I won’t acknowledge their existence, and let them be the problem of some civil service member.

Now, I’m sure Tanya has the same idea, given that she used to be a perfect corporate slave without any morals whatsoever. Lolicons are individuals who shouldn’t be interacted with, unless said interaction is a layoff. Or, in this world, an artillery spell to the face as with the case of a certain freakish political leader that’s now sixteen feet under all over a certain countryside.

We’re quite different from one another in our means and methods. She was the undaunted, stalwart hero who came home after capturing and conquering some strategic target or another, whilst I turned mages into unstoppable tanks on the battlefield. We differed utterly in our tactics and feats in war. She had to make do with high-risk strategies with immense rewards due to Being X… until Being X died. Myself, on the other hand, doubled down on the abilities of a Mage to create protective shells, advance under anything save artillery fire, and punched through line after line without being stopped.

However, without a doubt, neither of us would ever interact with lolicons.

Yet, here I was with hot coffee on my lap, with Tanya sitting across from me, and a wedding-ring faced towards me.

“I refuse completely. No way.” The refusal left my lips swiftly, concisely, and it fell dead upon impact to Tanya’s unperturbable electric fence of a countenance. I’m sorry for sending you to your death, Refusal-kun. However, I had to try. “You’re not going to let me are you?”

“The war has been won, Hachiman-kun. We have turned the empire into a hegemon that will go on for hundreds, if not thousands, of years.” Yeah, I know. I was there when you shot god in the face., robbed the rest of the world of their rampant fanaticism, and allowed the war to end without any more divine intervention. It was a final season finale you’d expect of a Nazi magical girl you’d expect, despite the decidedly miraculous lack of genocide, probably due to ensure a Western release. “I intend to have a quiet, simple retirement in my new estates, whilst perhaps pursuing a career in politics to ensure that no stupidity arises that leads to a second world war in which I will have to undoubtedly participate.”

“And, how does that involve me marrying you?” That was such an important question that I almost forgot that my pants were covered in hot coffee until Tanya handed me a napkin. Not her handkerchief. A napkin. Not that the subtle difference mattered given the engagement ring shining upon me.  Apparently, whatever joke of an author currently writing my life has lost any and all subtlety whatsoever. I mean, I don’t even care, but I’m being proposed to over breakfast at a café. Aren’t there supposed to be roses and candles, or something? “Please, for a moment, act like a I don’t have a brain. Because, at the moment, I really don’t.”

“Ah, Hachiman-kun, it’s cute how you think that it’s unnecessary for me to be married. It speaks well of both our twenty-first century childhoods.” First. I just noticed you’re calling me Hachiman-kun. Please, don’t do that. It scare me. Second, the way you’re talking seems to imply that we can somehow be considered childhood friends. I’m pretty sure that I died in high school and that you died while in your twenties. Technically, this situation is more than three kinds of fucked up. Four kinds if you consider the fact that I’m not currently running away right now, actually. Wait, why am I thinking like the bride in this scenario? I’m totally being the girl in this scenario aren’t I!? What the Hell!? “I cannot endeavor to be a politician of any sort if I am seen as entirely different and radical from the common people. Many will look to my age and the fact that I am unwed, then discard my achievements entirely.” Tanya sipped her coffee and shook her head. Oi, you complain about being short all the time, but you’re still drinking coffee? You really need to reconsider that. “That’s not even considering the fact that my achievements are wholly, completely, and utterly strange in and of themselves. Considering those two facts, Tanya Von Degurechaff must be wed, in order to for me to ensure that this current peace lasts, and take the maximum advantage of my current position.”

“…”  Anyway, as always, Tanya’s words were completely logical and comprehensive. However, again, I didn’t care that her arguments were logical and comprehensive, I cared about what was going to happen to me if I just went along carelessly with her plans. While she had the advantage of being inordinately powerful, that came with the steep, steep price of being influenced by Being X. With Being X dead and gone, she was now only moderately powerful and incapable of using her overpowered computation of overpoweredness, but that didn’t change the fact that Tanya was Tanya. If I let her do as she wanted, the war would still be going, because instead of feeling fear and intimidation, the rest of the world would feel like they have to fight or die. Suffice to say, we’d probably not have won, or killed Being X, if Tanya did whatever she wanted. So, naturally, I had put myself in the shoes of a child and look at her proposal from another angle, despite the fact that it seemed airtight. It took me less than five seconds to find a decent argument against her plans. “Why not just leave the governing to the government, live the rest of your life peacefully, never rejoin the military, and not have me labelled as a pedophile for the rest of my life?”

I liked my plan a lot.

Everyone won in my plan.

Me. The politicians that Tanya would break over her knee. Me. The countries already under a yoke, but a rather decent yoke that they can put up with. Me. Tanya also gets the peaceful retirement she wanted, since she won’t have to work anymore for campaigning and the like. 

And, finally, me.

Most importantly: me.

