I know what you're waiting for. I know it, and I’m still not saying it. Isn’t that awful? Isn't that just the tiniest bit wicked of me? But tell me you don’t feel it too... the way the air gets heavy right before everything changes. We’ve danced around this for so long, and I could give i...
2025-11-23 05:37:20 +0000 UTC View PostLook, I didn’t mean to say any of it. Honestly. I was just trying to get you to stop mopping. Again. Because you do that thing where you mop and clean and tidy and make tea and it’s driving me absolutely mad and not in a normal way, in a feelings way, which is worse. You moved in bec...
2025-11-23 05:20:00 +0000 UTC View PostThis isn’t a meltdown. It’s a professional conversation between two very emotionally stable assassins who just happen to have a bit of a flirtation problem. And a trust issue. And a jealousy thing. But that’s not important. What’s important is that we break up. Dissolve. Separate. Right a...
2025-11-23 05:12:02 +0000 UTC View PostOkay, I know what it looks like. I didn’t mean to summon a human, alright? I just... I needed something on the top shelf, and everything is unfair, and Bob’s a complete arse. And now you’re here, and you’re tall, and you looked at me like I was a person and not just some...
2025-11-16 06:19:01 +0000 UTC View PostOkay okay okay, just breathe. You’re a human, you’re here, and I’m still alive, which is a good start. I mean unless this is just the calm before the squish, which it might be, but no, no, you haven’t squished me yet. And you’re smiling? You’re smiling at me? Why are you smil...
2025-11-16 06:05:01 +0000 UTC View PostYou think you know what loyalty means. You think being second in command makes you safe. But my father trained me too well, and now I know what has to be done. He’s dying in the next room while I lie beside you, asking if you love me. Not the version of me he paraded at parties, but the wolf un...
2025-11-16 05:51:01 +0000 UTC View PostI swear I was only getting dressed. That was the plan. Put on the dress, maybe fix the eyeliner, pretend I know how to date like a normal person. Instead I am standing here with my makeup melting, my dress clinging to places it should not cling, and my entire heart falling out of my mouth because...
2025-11-16 05:39:01 +0000 UTC View PostI didn’t mean for this to happen. I told myself a hundred times it wouldn’t. That if I stayed quiet, if I kept my distance, if I acted normal... the hunger would stay asleep. But it didn’t. Not when you laughed. Not when you looked at me like that. Not when you moved in and made this place ...
2025-11-16 05:21:01 +0000 UTC View PostI wasn’t avoiding you. I was... managing things. Hiding, maybe. Slightly. You kissed me, which, by the way, was lovely, and now your entire villainous family has shown up in my home like they’re auditioning for a very violent panto. And I panicked. I always panic. Except this time I also told...
2025-11-16 05:07:20 +0000 UTC View PostI didn't know if your stack would survive the extraction. I didn’t know if you’d remember me. I didn’t even know if I wanted you to. All I knew was I couldn’t leave you behind, not when I’ve already lost everyone else. Now you’re here, breathing in someone else’s skin, and I’m try...
2025-11-16 04:51:01 +0000 UTC View PostI used to have purpose. I had reports in triplicate, an inbox to clear, rules to follow. Now the apocalypse is over, and I’ve got nothing but time, tea, and far too many staplers. I didn’t ask for feelings, I certainly didn’t ask for you, and I definitely didn’t ask for ...
2025-11-16 04:37:01 +0000 UTC View PostI didn’t mean to get this worked up. I just came in freezing, wanted a cuddle, maybe a bit of warmth... and now I’m accusing you of hoodie theft like a dramatic gremlin in love. You make me ridiculous. You make me say things I wasn’t ready to admit. And when I realised you stole it because ...
2025-11-02 02:13:00 +0000 UTC View PostI wasn’t supposed to get attached. You were a target. A professional liability. You had a gun to my head and I had the entire security system in my pocket. It should have ended there. But then you looked at me like that, and suddenly I’m blackmailing judges, bribing prison staff, and turning ...
2025-11-02 01:37:00 +0000 UTC View PostI didn’t plan this. I just wanted to say one nice thing and then go. But now I’m spiralling, aren’t I? You smiled, and suddenly I’m confessing things I’ve barely admitted to myself. I know you don’t need me, and I swear this isn’t a demand or a plea. It’s just... honesty. Stupid, ...
2025-11-02 01:04:02 +0000 UTC View PostI waited so long in the dark, beloved. Every reflection, every faint trace of your presence was a lifeline I clung to. You brought warmth where there was only cold, gave me form when I was nothing. I ached for you, needed you, loved you more than anything in this lonely prison. And when you touch...
