Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 44

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 44

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

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Kurama’s home was a ripoff of Shangri-la, but lewd.

How lewd?

Where the theoretical statue of Buddha laying upon his side would be, is instead a monolithic statue of a Kitsune woman on her side, and wearing even less than Buddha. That’s right. Instead of two unsewn pieces of cloth wrapped around the waist and draped over the shoulder, the very voluptuous statue was wearing only one unsewn piece of cloth… on her neck as a ribbon.

Yep.

Looking upon the entire, misty valley filled with red pagodas, red lanterns, and cobblestone paths was an anatomically correct statue of my fiancé’s great-grandmother. Not only that, it’s not the only statue of a nude Kitsune in the valley. They’re in every street. They’re the freaking STREET SIGNS. You get to know where you are in the valley-spanning city by the three sizes of the statues on the street corners. 

And, if the sizes are too similar, you can look at another certain area, find your way to your house, and then hope that your rope and stool haven’t come alive and want to fuck you yet.

My first look at the place where I’m getting most of my loans, and sending back interest payments, is a lewd wonderland filled with exhibitionists. Can I stop existing, yet? Knowing that some of the money I’m sending back goes to the maintenance of highly-accurate statues of various relatives and ancestors of my fiancé makes me want to cease existing. No, it doesn’t help that a few of the “street signs” are Mamono of other races, honored by her people. That just doesn’t change the fact that my interest payments go towards maintaining the “entrances and exits” of freaking slutty statues. 

Guh.

I hate it, even though it’s obviously the town that’s functioning the best with all the changes implemented by Roseanne, even though there were a few mistakes that needed to be rectified. Judging by the hustle and bustle of the city, the addresses on all the homes, and the… street signs, the “where” of each person was of no issue. A good tax system is in place, and better yet those taxes are being spent towards the citizenry.

Silk kimonos flowed through cobblestone streets, and many stores had signs that advertised their wares, and more than a few Mamono were haggling. Pushcarts manned by uniformed Mamono carted around the elite, but there were wagons pulled by horses that the regular folk could hop onto and use with a few coins. Walking through the streets filled the ears with a cacophony of noise, business, and life to such an extent that I knew that most people were relatively well-educated compared to the rest of the world, thus they were benefiting from the changes implemented by Roseanne.

Harpies flew through the air regularly to delivery messages and parcels, some were actually even picking up bags made by grocers, and flying them over to the homes of the world’s first generation of shut-ins. The bulletin boards I passed by were being updated with new signs, or were expanded by additional ones, so that more advertisements and declarations could be announced to the public. The fair use of both systems was enforced by Onimusha patrolling the streets, who kept everything in line, and wielded staffs instead of swords.

By all means, it’s a shining, enlightened civilization that’ll grow immensely from the changes I’m introducing, except for the fact that their street signs are literally sluts on display. 

Oh, and of course, how men are practically just dolls you can fuck. 

That’s a problem too.

…

Since Kurama had to speak with her mother in private, so that we could meet properly, I was sequestered off into a villa to be pampered and taken care of. And, of course, by pampered I mean kept out of the way, caged up, and unable to do anything, while I’m under watch. Basically, prison, but with a much higher price tag… so I did my best to make the most of the situation as much as possible.

The maids all shuddered for reasons I’d rather not know when I turned my gaze upon them.

“I want a light meal, a bath drawn for me, and someone to talk to.” The first order of business is to get the obvious eyes on me out of the way. There’s probably Kunoichi stationed all over the house to “protect” me, but also to report on me. Ur had resisted leaving my side, but having her beside Kurama to listen in was better. Even though not having her beside me made me vary aware that even the Nekomimi Maids I was alone with could kill me, I had plenty of experience at being authoritarian and high-handed, so I could take control of my situation somewhat. “Someone who won’t get disgustingly aroused in my presence, either. Well? What are you waiting for? Get to it.”

The maids had flushed faces as the departed. Tch. Why is every single Kindred outside of Ylstu a masochist? I mean, I’m not complaining that the Kindred in Ylstu have a strange fascination with work and responsibility, since it helps me out immensely. But, seriously, it’s strange to have my views and ideas of Kindred change in a single trip. Apparently, I can expect my insults to work properly in Ylstu, but outside of my territory my words get Kindred randy and ready instead of pissed.