Source: Me.

I don’t get labelled as a perverse lolicon for the rest of my life and get to look at my former soldiers and the citizens of the nation I protected in the eye.

Unfortunately, Tanya took my words as a joke and giggled.

A smile means my argument had some merit and she’d consider it. That was how I’d kept her from utterly killing everyone and instead terrifying them to no end through the war. Oh, she killed plenty of people. Enough to be labelled as the Devil of the Rhine, but not enough to become a vilified figure that whole countries would unite against. That was difficult, but I’d managed to convince her to “risk her life by sparing an opponent’s human resources.” I’d managed that when she’d smiled.

When Tanya giggled, that meant she was shooting down unarmed, civilian-registered transports that had the Republic’s last commanders and military units. Generally speaking, despite her fervent statements that she only wages war because she must, her all-encompassing and comprehensive logic leads her to a singular path that borders on war-crimes in the Empire… and is easily spun by foreign papers as demonic. Also, there was no chance I’d be able to convince her otherwise, because she’ll think I’m merely joking.

At the very least, it’s better than the dead silence I’d borne the brunt of before she actually shot Being X in the face, drastically lowered crop yields around the world, and watched every religion in our current world die over the course of a year, as all the gods and angels summarily excommunited the world. 

But I was willing to fight against that giggle, because it wasn’t the dead silence, and the fact that I cared about more about being seen as a lolicon than a god.

I had priorities. 

“Hachiman-kun, be honest: would you leave the state of the world to the common people, especially when the two of us have our knowledge, influence, and near-prescience.” Yes, I would. As long as I’m fine and not involved in a situation, whatever that situation might be, I’m fine with the world doing whatever it wanted, as long as I’m not labelled a pedophile. The world can burn, whilst I burn with it, as long as I turn to ash known as a respectable citizen who doesn’t like children. Yes, indeed, Kiritsugu Emiya I will allow all the worlds evils to persist and engulf the whole world, if it meant that I will never be labelled a citizen. Know that if you shoot me, you admit that every mouth-breather that faps to Ilya deserves to live, because they’ll certainly choose to save the world as you do.  “Wouldn’t you agree that taking a measure of control over the Empire would benefit the entire world?”

“You realize that you’re sounding like a super villain again, right? Please, take a moment listen to yourself. I mean, you’re setting out to marry someone just to look good. Isn’t that enough of a warning sign?” I fell upon tried-and-true logic to deal with Tanya. Actually, logic was the only means to get through to her. Behind that veneer of a young girl tha age of fourteen who conquered the world, and even further behind the calculating mind of a remorseless corporate slave, is a boy that really, really enjoys being in the right, never being wrong, and always being correct. In other words, Tanya Von Degurechaff was a product of Japanese society’s incessant demands for perfection having broken a human being into a shell that seeks only good results to make themselves look good. I apologize, Reality. I will do my best to keep society’s errors from inflicting themselves upon this world. But, I would really like a lending hand! “Marrying for politics alone is going to look bad. That combined with all the other views the public will have on you will surely result in this whole situation just utterly failing.”

Now, while Tanya can see victory, I had to make the failure so comedically bad, yet rational, so that the possible victory isn’t worth the risk. Tanya isn’t a gambler. If there’s a method to guarantee victory, she’ll pay that price, and that’ll be that. Situations where she’s forced to take risks typically end up with numerous war crimes swept under the rug, unidentifiable bodies, and smoldering craters. Risk is anathema to Tanya, therefore the best method to ensuring that she doesn’t go for a plan is by making failure seem very, very possible-

“Ah, that won’t be a problem. We already have quite the paper trail surrounding us as the twin shooting stars of the empire. Becoming lovers thereafter will merely fulfill the populace’s existing canon, especially after a few children.” Well, there it is. The results of the damned, manic giggle. This battle was over before it even began. In the middle of a café, before breakfast has been even served to us, Tanya has decided that we’ll be wed, have many babies, and take over the world. I couldn’t see an out. Well, there was a certain one that involved a noose, but I wasn’t brave enough to take my own life, especially after I helped kill god. That didn’t appeal to me at all. “So, Hachiman-kun, won’t you marry me?”

That line was delivered in a high-pitched, girlish voice with fluttering eyelashes. There were gasps and plates falling, as all the idle onlookers finally overheard something since Tanya dispelled her Interference Spell. Undoubtedly, everyone in the café saw the proposal of Tanya Von Degurchaff to her fellow student and hero Not!Hikigaya Hachiman. 

Only a devil would refuse the angel before him, especially with their years merely being four or so apart. Without a doubt, if I refused again, I would be the subject of scrutiny and public scorn until I admitted in a newspaper that merely found myself unworthy of her, before finding the courage to accept her confusion and our engagement. 

Thus, again, I was forced into a corner and spun headfirst into another scheme by Tanya Von Degurechaff.  

As expected, this was the worst.