Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 2

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 2

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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As multitudes of edgy, one-sided MCs would tell you, the only thing that matters in a fight is that you win. However, as expected of their monofocus, lack of intelligence, and 1-dimensional, mouth breather nature, they’re dime-a-dozen warriors who can win fights, perhaps even battles, but not wars.

In war, everything matters, and if one thing that matters is fucked, there’s no victory even if you win dozens of battles.

I only managed to get to my current circumstances, because I happened to know what I needed to do in order to be important, whilst any other comparable kidnappee won battles for the Empire, I progressed their plans, got them what they needed, and outlived the meatheads who actually believed winning fights and battles would get them freedom. 

The only freedom to be had, after we were magically shackled, was to die on our own terms. 

Since the Freedom True Ending  was completely impossible, I changed routes, because I wasn’t an idiot.

Edgy MCs with paper-like skin would continue on their path until the end, where they died ignominiously, hilariously, and deservedly.

Source: me.

Anyway, survival had been my first priority, then gathering power, and finally acquiring a whole division of meatshields. The longer I lived, even if it meant sacrificing others and placating my interdimensional, magical kidnappers, was my victory. Ms. Degurechaff will certainly be proud of me and my actions, as I’m sure it’s perfectly in line with the rules of modern, logical, and capitalistic society.

Exploitation for one’s own gain is never wrong, as long as it profits society and maintains social order.

It just so happened that the society and social order I was maintaining happened to be interdimensional enslavers who all deserved to die.

That part wasn’t my fault, but the result of my actions saving the lives of babies, men, and women of the interdimensional invaders who deserved to die were certainly attributed to me.

The number of lives I exchanged in order to be seen as someone who had to be captured and used as an asset is well into the thousands. Fighting retreats, suicidal flanking maneuvers, and ambushes against superior opponents ate up people without distinction. However, the Empire saw the bodies of their enemies pile up, or their true troops coming back safe, so it didn’t matter what I did, so long as I got those favorable results with troops destined to die anyway.

In their eyes, I was saving the lives of those they considered people, therefore I had worth.

Therefore, I secured my life, while being a good person.

Again, for the interdimensional slavers, but that's just how it goes. 

Naturally, my fellow kidnappers noticed that I was surviving fights and currying favor, while they were dying.

That’s  the point where an edgy, brainlet who’s just “clever”  would have been introduced to a harem of knives while he slept. 

However, it was never going to be mine.

Why?

Well, of course, I had a commodity that everyone wanted. I gained the right to live, to be viewed favorably, and was asked to lead, while many were told to die. I approached those who understood that, who wanted the same safety, and betrayed the rest of my fellows to die on battlefields, while I led from the rear with capable guards.

Well, a guard.

The time difference between the point where I started getting odd looks from my troops, shortly after the Empire started treating me like an asset, and got captured by the Demon Lord is about… a month?

You can’t expect a guy like me to get a cadre of people around himself instantly, even if I happened to offer a prolonged, miserable existence as a slave, who proceeded to step on shoulder after shoulder to live, I still happened to by a loner first and foremost.

The fact that I managed to get one capable, loyal guard is something worthy of praise, dammit!

Even if, technically, I was cheating because I saved her life and her ass-backwards culture meant that I owned her now or something.

Technically, I saved her life twice over, so I’m just right twice, anyway!

…

After my meeting with my new boss, who gave me the impossible assignment of escaping a pincer attack against a foe that outnumbered us three times over, I did the first thing any sane person would do.

Fetch my bodyguard who’d protect them with their life.

Naturally, since the Demon Lord intended to secure my aid, she captured as much of my troops as possible. And, given her forces were mostly composed of Dragons, “as much as possible” pretty much meant everyone. Yep, my whole division had been captured, and were now being used as collateral. 

Whatever the case, the only person who mattered in the deluge of degenerates across dimensions I directed lived and stood before me now.

“Yo.”

“You live. How unfortunate for me. I thought I was free.” Ur didn’t look particularly glad. In fact, even though she was standing upright in an iron cage, she looked as though she tried to pick a fight with the almighty Truck-kun, Hero of the Empire. Yeah, she definitely tried to keep her word, despite facing a force composed of dragons and led by the Demon Lord. “I presume that you have been freed of your collar, too? And, that you intend to fight against the Empire which stole us from our homes?”