It’s strange, but at the very least, my temporary prison has enough comforts to distract me.

Despite the eastern aesthetic of the entire valley, the villa I was given was more in line with the western extravagance that Roseanne showed off in the Capital. Instead of tatami or wood, the floor was polished white marble, upon which lush, red carpet was set. The furniture was a pale-yellow wood accentuated with gold veins, with surface of the table composed of glass, and the cushions and backs of the chairs embroidered with vivid, silver roses on emerald vines. A massive fireplace with mounted heads of large game dominated an entire wall, while a another was dominated shelves of books. The typical, massive windows covered another wall, while the last side of the room with the door had portraits of Kurama’s family.

The room was extravagant, a display of immense wealth from the surface alone, and I didn’t care.

I took a seat, put one foot up on the table with literal gold veins running through it, and waited for my meal, bath, and company. 

If I was going to be a prisoner for a bit, then I’m not going to rest, relax, and gather what information I can. 

Because, judging by how one of the shadows of the room is making a puddle, the only way the maids are getting me someone to speak to is by getting me fellow man to converse with. 

Wait, I might be making the wrong assumption, so let me check if that corner actually has a kunoichi hiding in it.

“Oi, you slut, go tell the maids the hurry up instead of being worthless and wet over there.”

…Hmph. 

Yep.

Judging from the size of that puddle, they’re definitely going to have to get a man for me to talk to.

…

Surprisingly, the maids brought me my “company” first, but it wasn’t a man like I expected. 

It was a boy.

“Good afternoon. Thank you for having me.” 

To be more exact, a boy that was  worthy of all the high-class, wealthy individuals in Kurama’s ancestral home. Since the citizenry here are of higher caliber than those of the Capital, and have access to more funds, they can be pickier in regards to their men. So, a Reverse Hikaru Genji tradition is in play here, with boys being groomed to the fetishes of the Kindred.

Disgusting.

It’s even worse than just having men not need to have standards.

“Yo, take a seat.” The kid must’ve been around fourteen years old, but he was as tall as I was, and probably better-muscled. Though I kept training in the even that I need to fight for my life, his form was meant to pleasant to the eyes, so he remained lithe and slender despite looking pleasant. His features were inching towards feminine beauty, being elegant and sharp, and he even wore makeup to accentuate that fact. With long, ponytailed hair and slender eyes, he could pass off as a woman… if he was allowed to wear trousers that weren’t incredibly tight and a shirt. “What’ve you got?”

“A simple game, as you requested, my Lord. One that both my fellows and mistresses enjoy to play.” So, the husbands-to-be aren’t just pretty. They’re made to have hobbies that Kindred will enjoy partaking in. So, they’re being trained like courtesans and geishas… professional prostitutes. Wow, the more I learn about the lives of men in this world, the more I hate it. I should really consider looking into this less closely… not. As if I’d ignore this, when it might happen to me, if I let my guard down. “Once I teach you, I’m sure that you’ll defeat me easily. Thereafter, we may call upon those who play much better.”

“Teach me.” 

The kid didn’t introduce himself, yet he spoke to me with near absolute respect and care, easily treating himself as lesser. From the very beginning, he’s set himself up as “someone willing to please,” a tool to use for pleasure instead of a person. Just how fucked are men, if I don’t do something to fix things? 

Apparently, the answer is very, very fucked. 

“Very well, then please allow me to explain the game.”

The “game” they sent him with was as close to an RTS someone could get without a computer. The players-controlled towns and fortresses, which needed to protect their castle, and they had tiles that could be moved about with different types of “units.” Taxes could be levied on the villages, former holdings could be burned down, so they wouldn’t support the enemy, and troops can be left behind in order to let others retreat. More taxes could be acquired by doing deeds for the “crown” and outside help can be gained by allying with outside tribes.

In short, the game’s meant to provide some insight into how I govern and act in battle, and it’s being perfectly presented to me with a smile.

Men aren’t just made for sex and entertainment; they’re being used like honeytraps and spies too. 

So, I didn’t hesitate to lose the first game, lose the second game, and keep losing until a crack formed on Mr. Perfect’s face.