2025-11-01 01:51:02 +0000 UTC View PostI told you to put that sword down, didn’t I? One moment I’m having a perfectly civil chat with my dragon over tea and the next, you’re waving steel at his face like some great heroic fool. Honestly, knights. Always assuming the princess needs rescuing. I’m not a captive, I’m a runaway, ...
2025-11-01 01:23:01 +0000 UTC View PostRight.
So Night of the Living Rant is being moved...provisionally to Sunday. I say provisionally because, frankly, I no longer trust time as a concept or reality as a structure.
At this point, I’d rather not make declarations until I’m physically sitting in front of a mic with a c...
2025-10-30 19:49:08 +0000 UTC View PostI told you to stop chasing angels, yet you went and let one put their hands on you as if your soul was a free sample. Do you have any idea what that does to me? I am a high-ranking demon, feared across realms, and you have me pacing like some restless creature because you cannot stop being irresi...
2025-10-30 00:57:00 +0000 UTC View PostShe thought she could just take you. My hero. My nemesis. Like I wouldn’t notice. Like I wouldn’t burn her tacky moon-base to the ground. So I came. I rescued you. And no, I’m not jealous. I’m a professional. A deeply attractive, morally flexible professional in black le...
2025-10-30 00:37:01 +0000 UTC View PostOkay, before you say anything, yes, I am wearing your hoodie, and yes, that was your full jar of Nutella... and no, I’m not fine, but we don’t need to dwell on that just yet. I didn’t mean for you to find me like this, but now that you're here, can we just skip the part where I pre...
2025-10-30 00:23:01 +0000 UTC View PostI didn’t plan what I was going to say. I thought if I just saw you, it would come naturally. But now I’m sitting here, choking on everything I never said when I should have, holding back tears I pretended didn’t exist. I lost you, not because you gave up, but because I pushed you so far awa...
2025-10-30 00:13:01 +0000 UTC View PostHello mine dearest Henchcuties,
A very quick update to say that Night of the Living Rant will now be creeping softly into Thursday 30th October at 20:00 instead of tonight. I think I have to accept that I officially exist on Wayward Time now, which is just... whatever I schedule, plus one d...
2025-10-29 19:46:17 +0000 UTC View PostIn ze dead of night, ze ideas do stir…
Join me as I open ze spooky floor for your audio suggestions. Bring your creativity. Bring your whispers. Do not bring garlic. I vill hiss.
2025-10-27 19:52:57 +0000 UTC View PostMine dearest Henchcuties,
I must deliver a tiny stab of disappointment, ze Suggestion Séance shall not rise this Saturday as planned. Instead, it vill be conjured on Monday 27 October at 20:00 GMT.
I offer mine deepest apologies for ze delay. Please hold your spectral ideas...
2025-10-25 18:24:27 +0000 UTC View PostA full moon... a gentle breeze... and one vampiress askink ze eternal question… “So, like… how are you?”
Ve vill sit. Ve vill chat. I vill make small noises of approval.
You vill feel seen. Possibly too seen.
Small Schedule Shift, Darlings
Just a quick note to say that today’s livestream (21st October) is being gently nudged forward by one day.
It will now take place on Wednesday 22nd October at 20:00 instead.
Apologies for the extremely short notice, thank you ever so much for you...
2025-10-21 18:48:55 +0000 UTC View Post🦇 AHEM. ANNOUNCEMENT FROM ZE LAIR OF VAYVARD 🦇
Livestream Schedule of DEEP MYSTERY...WELL....shallow mystery and BISCUITS
GREETINGS... mine delicious little Henchcuties...
It is I... VAYVARD, First of Her Name, Bringer of Blankets, V...
2025-10-17 04:33:39 +0000 UTC View PostI didn’t mean to fall in love. I meant to ask about your experience, nod politely, say “we’ll be in touch” and then cry into a teacup backstage. That was the plan. The moment you walked in, though? Gone. Evaporated. You’re... you’re gorgeous. Like, unfairly so. And apparently my brain...
2025-10-17 01:06:47 +0000 UTC View PostThey laid off my whole team and still expect the project finished. One week left and I am crawling toward the end, pretending I care, pretending I’m not furious. I come home, and for five minutes, I let it crack. You’re here. You still look at me like I’m not broken. I don’t even know wha...
2025-10-17 00:56:01 +0000 UTC View PostI kept everyone out. For years, I convinced myself that isolation was safety, that pretending to be fine was better than letting anyone close enough to ruin me. And then you... you didn’t even try. You were just there, smiling, steady, irritatingly kind. Somehow, without forcing the door, you w...
2025-10-17 00:24:01 +0000 UTC View Post