“I wouldn’t if I could help it. I’d rather leave all you idiots behind, but we’re going to be attacked by three divisions, along with some actual Empire troops.” I wasn’t particularly interested in how my guard got beaten to a pulp, but still made her guards hesitate when they were told to release her to get healed. I could only presumed that she did something incredibly stupid and insane, while I’d been unconscious.  “Get out of there, and come get healed, because we have work to do.”

“You have no need of me or anyone else now. You have monsters at your disposal now. Monsters that have defeated me and mine.” Golden eyes met my own through ebony locks. Despite the purple and black splotches stretching across her tanned skin, Ur remained defiant. As far as meatheads went, she was the pinnacle of her kind. Worthless in conversation, academics, and anything generally acceptable in modern society, but decent in a fight… against monsters. That is to say, I was getting tired of her honorable warrior bullshit already. “I am of no use to you any longer. Death is my only course.”

“You can die when you pay me back for saving your life and failing to save mine, which means: only when I fucking let you.” Tribal warriors from other dimensions needed a firm hand. Their societies were born in worlds filled with monsters, threats, and other things that would kill most loners in their cribs. Unfortunately, they used all their skill points to spec into physical attributes and used everything else as dump stats. “So, come on, stop moping, and get yourself healed, because I can’t leave you to die, so I might as well use you to get some payback.”

“I understand. Then, my life remains yours to spend.” As usual, Ur was powered by idiocy and determination. The moment I clarified that I wasn’t an idiot, that I still needed her, and that she didn’t fail, she fell into my arms. Being a tanned, tribal warrior that was specialized as a shock trooper, I barely managed to keep the meathead up when she fell face-forward. She was about an hour away from being dead on her feet, but the wonders of healing magic never ceased to amaze. I held up my shitty, doubting, and idiot guard, while she was tended to. She had to gall to hold onto me after nearly crushing me, too.  Idiot. “Wake me when the battle begins.”

Tch.

“You fucking moron.” It didn’t take an IQ of over nine-thousand to discern the truth. While I’d been knocked out, kidnapped, and taken care of lie everyone else, Ur had fought. Either she did so after she awakened while being healed, or she kept fighting until she was caged, then refused to rest. The hands the clung onto my shoulders, rigid even while their owner closed her eyes and breathed easy, were covered in cuts, bruises, and torn skin. I saw bone and a lack of nails on some of her fingertips.  “You need to start to think with your brain, instead of your fists.”

Thankfully, since she passed out, she didn’t have anything stupid to say after my retort.

Now, with her in my part of the court, I could get the rest of the division in line. 

Having authority was nice, but being able to call on unspeakable violence upon those who refused my whims was even better.

…

“You recruited the vast majority of your division to fight for you once more, despite the freedom I offered them.” 

“Please, stop stating the obvious, before I starting questioning your intelligence.” The Demon Lord’s guards glared at me, but I kept eating my meal. The wonders of being the guest of a commander who was also the de facto leader of a whole nation-state had its perks. I was enjoying freshly-baked bread, a slab of meat, and some fresh fruit, as was Ur. Despite enjoying being the smuggest smug to ever smug, I was eating properly, while my bodyguard was getting food on her… everything. I really can’t get away with being cool at anything, huh?. “So, now that we have ablative, you and yours can do the heavy lifting. I’ve told my forces to start entrenching, so prepare yours counter attacks.”

“You intend to use those who pledged their lives to you as a distractions for my forces, just as you’ve done for the Empire.” The Demon Lord stood. Clad in plate armor and with curved horns that bent over her skull and through a mane of scarlet hair, she was quite the intimidating sight. The only reason that Ur didn’t stand up for me to fight against the threat was that the meathead knew that she couldn’t do anything besides die with me against the Demon Lord. “And, I believed you kind when you so readily agreed to fight for me when I told you of our circumstances.”