“Something wrong, kid?” It was my turn again and I threw my leading units into the fray, while keeping the hapless meatshields safely behind their mistresses. He kept his mistresses safe in his largest town, while I did the opposite and let them die in every game. The calm, collected courtesean was getting pretty ticked off seeing fake Kindred nobility die. I could only assume he’d be even worse with real Kindred. “You’re supposed to entertain me. Even if you’re pretending to be a mute, you’re doing a terrible job..”

I was unprepared for the outburst that came as a result of my words.

Well, as much of an outburst Mr. Perfect could manage, anyway.

“You… you are doing this on purpose. Please excuse me, but may I ask, if you have no shame?” Oi, if you’re going to stand up for yourself and your opinions, don’t give an entire people more importance than you. You’re fucking yourself over, kid, even if you are speaking your mind. Still, this is more than I’ve gotten from the stupid, fuck-hungry beasts that called themselves men in the Capital. You actually have a spine, even if you’re standing up for the wrong thing. So, I guess I’ve got to give you some credit, and a little respect. There’s actual anger in those prettied-up eyes of yours. Continue. “Are you not afraid that your actions would incur anger? That the appeal you exude shall be misconstrued and you shall be hated instead of loved?”

Tch, well, I guess having a spine doesn’t equal being smart.

“Congratulations, you’ve managed to be so fantastically wrong that I’ll remember your mistake for the rest of my life. Do you want a standing ovation? I’ll give it to you, if you won’t be embaressed.” So, kid, what’ve you got to say against that. C’mon. Use your brain. There’s one there, even if it’s on the small side, and filled with no thoughts beside fucking and making Kindred happy. “If you don’t get it, I’m not doing this for Kindred to like me. I don’t care whether they like me or not, only that they do what needs to be done when I ask them to.”

“By having them die on the battlefield, and treating them like trash? How is that of help to you, Lord Hikigaya?” Oooh, is that an edge of anger I hear there, Ikemen Mk. 3000? Does knowing I treat Kindred like regular human beings piss you off? What’ve you got to say about it? I’d like to know how much trash is clogging up that mind of yours. Maybe, just maybe, you and everyone else in this valley can be salvaged. “I see now that you intend to send me a message. That you wish for me to rethink my life and dedication to the Mistresses, but telling me that they ought to die in battle, while we live is unacceptable.”

Wow.

Okay.

This guy actually has a brain and can think, and really has affection for the Kindred here, because of how he’s been raised.

Still, that doesn’t change how fucked up this entire system is.

Just because people are happy doesn’t mean they’re right. 

“That’s because this entire game is wrong. I’ve proven it wrong again and again. The masses are always better off helping from home, making weapons, and providing support, instead of dying for leaders who’ll never take on risk.” The entire game set before me, probably as a means to get information on how I fight battles, was rigged in favor of singular tactic. That tactic is too keep the Kindred Nobles at home, no matter how strong and powerful they are, so that they could provide bonuses, support, and power to the masses who’ll die in droves in battle. “Your life right now? It’s the same as this game. In this land, in all the Kindred’s lands, you’re this little, tiny piece that’s meant to do what you’re told, so that this other little, tiny piece doesn’t die, even though it wants all the tiny, little pieces of the other one”

In all honesty, I expected a lot of responses.

Outright refusal. 

Rage.

Maybe, perhaps, even acceptance.

However, I didn’t expect the shaken, fearful look of understanding from the kid, while he looked upon the board between the two of us before he shook his head and stood… and saw what the bodies he casually piled to the side as what they truly represented.

Mountains of dead.

“Please, excuse me.” A perfect, practiced small formed on his face, while the emotions that I saw were bottled up and sealed away. However, the smile was weaker than the one he first gave me. There was doubt and fear in him, warring against everything that he was taught to believe, because the Kindred were actually kind enough to not mistreat him, and pushed him to be better. Now, I can only hope that he wouldn’t simply forget what I said, and try to move on. “I…I will call upon another to entertain you, my Lord.”

He gave a perfect bow and left without hearing my farewell… but took a second longer to leave.

Yeah.

I think I’ll see him again, and maybe from this lewd, strange valley, I’ll get started on helping out those living under the Kindred’s benevolent, smothering rule.

A/N: Changes made to make the Courtesan side character more controlled and capable, instead of simply an enchanted semi-cultist. 

SB version will most likely have less lewd descriptions in the intro.