“It’ll still be “kind” to those who survive the battle, which you dragged everyone into. If you don’t like the idea, just fly away and leave everyone to die.” It is said that those who have no pride shift the blame upon others. If such a saying was true, then I was saving the Demon Lord quite a bit of shame. This situation was a result of her actions. Not mine. “That’s what I have for the problem you’ve given me, ojou-sama.”

Surprisingly, none of the guards drew their swords, so that the Demon Lord could show off being noble by raising her hand and stopping them. Damn, it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen anime that I’m trying to make it happen in real life. In retrospect, it’s a bad idea to provoke dragon-girls, but it would’ve been pretty cool to see that particular scene happen in real life. 

I’ll take the Demon Lord getting pissed of for the first time since we met as compensation, though.

“Unacceptable. I swore upon those you’ve consigned to be fodder that they would have new lives.” The distance between the two of us decreased with each word. Walking and following the edge of the table, she soon loomed over me. There was no trace of her beauty any longer. Her face was occluded by a mass of darkness which also came forth from the joints in her armor. Yes, without a doubt, she was the beast that plowed through my division’s lines, past Ur, and swallowed me upon in pain and darkness. “Upon my family’s name, upon the ideals that the alliance between all the tribes were crafted, I swore they would be free from their lives as fodder for blades, magic, and claws.”

There was no dramatic pause, no chance for me to get another word in, as the Demon Lord looked at me with disgust and disdain which was barely restrained.

“You will provide another strategy for me. One that does not meaninglessly throw away lives for mere convenience. I demand not the impossible, but your best.” Each word was stated without the slightest hint of hesitation. Each syllable dripped with strength. Every single ounce of intent was delivered clearly and with no room to argue. “Plan quickly and plan well, vaunted tactician, because you will be beside me to see this battle through to the end.”

Many of the other individuals in the room were shaking due to the Demon Lord’s strength, in both words and arcane might. The armored, armed dragons that protected her were standing straight due only to force of will or their weapons, which they gripped and held onto to support themselves. Ur had a grimace upon her lips, despite all the battles she fought calmly, with hardly anything more than what she deigned to call clothes, and whatever weapons she managed to get her hands on. 

Me?

I was sweating like pig, trembling like a loon, and biting my lip as to not scream.

Correct.

Biting my lip as to not smile at a job well done.

“R-right.” My teeth chattered while I agreed, but when I bowed, I allowed myself a smirk between troubled breaths. It was just the start, but knowing that I didn’t fall into the hands of another tyrant who’d approve of the quickest, most ruthless options was something I needed to verify. Nor was I in the hands of a helpless, incompetent idiot. Trusting a stranger is foolish. Trusting someone who would allow a captured, enemy force to be rearmed and returned to their commander was suicide. I now knew that the Demon Lord was not an idiot, since she could wipe out all the aforementioned individuals she rearmed, nor was she simply faking her nobility, as she actually gave a fuck about how their lives were spent.. “I’ll do that.”

Definitely worth a few moments of existential dread. 

“See that you do.” The Demon Lord’s power lessened. Breathing, no, existing became an easier and less complicated affair. When I raised my head to meet her calm gaze, covered in seat and fear, and lacking my smile… I saw a glimpse of regret that was tossed away behind determination. Another good sign. She wasn’t a psychopath. Or, at least, very good at acting that she wasn’t. A decent point in her favor either way. I’d like a perfect psychopath on my side of the court, especially if they couldn't tell if they were being tested and manipulated. “And, my name is Roseanne, not Ojou-sama. You will refer to me as such, Hikigaya Hachiman, my new court tactician.”

Hah!

Forget not being an idiot.

I needed to stay on my guard, because she had sharp mind and more than a few suspicions.

With just a sentence, at little cost to herself, she put me under her command, along with all the troops I had under me, and made it so that every decision I made would have to go through her.  Doubtlessly, around her, to fulfill my goal of survival, I would have to do just as well or better than while I was with the Empire. 

Roseanne?

Roseanne was going to be a pain in the ass to work for… which almost too good to be true, given my last employer’s complete lack of care.

This better not be a shitty dream sequence and I’m really still working for the Empire!